~* TRCT *~

Well

2012-02-02T01:40:00.000+08:00

I dont seem to have a song for this.

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The runner's heartbeat III

2012-02-01T22:29:00.000+08:00

On your mark.

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=(

2012-01-31T22:35:00.000+08:00

Terrible throat, ulcers and gum pains. Worse of it all is the dehydration it causes. Ahhhhh my napfa is coming and I have to do it in this condition?

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True facts

2012-01-30T21:27:00.000+08:00

Matthew Wong says:
i guess we're living out the counter cultural nature of christianity right now
=p

errational errational says:

you see

christianity is not by nature counter cultural

it is other cultures then tend to be counter-christianity

---

Two movies in one day is a Iuxury used to never be able to afford

2012-01-30T18:07:00.000+08:00

Haha I thought its pretty cool how wall-e isnt a typical film which has a conflict that needs to be resolved right from the beginning. The first half of wall-e is simply enjoying the beauty of everything, the little amusing parts and stuff. Getting to know wall-e basically. As a result, the 'conflict' that happens later becomes not so much of a conflict as instead a supplement to the entire movie, where instead of diverting the attention away, it builds the focus around the little robot whos romantic at heart.

On another note, sore gums and ulcer, 2 days before my run. It dehydrates me and thats not good =(.

---

^^

2012-01-30T11:42:00.000+08:00

Dowager Empress Marie: Why the change of mind?
Dimitri: It was more a change of heart.

Always wanted to watch this because of the song 'at the beginning'. Well I finally did. Its pretty good, and wow its from 1997 thats long ago lol.

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Words of truth

2012-01-29T23:19:00.000+08:00

Im really glad that reverend ng came today and said everything that I want to say, but in a much better way than I ever could. Definitely my kind. Honest, shameless, and unafraid of being offending in standing up for the truth. Some church he preached at 1/3 of the congregation walked out? Nice.

Well here are some of the stuff I remember from his sermon.

The gospel is not the good news of salvation, is not just about Jesus loves you and comes into your little hut, its about the kingship of God, where you come under the rule of God. Christianity today has become cheap and superficial, but that is never what the gospel is all about. Salvation is not by saying a sweet little prayer, and you think everyone is now alright and go do whatever you want. Jesus says deny yourselves, take up the cross and follow me. In short, as Dietrich Bonhoeffer puts it, “when Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die”. Salvation does not come from Christ dying the cross and saying the sinner's prayer. Salvation comes from Christ dying upon the cross to fulfill (not override) the Law, and the decision of man to follow Jesus. By the fruit they will be rewarded, those who do not bear fruit will be cut off and thrown into the fire.

The roman catholic church has got it all wrong when they used to think (and perhaps still do) that the kingdom of God is about territory. Its about the pope being the ruler, lord over the other Christians, while awaiting the Second Coming. Yet before we put these people down, the charismatic of today is no better. They think to be big and rich is good. Yet that is not the Church, that had never been the Church. No where in the scriptures would you find anything that would support this view. Christianity today has been so heavily distorted and its a terrible pity. Perhaps worse still, even the pastors who may know what is right cannot exactly preach the direct truth for it may cause offense to people and failure to change their mindsets may instead push them further away from Christ.

The church is not the building or even the congregation, it is the community of the kingdom, the gathering of the people. If five people come together and decide to seek God together, they are the church. No need for a pastor, no need for a communion table or even a building to house them. The acts church didnt have a building, they met in houses. The church of philipi started in lydia's house. The church is not an activity, it is not an event, it is not a program, it is not a system, it is not an institution. When mao came into power, the church of China was driven underground, no one became a christian by convenience, they were prepared to die for what they believe in. Yet when China finally opened up, it is discovered that the church grew. They didnt go to church to play games. They meant business.

Jesus Christ is a radical, and like how he flipped tables in the temple and was hit hard in return, so He too would likely offend 90% (reverend ng says 99%, im ten times more generous with my estimated statistics) of the church today and be thrown out by them. Christianity is not religion. The Church today is mostly rubbish, people who dont know scripture, who dont understand the kingdom of God. Where worship is more entertainment than worship. The secret of a successful church lies in the relationships, between the people and God, as well as between the people of God. It does not lie in weekly routines of gathering on sunday for service. Rethink what you think you know as you live as a servant of the kingdom of God.

You do not go to church. You are the church.

---

5cm/s

2012-01-27T20:17:00.000+08:00

Finally got down to 5cm/s today. Another beautiful show indeed. The difference about this one perhaps is the fact that it doesnt focus on a plot per se. The plot is not the point, it is the shared human connection, the realism, the empathy in understanding and identifying with the characters. It does not make any attempts to be exciting or whatsoever, but its simply an experience, a journey to explore life and love. It doesnt even try to be funny even once.

Definitely a no no for the regular action fans, but perhaps something great for dreamers like myself. A truly poignant film.

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Liar Game

2012-01-27T01:37:00.002+08:00

“All of you believe that the Liar Game is all about rewarding the best liar, don’t you? Well, I sure don’t. I believe that the Liar Game is all about conquering that desire within you to lie and succumb to your greed. It’s a game that tests whether or not you can remain an honest and upright individual.”
- Kanzaki Nao

Well I knew about the existence of this manga and it was in my list of 'manga to read' list for quite some time already. Well I just cleared that list because well in fact this was the only thing on that list heh. The point is, I dont read manga, im not much of a fan of it, but when I heard about Liar Game the concept of it, I was greatly intrigued by the plot and decided to read it.

I must say, this manga surprised me for a number of reasons. Firstly, I never thought I'd actually like a manga that much (well, I never thought I'd like an anime much either before FMAB), but this one really captured me. I just finished pretty much everything there is so far (except for the latest volume coz you know its better to read everything in one shot and the previous round just ended) in the span of two days. Spent hours on it, slept at 6am yesterday. Not the best use of time obviously, I guess on hindsight it would be tons better if I spread out my reading but hey, it captured me and I got sunk.

Secondly, the manga actually developed and became something much more special as it progressed. Initially I was intrigued by this because I knew the plot revolved around psychological mind twisting in attempts to outsmart the opponent. The protagonist was the regular moron who didnt know anything, and then the other protagonist was the expert who was that darn good. I really like the expert's methodology in the first round in breaking down the opponent's defenses and then going in for the kill, and I thought this was what the rest of the manga was like. Incorporating elements of game theory and psychology, this was what it would be.

As the manga progressed though, it began to change. The second round and third round once again shows the expert being brilliant of course, different styles of playing but mainly the same concept. Again, I was fascinated at how it was done and really enjoyed the smart tactics employed and the careful prediction of opponent's moves.

It was after the fourth round that things got really interesting. That was the one I spent up to 6am reading, for it was as long as the first three rounds combined. It was when the expert was finally faced off with another expert that things got very interesting indeed. Eventually, the sheer number of layers of predictions and outsmarting, counter and reverse counters did in a way make the story rather impossible (I mean seriously come on no one's that smart), but yet thrillingly exciting. The same is true for the sixth round which I had just finished, where there were not two but three experts facing off against one another. I really loved the fourth round, but the sixth was madness. The way the battle raged, how tides change so rapidly in so unexpected ways, and how it finally came to conclude was amazing. The thing is, readers discover that each game was deceptively simple. If we were given the chance to play an exact replica of the games in real life, we would not have seen the sheer number of little complexities and nuances that exist in the simple game. Round six was the epitome of that, and I really like how the ended, as much as I tried to predict it, was a complete curveball, and yet at the same time not out of the blue because the clues had been subtlety suggested but were not noticed or forgotten by the readers in the course of the battle.

The development of the characters played an important role in my enjoyment of this manga, especially since with the arrival of the other experts, we discover that there exists more than one legend, and that they all make slip ups too. Most importantly of course was the development of the main protagonist, who became slowly much more than just a foolish girl. I found great pleasure in the way when the game was explained, initially it would look straightforward, but later the hidden key essence of the game would be understood, and then she comes along and turns the whole thing on its head and proposes a completely new way of viewing things. The paradigm shifts created by her character are fabulous.

And really, thats perhaps the one thing I love most about this manga. Beyond the psychological mind jacking, the logical processing, the tricks, baiting, backstabbing, emotional play, power play, all the lies and deceit that were used to beat all other opponents to gain victory, she chose to play Liar Game the honest way, with love. All the values that were completely counter to what one would expect to be necessary to gain victory in the vicious tournament, she employed them.

Its true then, that love triumphs all, even in the cunning cruel world of the Liar Game tournament.

---

The runner's heartbeat II

2012-01-25T22:42:00.001+08:00

I know why I run, dance, and cycle in the rain.

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Iron chef showdown begins!

2012-01-25T16:13:00.006+08:00

Shallots
Garlic
Russet potatoes
Coarse black pepper
Brown sugar
Extra virgin olive oil
Garlic salt
Ground thyme
Worcestershire steak sauce
Masterfoods caramelised onion and red wine finishing sauce (yes im cheating for my first try heh)
Grill pan

And 3 200gram ribeye steaks.

Hohoho.

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Boohoo my moneh

2012-01-24T17:49:00.000+08:00

It appears that after talking to quite a number of people, the best option would be to purchase new equipment and not the budget ones even but the best of the lower tiers.

So, soon enough, my savings that I have accumulated in the past years may be completely eradicated, and that includes the angbao money I just got this year.

Im frankly really hesitant to make the purchases. I have never even spent 5% of what I may be spending this time round on anything before. At the same time though, I do realise that there is no point saving so much, my money is just going to get eroded by inflation, and once I start working, my monthly savings would pretty much be equal to my current yearly savings anyway. So if anything, it should be now.

But argh, its alot of money =(.

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Joyful CNY people!

2012-01-23T21:32:00.000+08:00

Eh, I started this post for a reason, but I cant rmb what =(.

Anyway, Rei, Jon, Ch and Lefa, next monday free for cycling? Jon enlists in Feb so gotta do it soon, and I have a ippt run on wed so I wanna rest on tuesday rawr.

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Sigh

2012-01-22T18:07:00.001+08:00

Dear Matthew

We did not receive your original email. You are definitely too far away from the Grade 7 mark band to go for re-marking. Specific marks are confidential as per school policy but you definitely should not go for remarking.

Regards

J Ho

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Grawr

2012-01-21T22:50:00.001+08:00

Anyone knows where to get a good deal for:

DSLR
Grill pan
Oven
Piano/keyboard
Raw salmon
Raw sirloin/ribeye steak

Very expensive T.T.

Do contact me if you have any ideas kay, I really hope to have access to them soon, before ns begins and my free time disappears once more.

---

"The only reason it appears that some people are 'more called' by God than others is that they were expecting the call and answered it."
- Stormie Omartian

---

Good news and bad news. Good news is, my dad suddenly remembered today that I can use my cousin's name for my phone plan, hence granting me a student plan. Bad news is, I need to wait for one more month before I can change it.

So heres to one month of sms cutting ttm.

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Food for thought

2012-01-20T23:56:00.000+08:00

Something I read, nothing I can quote specifically so the gist of it is basically this:

We all have dreams and aspirations, things we desire, but we need to surrender them to God. However, its not about simply pushing away the things we want in the name of living for God. The thing is, sometimes our dreams and desires are God inspired and they are good things to pursue. All the same, we have to surrender them to God, and if it is in His will, He will bring it back to you. Sometimes when we pursue these things, we pursue them for our own gain, but when we surrender them to God, He will take them and use them for His higher purposes.

Take music for example. One can dream of making great music, and when the dream is surrendered to God, initially it might seem like a painful process of giving up on what one loves. Yet in time, God may bring music back into the life of the musician in His calling to lead worship. The direction of the musical talent has been refocused from self gain to a God centered purpose.

Surrender all. It is worth it.

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Either im terrible at counting, or the phone company hates me

2012-01-20T19:37:00.000+08:00

To anyone who may sms me: I will not reply any non urgent messages anymore until I have a new phone plan. Any response to your messages will be sent via an alternative medium (like fb message or whatsapp) when I have internet access. And if you're an M1 user, dont try to contact me via sms I may not receive it. Thank you.

Seriously, 1.3k messages? 800 over the limit. 5 cents per message, thats 40 dollars extra. I dont actually think I sent that much but the phone company insists I did. And im in between student and ns now I cant get either plans for unlimited.

So this is it. If I still overshoot 500 messages this month, im going after them with the combustible lemons.

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Silly me

2012-01-19T21:02:00.001+08:00

Its just God saying 'you made a commitment to live for Me, so get your ass off your computer and seek Me, because I have things to tell you'.

We MUST go beyond saying we want to do things for God, beyond slogans which are meaningless if they are but words. There is alot to be done, alot to come, so we MUST be ready. There are many things that may distract us, even things that we think may count but really dont, and in repentance we come before God and ask that He takes our lives as living sacrifices, pleasing to Him. A whole, complete sacrifice, not a partial sacrifice, not bits and pieces. Our whole lives must be saturated with the presence of the Holy Spirit, and though we are unable to achieve all these by our own effort, if we make the decision to seek Him, He will come to us. So put aside worldy desires and distractions, and seek Him.

---

The wilderness is where we are forced to leave behind the familiar, the comfortable, the past successes, the accomplishments, and the old bag of tricks that always worked before. The wilderness is where God takes us when He wants to get Egypt out of our hearts. He wants to separate us from all that we crave, so that all we crave is Him. Just as God wanted to get the taste for Egypt out of the Israelites' mouths, He wants to get the lust for certain comforts out of our appetites, too. It's not that He doesn't want us to ever be comfortable. It's just that He doesn't want us to depend on the comfortable. He wants us to depend on Him. He doesn't want us to love the comforts more than we love Him. When God aims us in a new direction, we have to let go of what we've known, be willing to embrace the unfamiliar, and trust that He will sustain us on the journey.
- Stormie Omartian

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Uhm, no clue

2012-01-19T19:50:00.001+08:00

I feel strange.

Its like my body has physically gone into the emo mode or something, except there is nothing to emo about so im confused. My mind is wired and prepared to go in too, but its not happening because well, there is no reason for it to. I feel like I bottled something up and need to let it out, except that I didnt and if telling someone is supposed to be a remedy, I need to figure out what my body thinks I need to say first (hence this post). And the old breathing issue is around, which is only supposed to happen when im stressed out but seriously, what kind of stress could I possibly be facing now.

Ok, this is queer. My body's not reacting right. Maybe it was the cycling in the rain heh.

Go away. Shoo. Uh, this is annoying.

---

=O

2012-01-18T22:20:00.004+08:00

This SOPA/PIPA thing is capturing headlines worldwide. They're up against leading sites like google, wikipedia and youtube, and all the community using them. I'll be greatly surprised if they can still pass it.

Its really a big thing I guess, though I dont exactly understand the technicalities of it, it seems quite serious from what I read from wikipedia and stuff. The fact that all sorts of websites, ranging from search engine google, encyclopedia wikipedia, and even fun sites like 9gag and xkcd are protesting says something.

Update: Blacking out sites is becoming viral. Can feel the strong sense of indignation coming from the top user generated sites worldwide. And seriously, its a little annoying that every where I want to go, the site is either blacked out as a protest against SOPA/PIPA or has something to say about it. I guess its for a good cause though, so I dont really mind. People of the US, please do something thank you.

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DISC/DOPE

2012-01-18T01:30:00.000+08:00

Completely irrelevant to the post, but hey its a good song =D.

---

Redid the test, and got the results I expected.

Owl (42.5%)
Eagle (32.5%)
Peacock (12.5%)
Dove (12.5%)

Which sees a decline in the peacock and a rise in the eagle. The main reason why I thought this would change was frankly because I think I didnt do the quiz correctly the other time. Upon closer inspection of the traits of a eagle and a peacock, I find myself fitting the former more than the latter (of course, no fight with the owl lah).

The thing I dont quite like about this is that peacock and dove are the relational types while owl and eagle are the work orientated types. Since I believe that relationships are more important than work, I find it quite ironic and somewhat annoying to have such a breakdown.

Still, the same problem in doing quizzes applies. When four options are given, you have to choose the one that best fits, even if there are other options that are quite close. Over time, these preferences of one option over another stack up quite significantly.

So heres an alternative way. Why not look at the qualities themselves, and then decide accordingly what you fit in more? Below you will find the giant list of traits, of which I'll only look at owl and eagle heh. Same old problem of the johari window applies, but we make do with what we have. I should create a johari window sometime soon.

I feel damn haolian filling in the positive traits ehheh.

And the physical traits section of the eagle one describes my attack mode very well indeed heh.

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DOVE: “Harmony Seeker” Low Assertive / High Emotionality

Potential Weaknesses:
• Conforms
• Unsure
• Dependent
• Awkward
• Pliable

Strengths:
• Supportive
• Respectful
• Dependable
• Agreeable
• Willing

Judging Type: FEELING
• Relationships oriented
• Sees the big picture
• Right brained
• Little effort to push
• Friendly gaze and gestures

Communication Type: ASKING:
• Indirect
• Slow pace
• Avoids risk
• Soft voice
• Cautious
• They ask permission
• Low assertiveness
• Asks questions
• Better listeners

Verbal Clues:
• Seeks support
• Soft, deliberate delivery
• Calming/reassuring effect
• Asks questions
• Makes statements cautiously
• Excellent Listener
• Often says, “I feel…”
• Patient
• Agreeable

Physical Clues:
• Sincere, frequent smile
• Warm, friendly appearance
• Infrequent eye contact
• Often nods in agreement
• Infrequent but open gestures
• Talks about people’s feelings

Emotions:
+ Easygoing and relaxed
+ Low-key personality
+ Quiet, but witty
+ Consistent Life
+ Low assertiveness
+ Patient, well balanced
+ Flexible, all purpose person
+ Happily reconciled to life
+ Calm, cool, and collected
+ Sympathetic and kind
- Avoids responsibility
- Self-righteous
- Unenthusiastic
- Shy, fearful
- Worried
- Indecisive, compromising
- Selfish

Work:
+ Dependable
+ Mediates problems
+ Finds the easy way
+ Good under pressure
+ Avoids conflict
+ Peaceful and agreeable
+ Competent and steady
+ Has administrative ability
- Would rather watch
- Not goal oriented
- Lacks self-motivation
- Resents being pushed
- Lazy and careless

Friends:
+ Easy to get along with
+ Loyal friend
+ Pleasant and enjoyable
+ Supportive, compassion
+ Good listener
+ Inoffensive
+ Has many friends
+ Sincerely cares
- Stays uninvolved
- Resists change
- Predictable
- Dampens enthusiasm
- Indifferent to plans
- Is not exciting

OWL: “Detail Seeker” Low Assertive / Low Emotionality

Potential Weaknesses:
• Critical
• Indecisive
• Stuffy
• Picky
• Moralistic

Strengths:
• Industrious
• Orderly
• Exacting
• Persistent
• Serious

Judging Type: THINKING
• Task oriented
• Left brained
• Specifics and facts
• Non-expressive facial expressions
• Limited small talk

Communication Type: ASKING:
• Indirect
• Slow pace
• Avoids risk
• Soft voice
• Cautious
• They ask permission
• Low assertiveness
• Asks questions
• Better listeners

Verbal Clues:
• Asks many questions
• Precise
• Careful, studied speech
• Talks about tasks
• Soft spoken
• Sticks to agenda
• Patient listener
• Indecisive statements
• Says, “I think…”

Physical Clues:
• Few gestures
• Controlled, stiff posture
• Infrequent eye contact
• Folder arms
• Links data
• Takes many notes
• Serious expression

Emotions:
+ Deep and thoughtful
+ Self-sacrificing
+ Philosophical and poetic
+ Appreciative of beauty
+ Idealistic
+ Serious and purposeful
+ Sensitive to others
+ Unemotional
- Remembers the negatives
- Too introspective
- Self-centered
- Moody and depressed
- Has guilt feelings
- Off in another world
- Persecution complex
- Has selective hearing

Work:
+ Detail conscious
+ Likes charts, graphs, schedules, figures and lists
+ Sees the problem
+ Persistent, thorough
+ Need for task closure
+ Neat and tidy
+ Economical
+ Lower assertiveness
- Hard to please
- Not people oriented
- Over analyzes / plans
- Standards often too high
- Upset over imperfections
- Deep need for approval

Friends:
+ Faithful and devoted
+ Can solve other’s problems
+ Seeks ideal mate
+ Makes friends cautiously
+ Content to stay in the background
+ Will listen to complaints
+ Avoids causing attention
- Holds back affection
- Withdrawn and remote
- Antagonistic and vengeful
- Dislikes those in opposition
- Suspicious and critical

PEACOCK: “Excitement Seeker” High Assertive / High Emotionality

Potential Weaknesses:
• Excitable
• Manipulative
• Reacting
• Egotistical
• Undisciplined

Strengths:
• Enthusiastic
• Ambitious
• Dramatic
• Friendly
• Stimulating

Judging Type: FEELING
• Relationships oriented
• Sees the big picture
• Right brained
• Little effort to push
• Friendly gaze and gestures

Communication Type: TELLING:
• Fast Paced
• Risk taker
• Loud
• Opinionated
• Rule breaker
• Highly assertive
• Makes statements
• Selective listening

Verbal Clues:
• Tells rather than asks
• Uses aggressive statements
• Shares personal feelings
• Makes generalized statements
• Gives few details
• Competitive
• Talks about “people issues”
• Readily states opinions
• Speaks quickly

Physical Clues:
• Highly animated
• Eager
• Expansive gestures
• Friendly, warm eyes
• Frequent, warm eyes
• Frequent eye contact
• Restless
• Lean forward
• Enthusiastic

Emotions:
+ Lives in the present
+ Is comfortable touching
+ Appealing personality
+ Good sense of humor
+ Sincere at heart
+ Enthusiastic and expressive
+ Cheerful and bubbling over
+ Talkative, storyteller
+ Curious
+ Emotional and demonstrative
- Has loud voice and laugh
- Talkative
- Has restless energy
- Egotistical
- Gets angry easily
- Too happy for some
- Controlled by circumstance
- Seems phony to some

Work:
+ Thinks up new activities
+ Has energy and enthusiasm
+ Volunteers for jobs
+ Exterior looks great
+ Inspires others to join
+ Creative and colorful
+ Starts in a flashy way
+ Outgoing
+ Good with a lot of people
- Confidence fades fast
- Priorities out of order
- Wastes time talking
- Undisciplined
- Decides by feelings
- Doesn’t follow through

Friends:
+ Seems exciting
+ Thrives on compliments
+ Apologized quickly
+ Likes to be spontaneous
+ Makes friends easily
+ Forgives easily
+ Prevents dull moments
+ Loves people
+ Envied by others
- Fickle and forgetful
- Wants to be center stage
- Dominates, interrupts
- Doesn’t listen well
- Answers for others
- Looks for credit

EAGLE: “Results Seeker” High Assertive / Low Emotionality

Potential Weaknesses:
• Dominating
• Tough
• Severe
• Pushy
• Harsh

Strengths:
• Strong willed
• Independent
• Practical
• Decisive
• Efficient

Judging Type: THINKING
• Task oriented
• Left brained
• Specifics and facts
• Non-expressive facial expressions
• Limited small talk

Communication Type: TELLING:
• Fast Paced
• Risk taker
• Loud
• Opinionated
• Rule breaker
• Highly assertive
• Makes statements
• Selective listening

Verbal Clues:
• Tells vs. asks
• Rapid speech
• Asks for data
• Organized delivery
• Decisive statements
• Readily states opinions
• Gets to the “bottom-line”

Physical Clues:
• Intense eye contact
• Aggressive gestures
• Leans forward
• Serious expression
• Impatient
• Monotone voice

Emotions:
+ Born leader
+ Can run anything
+ Independent and self-sufficient
+ Strong desire for change
+ Not easily discouraged
+ Must correct wrongs
+ Unemotional
- Enjoys controversy/arguing
- Bossy
- Impatient / can’t relax
- Quick tempered
- Inflexible
- Is unsympathetic

Work:
+ Moves quickly to action
+ Goal oriented
+ Insists on production
+ Thrives on opposition
+ Sees the big picture
+ Stimulates activity
+ Seeks practical solutions
+ Organizes well
+ Makes the goal
+ Delegates easily
- May make rash decisions
- Little tolerance for mistakes
- End justifies the means
- Doesn’t analyze details
- May be rude or tactless
- Demanding of others

Friends:
+ Will work for group activity
+ Is usually right
+ Excels in emergencies
+ Not dependent on friendship
+ Will lead and organize
- Is too independent
- May be right, but unpopular
- Tends to use people
- Knows everything
- Dominates others
- Decides for others
- Can’t say “I’m sorry…”

---

Now we're thinking with portals!

2012-01-17T01:04:00.000+08:00

Just finished portal 2!

Really the best game I ever played, and probably the best piece of media i enjoyed even. I dont know how the developers did it, but it was epic. Very well paced plot, full of surprises. People tend to think of games as simple plain things that have a poor plot, but I think portal 2's plot is better than many movies and books out there. Chapter 6 and 7 (the latter especially) may get draggy when you enter back areas and no one's talking, its just you trying to solve terribly complicated puzzles in a dark murky place, but I think that is the only drawback of the entire game. Chapter 9 was seriously super good and I really liked the ending of the boss battle. The chorus at the end was pretty weird though, but it didnt affect the gameplay nor the conclusion of the matter so doesnt matter heh. Oh, and when chell gets back on the surface, haha that last little thing xD. Excellent plot overall, even though I already spoilt myself, it was still very refreshing and I would certainly expect someone who doesnt already know the plot to find himself fascinated by it.

Not a horror game but has its fair share of heart pounding moments, where the plot is amplified due to the excellent use of music and surroundings. Like chapter 6 when you walk through the debris towards the condemned areas, its so intimidating. Yes, the graphics and soundtrack are brilliant by the way, 11 gigabytes for a rather small world. The developers put alot of effort into little details, posters, scribbles, hidden rooms that add to the plot, the whole general feel of a place. Puzzles are seriously challenging and one really shouldnt attempt portal 2 until after he has played portal (its better for the plot too anyway). There are numerous times where I actually spent 20 minutes stuck in one place unable to figure out what to do. I used guides twice in my run through heh (and the solutions always make me go 'ohshit what the heck').

The best thing about portal 2 cannot just be described by these alone though, its really how they integrated with one another, how the atmosphere created accentuates the plot and so on. And of course, dont forget the humour. Portal is hilarious, I have never laughed so much playing a game. With GLaDOS and Cave Johnson's dark humour and Wheatley's plain retardedness, it makes the whole gaming experience very enjoyable. Wheatley enjoys talking so much that I tend to just stand around and let him say all his lines before moving on. And like I said earlier, the little things have their effects, even the posters in the game are amusing.

Play it yourself to know how good it is. Be warned though, its not a game of skill, but it requires alot of thinking.

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Pretty amusing thing, my comp kept shutting down because of overheating problems when I was playing portal. Solution? Create your own external fan!

I wasnt sure it was going to work, but it did. Ha. I played the whole of chapter 9 like this xD.

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Level up!

2012-01-16T11:55:00.002+08:00

My mom is purchasing some awesome cooking utensils, and shes paying for whatever I buy too. So we're finally upgrading from our base set we have at home which cant do serious stuff.

I think, its time to get serious with this cooking thing.

Wahhahahaha.

Just two problems. Firstly, we dont have alot of space. Secondly, im too lazy to go to the market/supermarket to get my ingredients heh.

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Checking out more Jesus Culture songs now =).

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Im glad I didnt join the iphone craze back then (and continuing even right now). Iphones are ridiculously expensive and while I admit they were the best phones around then I didnt get one because I didnt think I need the functions.

Nowadays, the smartphone is becoming more and more important and the iphone is truly starting to shine, not because of its inherent specs but because of its use in conjunction with many other things (companies developing apps etc).

Yet the mobile market realises this, and strong competitors which now pose a heavy threat to the iphone are emerging. From the android OS, samusung's flagship the galaxy S2 outclasses the iphone 4s in almost everything, and its cheaper. Nokia and microsoft are not giving up the fight and decided to work together, with the Lumio 900 running on the windows mango OS set to kick off this year.

I think the iphone will remain as the most popular phone for quite a long while more, but only because of its established brand name. It one bothers to go beyond the hype of apple products, they'll realise that the iphone cannot compete at all with these new beasts in the market.

The annoying thing is, just as I think im ready to jump in to the smartphone race, im forced to downgrade to a terrible phone for the next two years T.T.

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He who has ears let him hear

2012-01-15T23:52:00.000+08:00

Only be strong,
Be strong,
Be strong,
And of good courage

One of the first altar calls I responded to years ago in main service was when dean kuan preached. I dont remember the details anymore, just a few words he prayed for me.

Be strong, and of good courage.

It hit me again today.

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There is so much to do, so much that needs to be done.

Usually, the weekends energize me. After a week long of IB and its terrors, being able to have quite a significant bit of time specially set apart to seek God, to be part of the community of God, encouraging one another, laughing, having fun, it restores me.

Recently though, it has been particularly draining. I cannot find the solitude I need with voices all about me, neither can I specifically seek out the companionship I desire with many others always jumping in on me. I never functioned well with large groups of people, much less large groups of people swarming around me, trying to grab my attention. Sometimes, just sometimes, it feels a little like being talked at (not talked to) by so many people.

Still, I push on, because I know what is important here. It drains me so much and I feel exhausted, a little constricted and suffocated even. Yet each and every single life God has placed in my life for a reason. If they wish to talk to me, it only goes to show that I have a degree of influence in their life, an influence I can use to make a difference in their lives. What God has made me responsible for, I must never push away. I wont let the past repeat itself.

There is so much though, and the responsibilities feel like a crushing weight at times. I'll be lying if I said I dont miss the old times, im not a fan of change. I realise even recently, there are a some people whom although I see them around, I never really had an opportunity to communicate with them. I miss my lone quiet walks just listening to the cars and the conversations of other people.

Yet this is exciting change, change that will count so much towards eternity. Its a strange feeling actually, to be so excited about what is happening, and yet at the same time feel lethargy set in.

Bynes, hurry up and get back here, there is work to be done, things are moving and its really alot to handle without you around.

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We choose to live driven by eternity, that though this life that we live is but a temporal passing, what we do here will count for eternity, so that is what we must do, we do not have time to waste, we must live for God, our whole life in surrender to Him.

We do not speak of surrender simply as word, but we must understand the fullness of what it means, to give our lives abandoned to Christ, to say not my will but Yours be done.

We press on, we fight hard, and we know we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

The radical church, we turn the world upside down, not let the world turn us upside down.

We must be prayer warriors, as the words inscribed on the ACS sanctuary say:

On your walls, O Jerusalem,
I have set watchmen;
all the day and all the night
they shall never be silent.
You who put the LORD in remembrance,
take no rest,
and give him no rest
until he establishes Jerusalem
and makes it a praise in the earth.
- Isaiah 62:6-7

So we pray unceasingly till we see His kingdom of heaven established here on Earth

We are destiny impact, and that is not just a fanciful name given by chance, it is a name which God has given us, for we are called to impact eternal destinies. Our slogan is God inspired too, as we live out the most important things that Jesus has called us towards in the Great Commadment and the Great Comission, we are God chasers, people who will love our God with all our heart soul mind and strength, heart joiners, people who will love our neighbours as ourselves, and we are light givers, who will go and make disciples of all nations.

As grace has been freely poured out in our lives, so we pour out grace onto the lives of others, as Christ has first loved us, so we love others, and in the same vein as Christ laid down his life for us, so we too lay down our lives for our brothers, a sacrifical love that the world may not understand, but we do.

And we do not toss these around like simple slogans, we do not want to sing empty songs, pray empty prayers, let our words be translated into action for faith without deeds is useless.

A passion that burns deep within, not just a desire but a hunger, a desperation, like a wildfire shut up in our bones, that we cannot keep silent, we cannot not move into action.

And we will go, we must go, as an unstoppable force sweeping across the nation, not because of who we are or what we can do, but because God is with us, and He who created the heavens and the earth, there is nothing that can stand against what He wills. The enemy will try to come against us, but we will not falter, we will run this race, we will fight this fight of faith, and we will win, because the truth is that it has already been won when Christ died and rose again, sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting, the devil is defeated, while we are the ones who are more than conquerers.

We trust in Jehovah Nissi, the Lord our banner, the Lord our victory, as we lift up our hands and look to Him, we know that He reigns, forever and ever.

Only, may we remain strong, and of good courage.

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Introversion

2012-01-15T01:00:00.000+08:00

Ah yes, my second post. Generally I dislike posting too often because I know people would get lazy to read it (and it can get quite time consuming too), but I thought this was really important, so I should post it.

As a believer that we're all phoenixes, I decided to retake my personality tests to see how I have changed given that some things have happened recently that caused me to change my perspective towards certain things. I have not gotten down to DISC (or DOPE), but I think I can predict its results already, not sure I'll be too happy about it but oh well.

I did get down to MBTI, taking two seperate tests for greater accuracy. As it turns out, I am still an INTJ, except that now im more of an INTJ than I used to be. Of particular note is that while I used to be a much more borderline Introvert, that number has increased rather significantly. Im not surprised at all actually.

Still not a pure introvert though, the thing about those personality quizzes is that I am only allowed to choose one of two options and since I tend to choose introversion over extroversion, my introversion score shoots higher than it probably really is. I'd think of myself as nearing the edge of ambiversion. I do know a good many introverts though, introverts who can be found in the Church.

Things that have been happening recently though have caused me to think about introversion and the Church recently, and I am genuinely surprised to find that a book titled 'Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture' exists. Now I have not actually read the book, but I found two good articles related to the book that I thought it would be crucial to share. I find myself in strong agreement with most of the things written in the two articles and I think it is something that people need to know. Extroverts so they can understand, introverts so they can be understood.

Before I post the articles though, many people misunderstand what introversion is all about. Please click on this link to wikipedia and read the 'varieties' section. Once we're done with that, we can move on.

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Introverts in the Imago Dei?

- Richard Beck

"It is only love that makes us acceptable to God." -Thérèse of Lisieux

In Lectures 6-7 of The Varieties of Religious Experience William James moves from his discussion of the healthy-minded believer to speak of the sick soul. Again, the sick souls are those who tend to be the more pessimistic believers among us, those of us preoccupied with the problems of existence. In my own research, I've labeled this type the Winter Christian and the Existential Believer, so I won't write more about them in this post.

What I do want to write about starts with James' sick soul type but goes in a different direction. Specifically, I want to write about the place of introverts at church.

Most people are aware of Jung's typology of Introverts and Extroverts. What you may not be aware of is that trait affectivity is highly correlated with these types. Specifically, positive affectivity is significantly associated with extraversion and negative affectivity is associated with introversion. That is, extraverts tend to be energetic and enthusiastic while introverts tend to be mellower or even melancholic.

The point here is that James' sick soul type is very often going to be an introvert and the healthy-minded type is very often going to be an extrovert. It is this connection that I want to discuss.

Here's the question I want to ask you: Do introverts fit in at church?

The answer, obviously, is that it depends upon what kind of church we are talking about. In liturgical churches I expect introverts and extroverts fare about the same. But in non-liturgical churches they may fare differently.

Specifically, non-liturgical churches tend to be more sociable churches. So, let's call them that. That is, there are liturgical churches and there are sociable churches. Sociable churches tend to emphasize relationality among its members. For example, a large part of the sociable church experience involves lengthy greetings (being greeted and greeting others), adult bible classes that are conversational and oriented around fellowship (e.g., in my church we sit at tables drinking coffee, eating donuts, and chatting), and the in-depth sharing of personal prayer requests.

This is not to say that liturgical churches aren't sociable or don't have sociable facets to them. It's just the simple recognition that going to a Catholic mass (the prototypical liturgical experience) differs greatly from my day at church at the Highland Church of Christ in Abilene, TX. My experience is heavy on the “visiting,” as they say here in Texas.

In these highly sociable churches there is an implicit theological theme that marries sociability with spirituality. That is, being sociable—visiting intensively, and being willing to "get into each other's lives"—is highly prized. To a point, this is understandable. A sociable church is going to rely on extraverts to make the whole vibe work.

But introverts fare poorly in these sociable churches. The demand to visit, mix, and share with strangers taxes them. Worse, given that these social activities are declared to be "spiritual," the introvert feels morally judged and spiritually marginalized. As if their very personality was spiritually diseased.

Consequently, the "issue of the introvert" is one of the big overlooked problems in these sociable churches. For example, church leaders often want to make church more "meaningful." What they mean by this is that they want to create an atmosphere were deep human contact can be made. This is a fine goal, a worthy goal. However, to pull this off in an ordinary church setting demands a degree of sociability that introverts just don't have. Take a typical church service, communion service, small group service, or bible class. Let's say, to make it more “meaningful,” you ask the participants to find someone sitting close to them to have a spiritually-oriented exchange/conversation with. A time of sharing. Well, the introverts are just going to HATE this activity. They may hate it so much that they just might stop coming to your services. In fact, I know introverts at my church who purposely come in late to avoid the perfunctory meet-and-greet that occurs right at the start of our services ("Find someone close to you and say hello!").

Now, you may say that these introverts just aren't good people. But you would be wrong. Introverts are very, very relational. They just aren’t sociable. And to confuse the two is a grave theological and ecclesial mistake.

But many churches fail to make this distinction. They tacitly set up the following equation for church life:

Spirituality = Sociability

For example, I was once visiting with a church leader at my church who was making a recommendation that, to make our adult classes more "meaningful," we would need to share more of our lives in these classes. I stated that such a recommendation would drive the introverts crazy. The response was, "God is about relationships and church is about relationships. Thus, if these people aren't going to be involved in relationships they will just have to change."

The problems with this formulation are obvious:

1. From a psychological perspective, introverts don't change into extraverts (or visa versa). To expect this is ridiculous.

2. From a moral perspective, you are moralizing aspects of personality: Extravert = Good and Introvert = Bad.

3. From a pastoral perspective, you are confusing relationality with sociability. That is, your pastoral intervention, although well-intentioned, demands a kind of personality to work well. It is true that deeper relationships are needed at church, but the route isn't always best achieved by throwing strangers together into forced conversation.

4. From a theological perspective, you are insinuating that introverts are not created in the Imago Dei, in the Image of God. (In fact, the etymology of the word "enthusiasm," that trait of the extravert, means "filled with or by God." The association, then, is that introverts are NOT filled with or by God.)

This last is the most worrisome. For years, sociable churches have ignored the introverts in their midst. Worse, they have sent a consistent message that they were less spiritual than their extraverted brothers and sisters. That to be like God was to be extraverted.

In my opinion, the damage this subtle message has caused has been enormous.

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Introverts In the Church

- Adam S. McHugh

The scowling old man nearly bumped into me as he fled the sanctuary.

As I turned to watch him stomp out to the parking lot, I asked a friend if she knew why he'd left before the service started. She replied, "You know how in your sermon last week you encouraged all of us to be more welcoming to newcomers? Well, after five people came up to him to introduce themselves, he blurted "Can a guy just be anonymous when he checks out a new place? I want to be left alone!" And thus concluded his seven minute survey of our church.

It's not only cantankerous old men with a flair for storm-off exits who are turned off by hyper-friendly churches, however. As I reflected on that event, I realized that I too would be intimidated and overwhelmed by that many strangers approaching me, no matter how genuine and kind they were. As it turns out, our churches are actually teeming with this species of people called "introverts." I am one of them, as is 50% of the American population, according to our best and latest research.

Unfortunately, owing to a few antisocial types as well as to a general extroverted bias in our culture, introverts get a bad rap. Mainstream American culture values gregarious, aggressive people who are skilled in networking and who can quickly turn strangers into friends. Often we identify leaders as those people who speak up the most and the fastest, whether or not their ideas are the best.

As a result, introverts are often defined by what we're not rather than by what we are. We're labeled as standoffish or misanthropic or timid or passive. But the truth is that we are people who are energized in solitude, rather than among people. We may be comfortable and articulate in social situations and we may enjoy people, but our time in the outer worlds drains us and we must retreat into solitude to be recharged. We also process silently before we speak, rather than speaking in order to think, as extroverts do. We generally listen a little more than we talk, observe for a while before we engage, and have a rich inner life that brings us great stimulation and satisfaction. Neurological studies have demonstrated that our brains naturally have more activity and blood flow, and thus we need less external stimulation in order to thrive.

I saw the need for a book on this topic when I realized that our cultural slant had infiltrated some wings of the church, especially mainstream evangelicalism. As I say in Introverts in the Church, entering your average evangelical worship service feels like walking into a non-alcoholic cocktail party. Evangelicalism has a chatty, mingling informality about it, and no matter how well-intentioned that atmosphere is, it can be a difficult environment for those of us who are overwhelmed by large quantities of social interaction and who may connect best with God in silence. Sometimes our communities talk so much that we are not able to express the gifts that we bring to others. Yet if we are given the space, we bring gifts of listening, insight, creativity, compassion, and a calming presence, things that our churches desperately need.

Even more dangerous is the tendency of evangelical churches to unintentionally exalt extroverted qualities as the "ideals" of faithfulness. Too often "ideal" Christians are social and gregarious, with an overt passion and enthusiasm. They find it easy to share the gospel with strangers, eagerly invite people into their homes, participate in a wide variety of activities, and quickly assume leadership responsibilities. Those are wonderful qualities, and our churches suffer when we don't have those sorts of people, but if these qualities epitomize the Christian life, many of us introverts are left feeling excluded and spiritually inadequate. Or we wear ourselves out from constantly masquerading as extroverts.

In the end, though I empathize with that old man, I wish he had endured the overwhelming hospitality of our community that day. He would have learned that the Christian life is not about anonymity, and we would have gained another introverted member who contributed valuable gifts to our community and ministry. Both he and our church would have been better for it.

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With all that being said though, I must say that introverts must never claim their introversion as an excuse not to do certain things which are necessary but will require social interaction. For example, an introvert must not say that he will not evangelise because he is an introvert. The community around him must understand why he faces a difficulty in doing so, but he cannot say he will not. That is rejecting the Great Commission in which God has called for all men to partake in. It will be a greater challenge for the introvert to step out of his comfort zone, but if Peter could muster courage to attempt to walk on water (an 'impossible' feat) and managed to do so for awhile, so the introvert must muster the courage to step out of the boat hes on. If it serves as any encouragement, Moses is seen to have an introverted personality, but he is able to do what he did because God was with him.

But Moses said to the LORD, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” Then the LORD said to him, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.”

- Exodus 4:10-12

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A rather good analogy I must say

2012-01-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

Simplifying your life is like chapelling your dominion deck.

If you dont understand dominion, then thats a pity, this analogy wouldnt work, you have to play it to understand it.

Chapel is the often initially underestimated by new players (they wonder why in the world would you even want one) but experts call it the strongest card in the game, expansions included. The main reason for this is that chapel has the ability to keep your deck thin.

As games drag on, with more purchases, one's deck tends to become thicker indeed, and the chances of drawing the cards you want to draw reduce dramatically. By thinning the deck using chapel, one can acquire the cards that one desires more frequently. Chapel is not just used to remove curses as one might think, but it is also used to remove cards with value such as copper and estates in order to make way for even better cards.

Life, is like a dominion game. As life goes on, you get more and more stuff added to your plate. While many of these are generally good stuff on their own, they clog up your plate. Theres a limit to how much you can take at any one point in time. For dominion, thats a hand of five. For life, thats whatever you can handle. As your life clogs up with all these good stuff, you find that you are often unable to have as easy access to the even better stuff as you would like.

The important thing to note about chapel is that it is not about removing worthless or negative things, its about removing less valued positive things, and that is true for life. You can only hold so much in your hand, and while coppers are decent, its better to be rid of them forever and hold a hand of silvers and golds instead. Many things in life are good, but just like how you would want to thin your deck in dominion, you would want thin out your life as well so that you may enjoy the better things.

So, simplify for greatness. Chapel your life.

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Haha

2012-01-14T13:48:00.000+08:00

The best part of portal 2 isnt even the gameplay mechanics, its the characters. Often I stop walking just to hear what GLaDOS and Wheatley have to say =p. At chapter six now and I kinda regret spoiling myself by reading the plot long ago because its actually really good.

Playing portal 1 first is a necessity though, there are quite a number of references to portal 1 that can only be fully understood (and hence hilarious) when it has had been played before,

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Moments where I feel stupid heh

2012-01-14T00:56:00.000+08:00

The bathroom is a magical land of great revelations. Great ideas usually come to me when im in there, I dont know why. I spend plenty of time stoning elsewhere too, lying on my bed and daydreaming, but despite all these, its always in the bathroom where the most amazing things hit me.

And it can be quite annoying, because I cant capture that thought on my handphone when im in the bathroom heh.

So I've been wanting to learn how to cook for quite awhile, and began to take it on more seriously now that I do seem to have alot of free time. I looked around, asked around for anyone who would be willing to, sought for recipes online to make stuff. I started with ideas of what I wanted to learn, but eventually realised that I should probably start with the more basic easier stuff instead of jumping straight to the more advanced ones.

While bathing today, I suddenly had an eureka moment (eureka because it made me want to run out of my bathroom to record it down in case I forgot). The best chinese food chef that I know personally lives two floors below me and cooks five days a week. So happens they are the weekdays which I am the most free.

Why is it that despite telling other people what an awesome cook my grandma is, it never occured to me that I should learn from her? -.-

Well I did think of it in the past but then I decided then I didnt really want to cook the stuff she cooks, being more interested in western and japanese cuisine as well as stuff like ice cream and beverages. When I changed my mind and decided that chinese cuisine is worth learning, somehow I forgot that I could just learn from her.

So yes, I made my appointment, with this easy access to a master, I might be able to become pretty good pretty quick whoohoo ^^.

Oh yes, and I made ice cream from scratch for the first time today. Its still cooling, but it wont turn out that great. I got the procedure right though, thats good, its more of an ingredient issue this time heh. Like, running out of milk =p.

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I have had portal 2 sitting around on my desktop for a rather long time already. Finally decided to get down to it today. Spent a few hours on it today, and it makes me wonder if I should because while few hours of computer gaming used to make me feel quite good, nowadays I think I'd rather spend my time on other things.

Still, portal 2 is nice. Its something I really wanted to enjoy. Its a very special world indeed, where black humour abound, where turrets speak in creepy child like voices, and oh yes the good old companion cube. Of course what I say doesnt quite compare to what it offers. What else do you expect from the critically acclaimed best game of 2011, and whose predecessor was the best game of the decade. I guess the bottom line is that its not meaningless, and I like that. People tend to think that games are a waste of time compared to films and books, but times have changed.

All the same, I have to watch my time. Neglecting other more important things to play portal 2 no matter how great the game is not something I would want to do.

Ah well. GLaDOS and Wheatley are epic heh.

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Perching

2012-01-13T00:19:00.000+08:00

More of a note to self, because I seem to remember things better when I blog about them.

Humility. I am not much. Any single time in which I may think that I am, I am not. Know it. From my own point of view, it may be easier to see all the wonderful things that I am and be blind to all my flaws, while concurrently be blind to the wonderful things of others and sharp eyed in noting their flaws. Recognise the human tendency to do that, and reject it. There is no need for comparisons on who is better or who is worse, the extent of our deviation from the ideal perfection is enough that none should even dare to proclaim themselves better than any other.

At the same time, do not harp on my weaknesses. Yes I am a terrible person. We all are. So what. It is not about me, it is about Christ in me. Even in my weaknesses, God gives grace. There are things that I may feel that I am terrible in and find myself desperately trying to resolve it, believing it necessary to improve on them. Yes, its good to work on these weaknesses, but there is no need to be condemned by it. I must not be obsessed with my weaknesses but to recognise that it takes time to learn. Meanwhile, I need to utilize my strengths. I am not useless.

There are things that need to be done. Dont waste time. Some of these dont require much, but simply a heart that truly desires for it, and hands and feet that are willing to go.

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Is there such a thing as daydreaming too much?

2012-01-12T12:54:00.001+08:00

Just remembered a quote from sherlock holmes.

Sim: What do you see?
Holmes: Everything. That is my curse.

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The roots

2012-01-12T08:17:00.001+08:00

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

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Interesting articles

2012-01-11T23:37:00.000+08:00

Found a link to the relevant magazine yesterday on facebook, and from there linked to these two articles.The perspectives offered here are refreshing, and I find the discussion on control in the second article to be especially intriguing as I think it applies in many areas of our lives and not just in romantic relationships.

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You Never Marry the Right Person

- Timothy Keller

How our culture misunderstands compatibility.

In generations past, there was far less talk about “compatibility” and finding the ideal soul-mate. Today we are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfills our desires, and this creates an unrealistic set of expectations that frustrates both the searchers and the searched for.

In John Tierney’s classic humor article “Picky, Picky, Picky” he tries nobly to get us to laugh at the impossible situation our culture has put us in. He recounts many of the reasons his single friends told him they had given up on their recent relationships:

“She mispronounced ‘Goethe.’”

“How could I take him seriously after seeing The Road Less Traveled on his bookshelf?”

“If she would just lose seven pounds.”

“Sure, he’s a partner, but it’s not a big firm. And he wears those short black socks.”

“Well, it started out great ... beautiful face, great body, nice smile. Everything was going fine—until she turned around.” He paused ominously and shook his head. ”... She had dirty elbows.”

In other words, some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation, a “haven in a heartless world,” as Christopher Lasch describes it. Rather, they are looking for someone who will accept them as they are, complement their abilities and fulfill their sexual and emotional desires. This will indeed require a woman who is “a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling,” and the equivalent in a man. A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put - today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner.

You never marry the right person

The Bible explains why the quest for compatibility seems to be so impossible. As a pastor I have spoken to thousands of couples, some working on marriage-seeking, some working on marriage-sustaining and some working on marriage-saving. I’ve heard them say over and over, “Love shouldn’t be this hard, it should come naturally.” In response I always say something like: “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball’? Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative’?” The understandable retort is: “But this is not baseball or literature. This is love. Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul-mates. “

The Christian answer to this is that no two people are compatible. Duke University Ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas has famously made this point:

Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.

We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

Hauerwas gives us the first reason that no two people are compatible for marriage, namely, that marriage profoundly changes us. But there is another reason. Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered—living life incurvatus in se. As author Denis de Rougemont said, “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love ... ?” That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess. Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature? Indeed, many people who have mastered athletics and art have failed miserably at marriage. So the biblical doctrine of sin explains why marriage—more than anything else that is good and important in this fallen world—is so painful and hard.

No false choices

The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.

The hard times of marriage drive us to experience more of this transforming love of God. But a good marriage will also be a place where we experience more of this kind of transforming love at a human level.

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Surrendering to Singleness

- Fabienne Harford

In my naïve younger days (about three months ago), I managed to convince myself that my desire for control had a fairly loose grip on my heart. Now that I’m three months older, I can see a little more clearly. The tragic truth is that so much of my life is designed to maximize my sense of control.

Praise the Lord for the kindness of singleness, which costs me control in a huge area of my life.

Most life stages are chosen. But for many single folks, this is not the case. Singleness is the default. It’s the life stage we are all in until we are removed from it by choices we make. I didn’t choose to be single. And so there’s this pain or anxiety that comes with knowing there is nothing I can do to change where I am. The world may say otherwise, but the kind of marriage I would want is only possible through an act of God.

I have been taught—from an early age - that I control my own destiny. That if I want something, I can walk out those doors and get it. That I can pursue and achieve anything I set my mind on. That my life is in my hands. This is, after all, the American Dream.

When I became a Christian, I renounced these beliefs. However, in my heart, I still cling to the lie that I have control over certain things in my life. I believe I have control over my schedule and my day and my life. The pain of losing control in singleness constantly reels me back in from my imaginary world where I can make anything happen that I want. I can’t change my Facebook status to "married" with a little hard work and willpower, and each time I remember this, there is a sobering pain that teaches me truth.

Somewhere deep inside we believe control would be the key to our joy and peace. Life would be better if we controlled it. We manage to set up 90 percent of our day living in the fantasy that we are going to determine what happens, and we spend hours pondering days and years that haven’t occurred, anticipating the decisions we can make to steer and direct the world into our intended path.

My buddy Malachi (who is 3) gets the truth a lot better than me. When he wants to eat, he can’t just go get food for himself. Anything and everything he wants, he has to ask for, and the only way he’ll get it is if his mom or dad get it for him.

What is strange is that I’m actually more dependent on God than Malachi is on his parents—I just happen to live in a time and place that convinces me otherwise. I can’t breathe in or out without His power and grace. I think I can get food for myself, but I can’t. I can’t do anything apart from Him.

My favorite part about the pain of losing control in singleness is the moment in the car, or in my apartment on an especially low day when I attribute my frustration with singleness to it being the one thing I can’t control.

It’s my favorite part because it takes about 10 seconds of sitting in that angst before I hear the challenge from the Spirit: Is it really? Is this the one part of your life that you don’t control?

The Bible says my very apartment address has been appointed by God and every day of my life is written by Him and He is always and in every way holding all things together by the power of His word. There is only One in control, and it is not me. He holds the hearts of Kings in His hand.

Would I want it differently? In these moments, the faces of all the people I might have married if I was in "control" flash before my eyes. And I cringe a little. And worship a little.

I’m afraid of not having control. I’m worried that because I can’t control this area of my life, I will miss out. In the same way I am anxious about tomorrow because I am worried that if it doesn’t turn out as I need it to, I will lose something or miss something or not gain what I need.

I’m afraid that if I don’t have control, no one has control. But this isn’t true. Someone is in control. Someone who is fully wise and fully able and competent. Someone who never sleeps. And guess what—He’s someone who is constantly working every detail of every day and the hearts of every man for my good.

There is nothing more gracious than areas of our lives that remind us we don’t have control. Praise the Lord that I don’t have control over my marital status. The pain of losing control reminds me I actually never had control—in any aspect of my life. Some of you reading that might find it offensive, but it’s so gloriously liberating.

Do you know why people loved college so much? Or high school? Or their childhood? Because it was back in the days when you didn’t have to bear the burden of your life on your shoulders. People could direct you and lead you, and you would just be faithful with what was handed to you.

Good news: this is the life of a Christian. My Father is working everything out. He will provide for me. Today, I have everything I need for life and godliness. Today, nothing good has been withheld from me. Today, He is ordaining every detail of my day for my good. Today, I don’t need to be anxious about anything because He will take care of me.

The answer to the "why am I single" question is always: Because Jesus loves you. Because this is Him giving you what you need for today. Because this is the only way you’re going to finish this race. Because He promised to give you what was good and best and the key to your ultimate joy—and He’s going to do that, despite your attempts to sabotage your life.

We’ll waste this suffering if we look to our "odds" for hope instead of trusting in Jesus. We’ll waste it if we think the key to our joy is taking control instead of trusting. I know this tendency. It produces every kind of evil in coveting and questioning: Why is that girl married and not me? What if I don’t go to this party tonight and so I stay single? Don’t I have to put myself out there more? If I go to the nations, how will I meet a husband?

God’s mission calls. It is the purpose of our lives. Press on for the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Do not be distracted by details like marital status. Do not be kept out of the fight by fear of missing out on a date, but seek the greater glory of God.

---

Mechanical

2012-01-11T02:51:00.000+08:00

Just a few days ago, I mentioned that with this new growth spurt in DI, we might not be able to have a functioning dinner group. This occurs to me especially so when my mom asks me about having friends over for CNY.

I will of course never ever say that this growth is bad, it is a wonderful joyous thing indeed and I guess whatever I have to say is worth sacrificing for this. Still I'll have to say it, because the fact is that it changes the way things are.

Like I said, im not a fan of huge groups of people. Too many people results in the entire gathering becoming less of company and more of a crowd, even if it is a crowd of good friends. Personally, I would always choose having a small group of friends around than having every single one of them with me. You cant really interact with every single person if everyone is going to be there, and there isnt much real opportunity to get to know anyone better.

Its not that I dont want some people to be there, each and every single person present is a treasured individual who is precious to me, but I dont want everyone to be there at the same time, where the identity of the individual gets lost in the mob and we become known only as our collective group. People will try to talk at each other instead of with each other. Nothing deep or personal would be shared due to the presence of so many others. Its impossible to have a nice decent conversation (or perhaps even to sit in silence) with another or few others as there will be the presence of constant interruptions. Activities would abound, there will be shouts of laughter. I will laugh, but I will get tired of laughing. There would be so much noise, and so little conversation, so much talking, and so little communication. I dont want a party, I just want a gathering. I dont seek chaos, I seek serenity.

Of course, some might say that all that isnt necessarily true, and that much I agree. Its more likely to happen though, and when what I say above is untrue, I'd think more often than not its because its the exception rather than the norm. Tell me if its possible that I may find even a moment of silence that day? Will it draw me closer to the people whom I love, or will it simply tire me out?

This is something I face as my mom gives me the option for this year's CNY. I guess I dont want to bojio anyone, and I cant really reduce the numbers anyway even if I wanted to because I dont have any 'order of importance' in which I can eliminate the 'less important people'. There are no 'less important people', and so despite the fact that I'd like a small select group rather than a crowd of twenty, I realise that its not really possible.

I guess I'll fix the details soon and invite everyone (probably 29th Jan). No planned itinerary, everyone does whatever they want. I join in as much as I can, until I get tired, then maybe I'll go for a walk or just retire to my room, close my eyes and rest. Oh yes, must set a rule where no taupoks allowed in my room, my bed will break.

Hopefully, there willl be times in the future where a small group of us could go by the beach in the twilight just sitting around as the waves lap our feet, or a campfire in the night with just a few around roasting marshmallows. Maybe that will happen only in dreamland, I dont know. We'll see.

---

To be honest, im not a huge fan of the birthday ic thing that we have in kairos now. It feels like it cheapens the whole birthday. I guess I can understand the rationale behind it, wanting to make sure no one is left out, no one is treated as less important than the others etc. Yet, when mine comes, I know it will be celebrated, simply because one man is responsible for it. If it isnt, that person will be held accountable (well sort of).

Since when are birthday celebrations obligatory? Not only so, the initiative of those who actually do want to make an effort to celebrate the person's birthday is cheapened as well. That is of course, assuming those people dont just decide that since the birthday ic is in charge, they dont have to bother. I do believe that birthday celebrations are the most special when people choose to put the time, effort, and money into it willingly, when they do so even when there are no expectations. I removed my birthday from facebook precisely because I dont want people who only take note of it when facebook tells them, I dont want lazy obligatory wall posts, I dont even want to remind people that its coming because I feel that those who care should be aware of it anyway.

Frankly im not even a huge fan of how sometimes eugene may sms all of us to wish someone happy birthday. I know there have been times I forgot and that reminded me, but I guess I'd rather have people forget than suddenly receive ten messages all within five minutes wishing me happy birthday. I'll know they all probably forgot and someone reminded them all, and though I would reply nicely with hearts and whatnot because at least they took the effort to send it out, I dont think I'll exactly be at cloud nine.

Funny, last year the whole di 'celebrated' my birthday, but in reality, it just so happened that my birthday coincided with showdown three, and lefa (who started the chorus) saw eugene's post on the kairos fb group earlier that day. Its nice to have everyone sing for you, but it really doesn't mean much personally. Certainly no time, effort and money was put into that.

I dont ask for much from other people, I dont need elaborate surprise birthday parties, but little tokens which show that they care mean a great deal to me.

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Cycling: Done!

2012-01-10T08:47:00.002+08:00

Click the picture, full screen the map and zoom in! Use the hybrid map =).

I did majority of this cycling trip myself. Home to clementi first, Rei went with me all the way up to CCK, then I went to YT myself, back to CCK, up to YT again, then all the way home. It was raining on and off the entire trip and could get quite heavy at times but it was very enjoyable, though I might now have caught the flu bug =/. Hope Rei doesnt fall ill in Japan.

And then I reached home, was still quite awake and everything, had dinner, bathed, decided to lie down on my bed while waiting for my computer to start up, oh shucks its 745am!

Haha oh well. It was a very enjoyable trip. Jon must come along the next time though, cycling the distance of half a mrt station then going home isnt counted. Will probably try a different route, maybe this time going eastwards instead of northwards. Perhaps the end of this month before Jon enters NS.

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Midnight

2012-01-09T02:11:00.003+08:00

Im very tired of it, knowing exactly what is the problem, but being unable to resolve it because it just doesnt get in. No logical reasonings work, no emotional appeals work, and im so drained. I thought it was alright, it was alright for so long, but I guess I was wrong.

In time, in time. I dont know how long though.

---

I sorta have a new year resolution. Its not much different from the ones I have in the past two years, but each day im learning and improving:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Perhaps the most famous part of the bible aside from maybe 'let there be light'. Precisely because its so common however that the sheer weight of it does not sink in. The full extent of it is a huge challenge, and this year I seek to do my best to live it out.

Also, somewhat related:

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;

you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Another familiar part that must not be reduced to fanciful memory verses that have no impact on our lives. It must be lived.

---

Time to sleep, shall awaken to cycling with jon and rei.

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Humble beginnings

2012-01-08T01:58:00.002+08:00

I had the privilege of being the one to add chairs at the back of honour room today. Added one row initially because there wasnt enough seating space for myself and a few others. After worship, with the addition of a few phoster members, another row had to be added for them. As I put down these second set of chairs, I saw that this new row of chairs had entered into the space where the old glory room was.

There was a time when si er had said in faith 'lets tear down this room', he believed that DI was going to grow and the additional space would be necessary for more seats. With my very eyes today, I see it come to pass.

I remember he said something else then too. We're not going to just clear that room for a few more chairs, we're going to fill the chairs all the way to the back of the room.

And I earnestly await for that day.

There was some other exercise we did long ago too, everyone held hands and formed a circle. The circle wasnt large enough to touch the ends of the room. The second time we did it, it was. During the Christmas event while we had an activity, the circle spread into the old glory room, and that occurred while everyone was quite closely packed together.

Im not a fan of huge groups of people, and the increased difficulty of a functioning dinner group is getting at me, but tonight was a beautiful night and even if it means we wont ever be able to find seats in any eateries ever again, I think im fine with that.

---

We've been through much, and we've emerged stronger.

There have been losses, some of which I still look back at regretfully. There are things I have failed to do, consequences which could have been avoided had I not shown neglect. I believe the absence of love, seen through things like judgmental attitudes, apathy, as well as lack of empathy have cost us. Though its been awhile and I dont feel much of the pain anymore, it still saddens me whenever I think of it. I feel responsible. I could have done something, could have made it all different.

And its the truth, so dont dissuade me of it. What God has entrusted to me I have failed to carry through.

But we must not live in past regrets. Whats done is done. What matters is how we move from hence forth. And im glad God has given me a second chance, one which is undeserving in many ways, a product not of my effort but simply appeared out of nowhere. Though what has already been lost perhaps may never be reclaimed, but what was almost lost is back here, and this time I must not fail.

And thus far, it has gone well, and I am truly thankful.

Never again will I want to go through the time of two-man cells. Never again will I allow it to happen. All that God has entrusted this time round, I will carry through. I know im not the best man for the job, but it doesnt matter, I do what I can. Im still trying, im still learning.

---

Sometimes, its amazing how we can make an impact simply by being ourselves. When we speak of being the 'light of the world', it becomes a little old sometimes, not quite understanding the full extent of what it means. We understand the analogy of how a small light can make a difference in a dark room, but we cant quite see how it translates into real life.

Yet I am amazed at the things that can happen when we simply choose to live the God life. After awhile, in some ways it becomes quite natural to us, we don't even think about what we do (of course there are still times we struggle), yet that which is ordinary to us has an extraordinary effect on other people.

Sometimes, we dont realise just how much power is in us to make a difference. Every single little thing we do, conscious or subconscious, things we dont even think about, goes a long way in making a difference in someone's life. We often dont actually see the effect of it very clearly or instantly, but its there. As a friend put it, 'just as the weather is chaotic and a butterfly can cause a hurricane, we are butterflies; all actions in all time reverberate eternally'.

Be like Christ, be the light of the world. You wont see the results immediately perhaps, but you'll be surprised when you do.

---

I always remember this song as where I began, and I dont listen to it much anymore, but its fresh each time I do, connecting me from in the days past to where I am today.

We've found our voice
We've found our cause
We're on our knees
The carpet's worn

---

Bowed

2012-01-07T00:57:00.000+08:00

The amazing thing about grace is that not only do the unjust not get what they deserve, but they are given more.

---

With all the activities slowing down as school resumes for most people (and it will slow further as the first batch of people enter the army), there begins more time to spend on doing the other little things I wanna do.

Made jelly, oreo milkshake, and finally got my chawanmushi right. Mmm.

More to come, more to come.

---

It appears that I forgot to mention The Settlers of Catan and its expansions in the list of board games I want to own the other time hmm.

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Omnomnom

2012-01-06T01:56:00.000+08:00

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Selegie road tauhuay (Y). I think old airport road nicer though, perhaps because of the caramel.

Sherlock holmes is a master troll heh.

Also, results tomorrow. Not quite feeling nervous now, but it'll come tomorrow heh.

Cycling on monday with rei and jon, and with some additional sneaky ideas afterwards hehe.

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o.o

2012-01-05T00:14:00.001+08:00

It suddenly occurs to me that I have two rather pro bboys as facebook friends, and I was just looking at their videos heh. Funny, because I added one as a friend due to stupid reasons (he was a friend of a friend), and the other one we met in hokkaido. Both hwa chong bboys but different years, they know each other since one is the senior of the other heh.

I realised this because one of them (the friend of friend one, same year as me), his bboy crew just released a trailer thats somewhat trending on facebook now. Some guy in my church posted the video, as did the bboy himself and when i checked out the video I was like, oh shucks its that dude haha.

Oh well, but I havnt talked to both of them in years now heh. I shall stalk their videos from afar.

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Sometimes, I think I am a terrible person

2012-01-04T22:50:00.003+08:00

The Vine Band (LIVE): Your Heart from thevineband on Vimeo.

To the lost, to the blind
Setting free what is bound in the dark
This is Your heart
This is Your heart
All the things that I've made
Put in place of Your Love
Tear You apart
Give me Your heart, Your heart

Break me Lord, help me fall upon my face
Make me poor, if it helps me see Your grace
Make me weak, that I’d come to know Your strength
Lose my life, to be found in Your embrace
Breaking down, lifted up, I surrender Lord
Oh I’d gladly give it all
For Your heart Lord

Savior I come
Quiet my soul
Remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured outBring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Here I am, humbled by Your majesty
Covered by Your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands
Here I am, humbled by the love that You give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
So here I stand, knowing that I am Your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Singing Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your Majesty
Majesty

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside outLord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

Where you go I go
What you say I say
What you pray I pray

Jesus only did, What he saw you do
He would only say, What he heard you speak
He would only move, When he felt you lead
Following your heart, Following your spirit
How could I expect to walk without you
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I would not begin to live without you
For you alone are worthy you are always good
You are always good
You are always good
Always good
Always good

Though the world seems to forget
We will not forget
Who you are and what you've done for us

You are my God

---

Cycling in the rain

2012-01-03T11:42:00.001+08:00

So close your eyes, you can close your eyes, its alright.

---

I maintain board games are great fun, but its like how listening to the same beautiful song twenty times in a row makes you quite sick of it, so does playing twenty rounds of bang over the past few weeks. Same goes for citadels, except I've played less games of it but each game tends to be longer. Dominion is much more intriguing, but board games on a whole recently has a tad bit too much presence in my life that it makes me not want to play it that much either. You know, listening to the same song twenty times doesnt make you just quite sick of that song, it can make you sick of listening to all music for awhile.

Im not much of a movie fan. I mean, if something's playing I dont mind sitting down and watching it, but if no one bothers to play it, I wont mind missing it. Most movies dont interest me that much on the whole. For me, its like even though they can be a pretty enjoyable experience, it doesnt really affect me at the end of the day so its just another activity I have done, no different from playing board games or just sitting around chilling.

So really, I had not much intention on doing much of these during the stayover to begin with. It was there more of, so that people who ask me what we're doing I can give them an answer, and also so that people who will be bored will have something to do. But for me, I would have been perfectly content with none of those, but just to be in the company of those whom I treasure deeply.

Really, I thought my favourite part of the entire stayover was walking ys to his house then walking back with joshua and then hanging around at the playground downstairs just talking about life. These are the things that matter, that I'd like to hopefully see more of. Not large groups seated together making a heck load of noise, but the serenity of simple companionship, of shared hearts. Intimacy between close friends.

What I'll give.

In these two days there are things that I havn't exactly been very happy about (or at least, kind of disappointing). For one, I felt that there was much missing and it could have been alot better. I didnt quite like the whole game driven attitude of people wanting to play nonstop, that even at 3am people were still only either playing or sleeping. I guess I hoped for more silence, more of simply enjoying one another's presence without all the other distractions, but that didnt quite work out. Haha there was no talk about life that we said we were gonna have last week. The balcony or the playground at night would have been nice. Still, im glad that there were nonetheless little pockets of time where I found truly enjoyable and that makes everything worth it. Not the best, but hey I'll take it over staying at home.

And so 2012 has begun, no new resolutions this year, just simply building upon everything before.

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And the clock strikes 12

2012-01-01T01:05:00.000+08:00

Welcome to 2012. You could look at it as the beginning of a new year, or you could see it simply as the dawn of a new day.

So yes. I started this post at 11:55pm, but didnt write anything because I was talking on msn and on sms. At 11:58pm, I decided to just wait two more minutes for symbolism's sake. And now its 12. My neighbours are pretty accurate because as they did their countdown, exactly at 0, chinese gardens fired some flares into the night sky. Or maybe its just because they were watching the countdown on tv. I wouldnt know, my tv's off.

So this new year, im not at watchnight, pastor tim cancelled it in light of the fact that sunday service is on 1st jan anyway. My house is entirely empty, my bro out with his friends and my parents at their watchnight service. So the whole house is silent, with the only noise I hear around me being the typing of my keyboard, the whirling of my computer fan, and of course the neighbours. Goodness, they are so noisy. Well I suppose it is a new year's party.

It doesnt feel like a new year, and this year especially it wont. The new year always signified a beginning of a new school year, and that is absent this time round. New year or not, its just a continuation of my holidays, as of little relevance to me as the passing of november into december.

Its supposed to be something significant I guess. Facebook suddenly tells me I have 57 new stories within the span of a few minutes, and twitter is overcapacity. Now that didnt happen during Christmas. I remember when I looked forward to each new year, staying up in the night to scream happy new year at my parents, then the watchnight services which were pretty funny when we overshot the time and then did our own countdown 15 mins after it was already the new year.

Of course, these divisions of years are but man made divisions. Something a friend said to me last year stuck with me though I cant remember the exact words. It may be a new year, but its the same old life. The issues of 2010 carried forward to 2011, and in the same way, the issues of 2011 carry forward to 2012. Nothing changed when the clock struck 12. I am still me, facing the same joys and the same struggles. My problems did not disappear as the flares lit up the night sky. 2011 is now the past, but it is no more of a past than how yesterday or last week was the past.

We simply ran past another marker in the long race, thats all, nothing to get all excited about.

---

While the new year didn't quite cause this, it reminds me of it. It reminds me that im older, it reminds me that I've grown, and have become a very different person than I was the year before. I didn't suddenly transform at midnight into something new, but through this year I have changed slowly but surely.

My perceptions towards many things in life have changed. I have gained further insights on what it means to love, and have learnt overall to become a more humble person (sounds proud to say that actually heh, how paradoxical). My experiences in the mountains and valleys of 2011 have molded me to become a better person, and one more well versed in the journey we walk.

Some things arent huge life changing things, but they change my life in little ways. Gaming doesnt have that much appeal anymore, with my preference being spending time with the people whom I cherish (gaming with them works though, but no that doesnt mean dota for you weiren you go study). This year, I became to find more joy in playing art games, preferring the philosophy and emotion behind it over the actual gameplay itself. Gaming for the sake of gaming has lost its appeal to me.

Im less of a miser now, maybe that has to do with my allowance increase too but I doubt so actually. Increasingly, I see money as a tool to be used and not something to be saved for no reason. Maybe the study of economics and inflation helps me to see the value of spending over saving, I dont know. Last year, I would never have dreamt of purchasing bang or citadels because they would have seemed overpriced to me. Now, I think it was a good investment.

Even my tastes in clothes are changing. Just went shopping on thursday, partially because I was getting a little sick of all the more cutesy clothes I have. I realise I dont want funny t shirts or wallets anymore. That the coma shirt I had wasnt all that great to wear around. It didnt so much have to do with me thinking that I need to dress more maturely, but it simply happened.

These are but a few examples of course. Like I said the other time, we are an ever combusting phoenix, always turning to ashes and always reforming.

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Every year I get less excited about it evidently. I was just looking at last year's post, remembering what happened last year as the clock struck 12. I saw this post too, and I suppose its kind of like a new year's resolution that I completely forgot about. Somehow, even though I dont remember this post, I think it did go pretty well though. Not perfect, there are many things that can be better, but it'll do.

What do I really wish to see in 2012? I dont know. I dont think I want to make such resolutions. I'd think about it, and maybe I'll decide what do I really wish to see in my life, and not restrict it to this little time frame like how we often do.

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Will you look at that

2011-12-31T13:21:00.001+08:00

So pretty.

On an unrelated note, by playing quite a few two player games with my bro using the copy I borrowed from zac, I managed to suck him into the world of dominion and now hes considering buying a set. PROFIT!!

P.S. Eh, dunnid to go playnation anymore lah, I realise you can rent games from http://bogas.com.sg/ so instead of paying 6 dollars per person for 4 hours you can split the much lower rent (dominion is 7.50) among everyone and have it for 5 days.

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Shamelessly stolen from another blog

2011-12-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

Of which the owner stole from here. Now im not inclined to agree completely with everything written here, but I must admit most of it is quite true. And im not a complete introvert either, just leaning more to that side than the extrovert side.

10 myths about Introverts

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.

This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

I don't hate small talk! But yes I wont shut up for days xD.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.

Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Awwww. There are many situations that I really am though HAHA.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.

Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Eh, maybe I kinda got used to social pleasantries heh. I certainly wouldnt mind doing without them though.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.

On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Thats so sweet =p.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.

Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

How do people go out every single day without staying at home once in awhile! Im dying going out so much already. Alone time is good.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.

Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

I said alone time is good, I didnt say forever alone is good.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.

Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

I'd take that as a compliment.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.

Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Hey I pay attention to whats going on around me! I think. But yes the inner world is a very cool place to be. Part of the reason why I lie on my bed so much. My parents think im napping but no, im somewhere out there, in an alternate reality.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.

Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Im a shapeshifter! Thrill and adrenaline is good stuff kay. But yes, sometimes things get too noisy for too long, I need to climb into a closet and close the doors. And accidentally fall asleep in it. It was comfortable and I was tired okay.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.

A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

Now this one just sounds mean to extroverts. I'd beg to differ on every single occupation listed there okay. Maybe there tends to be slightly more introverts in these jobs, but its not enough to say that the world will have 'few' of them. And are you sure for scientists, filmmakers, doctors and mathematicians? But yes, introverts should be respected as introverts.

And then theres another one here, also stolen from the same blog, but I disagree with this one more than the one above.

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Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

2011-12-29T22:30:00.001+08:00

Yea yea, I always post it. It doesnt get old.

I don't know why, but listening to this song always makes me feel better whenever I start to get a little bit of the blues. It isnt a song I associate with anything in particular, and its lyrics dont exactly speak about anything in my life that would make me feel like it understands me. Yet it does.

Perhaps its the mood of the entire song, with the mix of its lyrical meditations, questioning and the piano backbone. It comes across to me as a sad melody, of one pondering life, reflecting about the difficulty of not any one particular thing but the journey itself. Yet despite the feeling that life can be pretty overwhelming, there isnt a hint of despair, but a recognition of come what may. Maybe a glimmer of hope, but not hope in that things will get better, but a hope that even in the midst of everything, it is alright.

I dont know how you might interpret the song, but thats just how it makes me feel. There are numerous other songs that do tend to have this therapeutic effect on me, but this is the only one that doesnt explicitly have lyrics which would make that point, nor is it associated with anything I cherish in my life. It is simply by itself a song to bask in. And thats pretty special.

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Board games

2011-12-28T13:05:00.002+08:00

An update on the cycling thing first, still no confirmed date, jon lim and rei have indicated their interest in coming with me.

Soe yewtee will probably be fixed as the end point and then everyone can find their way home from there (which means I'll probably backtrack the way we came up). The route is extended (for me) due to a modification of the meeting place which should likely be clementi central. So I gotta cycle to clementi central first, then head up to jurong to meet with the original route. Might take the west coast road bike path out from clementi.

---

Now, board games. They're not always really board games, some are purely card games, but who cares. I learnt that games like bang, shadow hunters and citadels are classified loosely under euro style board games (perhaps a silent attack at the americans and their lousy board games heh), but the distinction between these two types of board games is that the type that people are generally more familiar with are very much 'party' games (so boring), while euro style games are more about strategy and pitting skills against one another.

I find playing these board games much more fulfilling than things like dota because it allows me to play with friends and many friends at that. Depending on which group of people I play with, I might find myself constantly amused and laughing at the little antics, or perhaps thinking through my strategies seriously in an attempt to outwit the other players, or a mix of both. No matter what, I enjoy it. And spoilers in board games are alot more funny than spoilers in dota.

Anyway, it sudden occurs to me that I have this new found interest in boardgames and that my birthday coming in roughly half a year's time. Im not sure how these two things are related hmm, do you know?

Why, lets talk about the games Im currently looking at, in order of how much I want it:

1) Dominion

I knew about the existence of this game, knew that it was highly rated, and actually saw it when I was with europe. Instead of overspending on a game which I dont know if it will really be that fun (after all I already spent a hundred) since I dont actually know how its played, I decided not to buy it. Now after playing zac's one, damn maybe I should have gotten it.

The deck building style of dominion is highly intriguing and apparently it spawned many new games of that style since then. If I want another board game to add to my collection, this is next. Its a fantastic game. And of course, it has six expansions, and I want them all wahhahaha.

2) Carcassonne

Carcassonne has a retarded number of expansions, you gotta spend a few hundred to get everything. We could start small and get only the original though, and that's good, and maybe over a few years build up the entire collection hehe. Another game with unique gameplay, though I havnt tried it out myself, but it seems interesting enough for me. Hailed by critics and also by the many people on forums who declare it the best game ever.

3) Bang! expansions

I know I already have three expansions hehe, but more is always good, but it seems to me that wild west show may not be that great an expansion, because it mostly merely introduces new characters and another high noon/fistful of cards like set (which I already find it a little bit of a waste considering you can only play one set at a time). The others are interesting though. Valley of shadows and gold rush arent released in english yet, but I think they would make good additions to the game. What I really am interested in however are unofficial expansions, of which amongst them death mesa and robber's roost look REALLY interesting, but you have to get a printing service yourself to do it. The bang blog where they originated from teaches you how to do it though, so thats good.

I totally wanna get these games, but purchasing too many of them myself is extremely costly mmhmm. I wonder if there is any other possible way that I can ever acquire these. Oh well I dont know. Do you? Maybe it has something to do with that birthday thought I had just now =D.

Anyway, aside from these 3 that I really want, here are some other potentially interesting ones.

4) 7 Wonders

Another critically acclaimed game, it was the winner of this year's most prestigious board game award thingum. A card development game like dominion, but with its own unique differences.

5) Agricola

The one turn off of this game is that im afraid it might end up a little bit like a mix of citadels, carcassone and dominions. I dont know for sure though, but the description of it looks somewhat like that. Still, worth a shot.

6) Ticket to Ride

An interesting concept, but im not sure if I really would like it that much. I might want to try it at a board game cafe first.

7) Shadow Hunters

Shadow hunters is a very interesting game, but I feel it has two major problems. Firstly, an over-reliance on luck. Secondly and even more unfortunately, a lack of replay value. After having played it about 5 times, I have lost the great excitement I had for it. I played more than 10 games of bang already though, and the game is still quite fun.

And the wikipedia article for it is pathetic xD.

So everyone, remember, about five months from now, while I'll be having BMT at tekong, you guys should totally go online shopping =D.

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When reason and emotion clash

2011-12-27T16:10:00.000+08:00

As a person who operates by logic much more than emotion and makes decisions according to them, I often find that despite my emotional attachments to certain things, I am able to push them away if I decide against it. Similarly, even there are times where my emotions cause me to be repulsed from other things, but rationally I see the need for it and am willing to do it. Logic often overpowers emotion that way in my life, and it works fine for me.

Sometimes though, logic gives me a 95% to 5% score, and while normally I would go with the 95%, emotion screams endlessly for me to go with the 5% simply because as long as there is that glimmer, emotion declares that it is alone enough reason to go for it.

Two years later, emotion is still screaming about that 5% and im starting to find that increasingly an incessant noise that I ought to get rid of.

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Cycling!

2011-12-27T01:51:00.000+08:00

Not yet, but soon enough I hope.

Used mapmyride.com and google street view to successful plan out a path that will take me all the way to yewtee, and that after that I have no clue what am I going to do. Turning 180 and going back seems boring and I hope at least I could take an alternative route back but I have no idea how to go about doing that.

Well the last time I cycled to lot 1, I got owned by the mrt tracks cutting through the grass field which made me go on a detour. Now upon further investigation of alternative paths, I realise, the next best alternative saves me only 500m.

CHOA CHU KANG Y U GOT BIG GRASSY FIELD.

So anyway this goes out to everyone here. If anyone wants to cycle with me, give me a call or drop me a message. Not like I really expect anyone since school's starting but I sure dont mind having some company. I dont intend to speed through it but to take it more slowly, relax and smell the flowers. It'll be a daytime cycle, which means it'll be hot but I'd take that over a night cycle where I cant see anything.

At the moment my planned route:
1) Start from my house
2) Cycle to chinese gardens mrt
3) Follow the train tracks going to jurong mrt
4) When nearing jurong mrt switch to the bukit batok train tracks
5) Cycle to the bridge, pay a visit to the fun little slope there
6) Cycle over the bridge, reach west mall
7) Turn right, follow bike path to bukit gomak
8) Pay a visit to little guilin
9) Follow train tracks, past hometeam ns
10) At junction, turn right or get owned by train tracks again
11) Follow path until LRT tracks
12) Turn left and follow LRT tracks to lot 1
13) Follow the loop out and follow MRT tracks to yew tee
14) I have no idea what to do once im there

So yea. I need a few things. Firstly, hopefully people to accompany me (if really dont have its fine lah but do you really want to miss out on this). Secondly, an idea on what to do after yewtee, its actually only about a 2 hour route on a relaxed pace and I think I can go longer than that, just that I dont see much point beyond yewtee, maybe find a way to go down to boon lay (old choa chu kang road so many graveyards though).

Mmhmm. No idea when im going to do this, buts its something I always wanted to do since I got the bike and maybe its time to start.

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Shades of grey

2011-12-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

Saudade
Mono no aware
Sehnsucht
Weltschmerz
Acedia
Ennui
Toska
Litost

Different shades of emotion, similar to varying degrees perhaps with the exception of one or two.

In some ways, I think sadness can be a beautiful thing, mainly because of the intricacies in it. The word 'sad' doesnt begin to comprehend its complexities.

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The runner's heartbeat

2011-12-25T02:37:00.002+08:00

Before I begin, an annoucement to make. My phone's not receiving smses properly again (heh might be the cranky charging with lefa's nokia charger at ubin which I knew would screw my phone up but went ahead anyway), and this time its not just m1 but also starhub and singtel. So if I dont reply, give me a call.

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I find something interesting often occurs in my life. Often I don't traverse the mountains or valleys in my life by themselves, but its as if I walk through them at the same time. Im not sure if it is a coincidence or what, there seems to be theoretically no correlation but it happens. Perhaps its God's reminder for me that even as I walk through the valleys, He is with me. Or perhaps even as I walk through the mountains, I am only human.

As I examine my life, the largest, more distinctive turning points in my life are often a combination of good and bad things happening simultaneously, and these things are often unrelated. Secondary three was one, it was a very tough emotional period for me then, but it was also the year when I entered DI. While for some they turn to the Lord in their darkest times, for me the two things never really had much of an influence on one another (maybe only in the later periods like in secondary four), but they both turned out to be huge influences on my life.

I have a mountain and valley before me now. They're not as huge as the ones I've faced before, but they're there. And it just strikes me how they're both coming together at the same time again. This time, they both teach me more about love, in different ways. It helps me to understand one of life's greatest mysteries better.

In the end, we will only just remember how it feels.

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In skidding down the valley, I find that there are things that I wish I had control over but do not have, that there are things I wish I were more capable in but am inadequate, that there are things I wish I could change but cannot. I realise I am horribly flawed, one could even say pathetic. Pathetic is a strong word but its the truth. Rather than pretend all's fine, I rather admit it and possibly work on it, but for now thats the way it is.

Some things seep into your life and poison you from within, killing you slowly and silently.

You know, I believe in the need for emotional stability, placing great value on it. I dislike it when people are permanently depressed, as if the whole world owes them something, so I do my best not to do that to others. I dont want to hound people with my problems which they cant do anything about and give them additional problems. Besides, I find that more often than not, people can be pretty miserable comforters when you try to get them to emphatize with your situation.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped talking. Yet I find it increasingly hard to pretend that im more stable than I really am. It has become extremely tiring to keep it all in and make it seem like everything's alright when its not. I know im good at convincing the whole world im feeling great when im not. Faking smiles and laughter (while throwing in a joke) while the heart rends a little within has become second nature to me that I do it now on a regular basis.

But im very tired of it. One fine day, I might decide to drop that poker face, maybe just for a little while, so that people can know that im not that permanently bouncing bundle of joy whos indestructible in the face of the challenges of life. So that people can see that I am feeling sad and though they may not be able to empathize or help (well you certainly cant if you have no idea what its about), maybe it would be enough simply to let people know that such an emotional state exists in me and is currently a rather significant portion of my life. I hope that understanding alone would be enough of a therapy. So I write this.

And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

---

In scaling up the mountain, I find hope.

A sweet thing happened today. It isnt actually that great a replacement for what was lost, but the intentions were true and the heart for it touched me. So who cares if its not the same, im sure I can turn it into something special. If anything, it will be one of the things that will come to have a greater meaning in my life, something I would cherish deeply.

And im reminded, that even as I walk through the valleys, I need not fear. If I ever crumble and everything about me falls apart, there are people who will catch me. That there are people who would go the distance with me, who would stand and fight for me.

Though the moment has passed and the realities of life seep back in, it will always serve as a constant reminder of the precious love that is found here.

Some people say all you need in life are good friends. I dont agree with that statement, but I can see why they might say that.

Of course, lets not forget our precious saviour, who first loved us and taught us to love in return. In the joyous celebration of Christmas, I know im not indestructible, but I need not be.

Oh your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me.

---

The legs grow weary, the breathing gets harder. The mind gets tired and it whispers 'stop'.

The heart keeps beating. It heats up, there is pain in the chest. But it keeps beating. It keeps beating.

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Revisitation

2011-12-24T02:04:00.002+08:00

Shit. I did it again. Sigh. And after telling myself to me more aware of such things. Anyway, thats unrelated to the post.

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There is an old story told of a child who lived in a house with a majestic tree. Soon after, he left the house and migrated, never returning. Years passed and he grew into a man, but all these while he always remembered the old majestic tree. He dreamt of the tree, he thought of it all the time, and desired to revisit it. He spoke of it to all his friends, the great vast majestic tree of his childhood home. One day, he bought a plane ticket and flew back to the old country to visit the old house and its old majestic tree. With great anticipation, he returned and headed to the house. He walked into the courtyard and found the tree, but it was just slightly taller than he was. The majestic tree was but a small one, unlike anything he envisioned.

Sometimes our memories play tricks on us. Sometimes, the things from the past which we remember glowingly in our memories are nothing much in reality.

In January 2010, seven of us visited ubin as part of our NYAA expedition. We had a great time there. In December 2011, three of us (together with thirteen others) revisited the old land.

I had a great time there then, even though I had gotten injured on that trip, it was an enjoyable experience. The campfire, the dirt roads, the endless laughter, many things. Returning from the trip, there were certain things that were seared into memory. For example, the long steep downslope in the chek jawa exit which we enjoyed dashing down, standing on our bikes and feeling the breeze.

Evidently though, having it 'seared' into memory was not quite correct. Or perhaps the memory had rusted over time, deforming its exact nature. On this return trip almost two whole years later, the long steep downslope did not seem that steep nor that long. It was really anticlimactic.

Thats a small matter though, just one of the many examples of how our memories sometimes play tricks on us.

There one was place I wanted to return to ubin for. The one place I really wanted to visit. I fell in love with the place the first time I was there and I knew I would be back. It was a beautiful turquoise lagoon (medium turquoise I would say fits best), the one you see at the top of this post in a picture I took 2 years ago. There was no place else in the whole of this country where one could find a view as beautiful as it. It was untainted by the city, unpolluted due to a combination of its inaccessibility, the mangroves and a hillside which traps any litter. The sun shines over it and the reflection creates a shimmering effect.

I was really hyped up to reach that place, as im sure anyone else who were there would have known. The talks about the reward at the end of our steep climbs. About ensuring that we take a photo when we're there. Its the biggest reason why I wanted to return to the island, why I first even desired to organise a kairos outing to ubin long ago. When I reached the peak and looked out myself, the beauty of the place still strikes me.

But it was a little disappointing. Its still beautiful of course, but it wasn't amazingly beautiful. I dont know if its my memory or the season or the sun, but the waters seemed to be of a slightly greener tone. It didnt leave me awestruck. It didnt make me want to stand before it and drink it in. Maybe it was because I had been to europe recently and seen much more amazing things till I got bored of them. Maybe it was because the last time I came, it was not only a physical experience but also an emotional experience, and that beautified that memory. It was different.

It changed. Whether it really did physically or just my emotional connection with it, it changed. I found that the majestic tree was still a large beautiful tree, but not quite enough to be called majestic.

This lagoon will continue to remain precious to me nonetheless. Its a pity that the cameras we brought that day weren't good enough to capture the right shade of colour of the water (looks like two year old cybershot phones are better than iphones uh). In more ways that one, this lagoon is symbolic of my start and end for many things. For one, I opened year 5 with it and closed year 6 with it. More than IB though, it has been an eventful two years in many others ways.

And it got me thinking for the rest of the day. Its the opening of things, perhaps its time for the closing.

---

P.S. On a less pensive note, while searching for shades of turquoise on wikipedia, I found out a shade of it called 'pearl mystic turquoise'. I lol'ed when I saw it and im amused that such a colour exists. Pearl I guess you just found your new favourite colour =p.

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Scheduled post

2011-12-23T01:18:00.001+08:00

Hi, im away in pulau ubin now with Kairos peeps, so I thought I'd have this song up while im away =). Seems like DI has been playing some Jesus Culture songs recently. So far, I think they're alright, I dont love all their songs, but I think some songs are really good, and this is one of them.

Clear similarities in the chorus drawn immediately to Chris Tomlin's I Will Follow, but they have their distinctions. For one, Chris Tomlin's one is more cheery and friendly, the thing I really like about Jesus Culture's one is that its raw power, its the ferocious passion in which the words were sung. Its not simply saying 'I will follow', but its 'I WILL FOLLOW', a declaration, a battle cry even. The bridge has a certain degree of poignancy in it, a reminder of the harsh reality and the decision to stand up against it.

And thats why I love this song. It doesn't have really poetic lyrics, but its impactful indeed.

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Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me

2011-12-21T22:51:00.001+08:00

This camp is a very different experience from the past ones I've been to. For realize, fflc, xfac and inside out, I was always a camper. Though in the last one I was an agl, it wasnt that much different, not having done much as an agl and leaving after two days at that. This time round, I was a gl, shifting the load of leadership largely to me, and at the same time as a member of imagine, I was like a pseudo camp comm member, knowing many of the things that were happening and being present at many places in many times. Add on to that, the large numbers of people coming into kairos for the camp.

It is because of this that I could never really consider myself as a normal camper and hence viewed the camp from a different perspective from most people.

In that sense, it draws parallels with PLC 2011, where I was hardly involved in the events of the camp itself due to the nature of my position in the camp comm. Yet, its still not quite the same because of the different ways in which DI and BB operates. And then there were all those physically and emotionally draining things I talked about. There really hasnt ever been a camp like this one.

As a group leader, I guess this time I did better than last year. Last year I was mostly just the guy hanging around helping out with stuff, much quieter than I could have been. This year I think I was able to be more hyper overall and glue the group together much better. Improving from last year doesnt mean much though because I personally thought last year was pretty bad. This year upon reflection there were a couple of deficiencies that I had overlooked. For one, it just hit me that I did not give out my number throughout the camp so if anyone had gotten lost, they could not contact me. I didnt spend as much time talking to group members on a more personal level (perhaps except when im telling my stories which I seem to have plenty this camp but thats just one sided still). I may have given attention more to some people and less to others. On the whole, I think there are still many things that I am unsatisfied with. I don't know how much influence and impact I had on this group of people, I don't know how, if in any way, I had helped them to move closer to God. Perhaps the fact that it was a group made up almost completely of old timers lessens the 'damage' but that still isn't exactly excusable.

As for the Kairos side, it did go pretty well, but im not too sure how much of a part did I play in it. With the P6s, it was alright I suppose, especially with one of them in my group. Perhaps I could have done more for the rest though. Instead, I spent majority of my time in a zombie like state, hardly noticing what is happening around me.

This whole stay up for three nights thing doesn't work out. The sad thing for me is that, all three nights I stayed up I hardly did anything for the imagine related stuff. They were mostly done by bynes and wanting, but I stayed up in part to keep them company in part to help them whenever they needed it. Staying up for the first night was ok and something I was used to doing so it was fine. Doing it again for the second really drained me for the third day, and staying up completely on the third day made me just completely blank on the last day (at least nothing happened on that day). Emotionally, increasingly I felt nothing, which was good in some ways like when I lost my camera, my thoughts were simply 'oh ok' and it was more of reason that made me want to find it. It was bad in some ways too, making me more unresponsive to things. The tiredness really hit me during the messages too. Walking about doing things was fine, but having to sit still to listen, sleepiness sets in quickly. Unfortunately, I dont think I received anything from the messages on the third and fourth day. Im not sure I even remember it.

There are some things I wanted to do but I never quite got round to doing it. Zombie-like blankness actually sucks up a great deal of time. I know that clear well from the way I spent around 5am to 8am for the last night, I had no idea how that time passed so quickly when all I did was walk around. It also prevents me from thinking, and so even when I tried to do some things, the moment I sat down and attempted to get started, everything was blank. At least for a the things I wanted to write to people, I can still afford to sms them now, and for the things I wanted to give to the tooth fairy and the child I could still do this saturday.

Then there was me being food deprived. It was part intentional, like my refusal to eat supper (ho ho I succeeded) to lose some fats. It was also part incapable, simply because I had no appetite. Lunch and dinner was fine, but I didnt eat breakfast for all three days too. Heck, I slept through the last day's breakfast heh. Hey but good news, usually people get fat when fed so much (the suppers are like there to make everyone fat lah haha), I lost weight and probably gained some muscle from all the activities too.

The things that struck me the hardest have nothing to do with all these physical aspects though. The physical aspects were instead detrimental in preventing me from receiving more than I could have and from giving more that I did. Its interesting, that the most important things that I learnt from this camp have nothing to do with the messages or even the leading of the group.

Some of these are private matters and it is not within my jurisdiction to talk about them, but I guess I may talk about the effects these things had.

I knew I wasn't in the tip top spiritual shape before I went for this camp. Things havnt been going perfectly well and I wasnt sure I was ready to assume the mantle of leadership in this camp. I knew what had to be done though, so just go, and pray that God will be sufficient. He is more than enough. And it worked out pretty fine, that im glad. In camps, we sometimes always think of it leading to spiritual revivals, a rush of that consuming fire from heaven that compels us, but in this case, it was the working out of salvation, the choice to fight the fight of faith, to run the race with perseverance.

Oh how many times have I broken your heart
Still you forgive, if only I ask
Oh how many times have you not heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need, is You
My beginning my forever
Everything I need, is You

And that is what it is really. It doesnt suddenly fill me with a great desire to do God's work, but it simply reaffirms my desire to do so and the decision to press on.

In the course of the camp, I asked myself, I asked God, with the only person who was supposed to be a new member of the group not present, what was to be my role in this camp? Especially since I would think that majority of my group members are already committed impactors who can in a sense take charge of their own spiritual growth, what am I here to do? The answer to that simply was that even existing committed impactors will grow, so my role as one who provides the environment and facilitates that growth remains the same.

Yet one the third day, the truth of that statement struck me hard. I realised the need for it was far beyond what I thought. I was reminded of those who were committed and had fallen away, even leaders. A lone soldier though a patriot, he gets tired and weary and may eventually desert. If anything, I had to ensure that no one fights alone. That the battlefield was not just in reaping the harvest but also in tending the existing crops, and not only the weak crops but the ones that look healthy too. And its not any less important a task.

And suddenly, there seemed to be a great sense of urgency, and I wondered what I could do. Im afraid that what I can do is limited, but something is better than nothing. Like I said, the minimum is to ensure that no one fights alone.

Some spiritual wars are hidden, carefully disguised, and so we need to be watchmen in the night.

Another two related things hit me over a few conversations with a few different people. Sometimes I may have personally gained insights into certain things that would perhaps put me in a better position to know the 'absolute truth', but even if it is a levitated position, it may still not necessary be a position that would allow me to arrive at that truth. Who am I to assume that I know it all? Who am I to attempt to persuade others towards my points of view which may not necessarily be correct? There was an incident which challenged me on whether some of the beliefs which I hold on to fervently are necessarily the absolute truth, and it occurs to me that they are not.

And the second thing, even if I am right, I dont always have to prove it, the priority is that others are understood and loved. Its a simple thing that everyone knows, but perhaps not always put into practice. I was just reading an article that zr asked me to read a long while back and it discussed the issue of Jesus Christ before pilate, and pilate asking him 'what is truth' and Jesus' non response. Does it indicate that absolute truth does not exist? I do not think so. Perhaps it is more of, the absolute truth will not be accepted, must one speak it?

About slightly over a month ago, I accused a friend of mine of being 'unsensitive' (not insensitive, just not sensitive). Later, the friend responded by pointing out certain things that made me wonder if I am the unsensitive one. It is true. More often than not, I am unsensitive towards other people. Its an old habit hard to be rid of because mostly I dont even notice it. Sometimes I'm just always trying to point out what is 'true' or attempt some form of justification that I neglect the feelings of other people.

I dont know how am I going to fix that, but I am going to have to.

And finally, of course there was the case of the lost camera, which was more of an inconvenience and kind of disappointment rather than a big issue by itself. If anything, this incident was beneficial in that it showed me the love of the people of God, when my entire zone abandoned breakfast to search for the camera and some of them I even had to force them back for breakfast before they did so. For that, I am thankful.

So now LOL is over, im not sure, everything passed by like a blur, and it was over so quickly. I dont have any excitement in me, no celebration of it. There are a good many things to thank God for of course, and I know that it did go well on the whole. I thoroughly enjoyed myself in the camp, murder mystery was brilliant (haha never knew DI had such great talent in acting), Yerritign was brilliant, Kairos was brilliant. There are many not so good things too, things that make me sit back and consider. How am I to live this life in such a way that I may live out loud?

This isnt the high energy exploding new fire thing, this is a sombre humble open challenge.

What now?

---

One step each day

2011-12-20T17:13:00.002+08:00

---

Exhausted

2011-12-19T19:36:00.002+08:00

Simply the most physically and emotionally draining camp I have been to in my entire life.

Math port has officially fallen to the second place for things that made me sleep deprived. I thought I wouldn't have such things anymore with IB over but hey, five and a half hours of sleep over three and a half days. Thats a new record. My back felt increasingly sore over the camp until the last night I couldn't really stand up straight. My legs were wobbly, and they still are a little right now.

Emotionally, the stolen camera pales in comparison to some other experiences in this camp. There were calls for paradigm shifts in the way I choose to live my life. In that sense, it is good I suppose. It confronts me with things that I cannot escape from and need to face it right here and now.

These things aren't that important by themselves though, the most important thing is the spiritual state of things and how these have affected it, how it has changed from before the camp and how things will be from here onwards. I can't give a clear answer to that right now. My mind's too unresponsive at the moment and perhaps when I will run through this again after I recover my lost sleep.

On the bright side, I lost 1.5kg.

---

All in

2011-12-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

Maybe im not in my best form. Maybe I havnt quite bounced back up yet. Maybe im not ready for this battle.

The war drums are beating the trumpet has been sounded. Its time to move out.

One thing I know. The battle is not mine, it is the Lord's. It doesnt matter where I am right now, it is not dependent on what I can do. We look to Jehovah Nissi.

---

Introspective ramblings

2011-12-12T01:41:00.002+08:00

Optional read (not that any post hasnt been optional), but its a post about I, me, myself, and frankly thats quite boring to other people sometimes heh. Im just writing to think it through and posting it so if anyone wants to know they can. If anyone wants to comment, by all means.

And yes, sometimes from little things, I start linking them to other ideas and thinking about them. Everything here came from the DOPE test and a game of Citadels.

---

The Shell

I am not who others think I am, but the same is true for most people is it not?

We see this clearly in the johari window. What we perceive of ourselves is different from what others perceive of us. And of course it is. Our thought processes, our emotions, even when we express them to the people around us, how can they even begin to grasp a fraction of what is it that we experience?

The leaders took a DISC equivalent test recently, simply replacing DISC with DOPE (Dove, Owl, Peacock, Eagle), with each bird representing one trait from the DISC test. It so happens that lefa wasnt around, and when his copy was passed to him, I acquired an extra copy and tested myself. I knew I used to be a Peacock-Eagle, but I knew that changed alot in the past few years. I fully expected myself to acquire an Owl-Peacock or Owl-Eagle, and that turned out to be true. I was almost a 50% Owl (and that is quite a big chunk, the other three stats all in the other 50%).

What I found surprising somewhat was, while I was doing the test, a couple of people attempted to guess what I would be. Peacock-Eagle was immediately thrown out. I knew that wasnt true, but somehow that was the general perception (there were differences of course). I said maybe because Owl is a more subtle trait as compared to the more outstanding Peacock and Eagle, but maybe not. It could have been picked up, and some people did.

When you're a 50% Owl, to be thought of as not an Owl is quite a big difference.

Yet at the same time, there were others I couldn't really figure out myself. Some obvious ones of course, but others which were more unexpected. As much as others didn't know me well enough, I didn't know others well enough.

I'll give two examples of two things that people wouldn't know about me. Both occurred to me while I was working on the quiz because they appeared as options. The two are 'oversensitive' and 'vengeful'.

Would I be perceived as any of those? No, I highly doubt so. Perhaps some of my closest friends might recognise the former, and no one would recognise the latter. The reason is simple, because I view them as traits which I stand firmly against and so any form of it that attempts to rise up in me, I suppress them heavily. Emotional stability and love are two things I hold on to dearly, and so I would not allow them to seep into my life.

Yet, the natural inclination is there. The sensitivity whenever someone mentions something and I laugh it off or just smile but something stirs inside (apparently Owls have great poker faces), the rage in desiring to do things to those pickpockets back in Italy which would have been extremely unkind to say the least.

These are but two examples, there are so many more ways in which the image which people see of me is but a facade. An exterior shell which hides the true being within. Do we all not have these shells? Sometimes, these shells are walls put up intentionally, other times, these shells grow naturally in our lives.

And it strikes me that we dont actually know anyone. The person, whom we think we know the most, we know but merely a tiny fraction of his or her entire being.

---

The Dove

The DISC/DOPE test is a work style test, but we cant deny that our work style is inevitably a product of our lifestyle.

There was another thing quickly agreed upon in the guessing of which 'bird' I was. Dove? No way. Out. Definitely not a dove dont even need to consider it. Frankly, that upset me a little, but I cant deny it. I took the test, my dove scored a pathetically low score of 3/40.

There are things that a Dove tends to do which I could never really accept as a personal style of mine. Lack of assertion, lack of planning, lack of efficiency. I wouldn't want to have Dove as my work style. For a lifestyle though, that would be different. There was always something special about the Doves. The Doves have an amazing ability to live out sacrificial love. Perhaps its easy for them precisely because the sacrificial love sometimes does not feel so much sacrificial at all, they derive great joy from it. It tires them out, but they always choose this path, because they know it worth it.

And it is worth it. It just doesnt come naturally to me. For years I have always attempted to push up my Dove trait because I cherish it. In practical actions, I have come to be able to do so much better. It always comes at a cost though, and I find that the effort I spend although fulfilling and joy is derived from it, it drains me. Its always a conscious effort on my part and rarely a subconscious.

Strange as it seems, Doves command the most respect from me out of the four groups.

And it saddens me to know that years later, while the other three traits shift about, the Dove trait remains rock bottom.

Because, if I speak flowery beautiful languages and charm the crowds, drawing attention to myself with social antics, but have not love, I am but a hollow being. If I am able to rise up to challenges, fight with great perseverance, soar to greater heights, but have not love, I am but chasing after meaningless things. If I am able to work on everything with meticulously, leaving no marks, no mistakes, but have not love, I am but an overheated piece of machinery.

Because the valued traits of society, diligence, charisma and perhaps even intelligence, are by themselves completely worthless.

---

The Eagle-Owl Deficiency

I may be an Owl-Peacock, but the Eagle is always present in me, and in some situations, they will come to the forefront.

Perhaps in my nature as an Owl, there are certain types of games I love. Those which complex strategies cam be employed, where psychological mind jacking is in the forefront of the game, where logic is pushed the maximum, where risks are not simply taken but carefully calculated and executed to yield minimum loss and maximum gain.

Welcome to Bridge and Citadels.

The luck of the draw is present in both games, but it is never the deciding factor. You could have a good hand in bridge, but still lose to an opponent's superior play. In Citadels, it is perhaps even more so. A new character every round, careful prediction of everything that is to happen (including what the opponent predicts of you), so much more.

Unfortunately, something instinctively kicks in when I play these games. The Eagle in me sees this as competition. A competition that with my skills as an Owl, I am to be superior. And the Eagle-Owl deficiency emerges. This game, I must win.

And I will be annoyed if I am beaten through a lack of fairness. I will show my triumph if I win despite the circumstances. And I will be unhappy with those who due to what I perceive to be their inability to comprehend the subtleties of the game, make mistakes which cost me.

It is interesting to note, that I dislike playing Bridge in general. Why so one may ask. Not meaning to sound elitist or anything (perhaps I am), but I think the average Bridge player sucks. Majority of the games I play with, I will see someone doing something that he should not have done. A move which shows that the person clearly has not noticed something which I had. Immediately I am put off and do not want to play the game anymore with this 'inferior' person.

Its only a game my dear.

Yet the competitive edge is there. Which is why perhaps I enjoyed the 4.11 days of Bridge. Because I certainly wasn't anywhere near the top there. I was the mark for average, and that meant competent players who would not make intolerable stupid mistakes. When they do, I am not the only one who blasts the one who makes a mistake. The entire table sees the mistake and reacts accordingly.

And its a deficiency, as much as the lack of the Dove trait is a deficiency. Mostly, people just want to play a game to enjoy the time together, but these games are intellectual exercises for me, and going against those who do not stand up to that challenge makes the entire endeavor seem less worthwhile. I should only have the right to have such expectations if I were taking part in a competition, not a friendly game.

I try not to show my unhappiness, because I know I should not be unhappy about it. It does come though, and I have to carefully remind myself what is more important.

---

The Chimera

All these talk about the DOPE test is limited though.

So im an Owl-Peacock with parts of Eagle coming out from time to time. Im an IN(T/F)P according to Myer-Briggs, and a Benevolent Inventor (or something like that) according to personalDNA.

Yet at the same time, I am not. We are all not.

You cannot categorize anybody into anything. I may be an Owl-Peacock, and you may expect me to react a certain way to certain things, but find yourself surprised that I do the opposite. And it may be natural, not forced at all.

We're all chimeras. We're all a beautiful mix of the four birds and many other unmentioned things. We are not 50% Owl but simply part Owl. The part we cannot be defined by the head or body or wings but cells scattered all over the bird, and these are constantly dying and being replaced. At times, we are everything all at once, and at other times, we are nothing at all. On average, one may be 50% Owl, but right now one might be 25% and the next minute 80%. We cannot be defined.

We are formless.

And that is why we must never hold personality tests as the gospel truth. Because we aren't even just shells to other people. We are millions of shells, always shedding and growing new ones, locking out others and often even ourselves. In the johari window, we are mostly in the fourth quadrant, the unknown.

---

The Pheonix

We will continue to change, we are never a constant. Our averages of today will not be the averages of tomorrow. Heraclitus says that a man can never step into a river twice, for it is not the same river and it is not the same man.

We're an ever combusting phoenix, always turning to ashes and always reforming.

---

Home

2011-12-11T01:39:00.000+08:00

More than just a simple roof or a tiny little country.

Perhaps few could understand how and why I am glad to be back here once again.

---

Pretty dull

2011-12-06T04:52:00.000+08:00

People would call me crazy to find Venice a little dull, but what can I say. I've seen so much beauty in the past few days that new forms of it doesnt have such a strong effect on me anymore. I've seen enough beautiful canals, rivers and lakes that venice although different, isnt really outstanding anymore. I enjoy myself in the day, but now back here at night, everything has already faded into a distant memory.

Mostly though, its because physical beauty of the environment is not enough to fill this canister. At the end of the day, im still displaced in a foreign world. A passing visitor who has no real place here.

Im seeing 'home is where the heart is' at multiple places (sat's message perhaps) and although on some levels I wouldnt agree with that, right now it stands true in this current situation.

---

One week

2011-12-03T02:44:00.002+08:00

Wow. Its saturday again already. It seems like I have completely lost track of time while im here. And its starting to drag a little too long. Europe is brilliant I must say, but theres no place like home.

Kind of difficult, that whenever I get this window of internet access, if im lucky its 2am there, if not its probably 5am. Reduced to hearing some backdated stories of halo parties and reading about the end of As and successful operations on facebook, unable to be personally involved in these celebrations.

Just a week and it feels like im missing so much. Frankly I wouldn't mind missing out on everything else yet to come (haribo and florentine steak included), and take a flight back now. But its a silly proposition and I'll remain here for another week. Then I'll be home.

Non-whatsappers! Hows life back there? This includes you bynes, because you havnt been online since 27/11 10:35am.

---

Makes me a little happy when I sing it. It might seem a little ridiculous, but it does, and thats what matters perhaps.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

Oh, this could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know

---

Take flight

2011-11-26T19:35:00.000+08:00

A little strange to stay home on a saturday, clearing up the remnants of whats left for me to do for the camp, playing pokemon, packing my luggage, knowing that peeps are at DI seem to have quite a number of stuff today.

And its pretty sweet to have my own send off team haha =p. Even if it was just phone calls, it is nonetheless something special. Hah, one group still in honour room, another group in clementi, and both times the phone gets passed around from person to person.

I'll do my best to turn up on the saturday I return. Otherwise, three weeks is a long time, and I'd rather not be away from the people I love for too long.

Heh. I could never migrate from this country. Not unless everyone migrates together.

10th December. See you then.

---

Heres a game to entertain you while im away

2011-11-26T13:35:00.000+08:00

http://www.kongregate.com/games/UnknownJoe796/focus#

Warning: Do not attempt to play this if you're bad at platform games. This takes platform gaming to the extreme. Consider this, Kongregate gives an impossible badge if you complete it in both original and insane mode.

WAHHAHAHA I BEAT THE GAME IN ALL THREE MODES =D.

Imo, original is harder than insane. The last level of original (level 32) is mad.

For some strange reason though, they arent recording my completion and im not getting my first impossible badge =(.

---

Oh well

2011-11-24T10:29:00.000+08:00

Its quite a pain to work on something, spending a few hours on it, just to have it deemed not good enough and a complete rework necessary. Its always said in a nice way, like a challenge, and I appreciate that over slamming my work, but reading between the lines, it clearly means that its was a bad piece of work and its time for yet another overhaul.

Not that I think it was good enough myself, but it does feel like a colossal waste of time when complete reworks are done time and time again, and simple samples put together in a few minutes by people who are far superior in the job at hand makes the hours spent in it feel worthless.

Well, whatever. I self taught myself a few tricks which would hopefully be able to be employed in the future if not now.

---

Prom Night 2011

2011-11-23T17:02:00.001+08:00

I went for prom only because I didnt want to go through life without having ever gone to prom, and I got exactly what I asked for.

Well, it was my first for fine dining as well, at least as far as I can remember this was the only time I had six utensils in front of me. I must say, the food was pretty good, but I certainly wouldn't pay half of the 120 bucks for such kind of food. The smoked salmon starter was interesting, the main course chicken was excellent, the dessert chocolate cake was merely average. Portions were pretty small though, and I got hungry again soon enough. As much as its nice though, I think in the long run I'll stick to my wanton noodles. I enjoyed the experience of the food but fine dining simply doesnt suit me.

While most people spend the morning and afternoon before prom preparing, I spent it sleeping in till 1230, cleaning my room and clearing out all my IB stuff (humongous stacks btw), and then going for a run, before cycling over to a friend's house to head over together. People spent post prom at zouk/stjames, or perhaps a bar for some cocktails, I head back to my friend's house for marvel vs capcom 3 and halo 3. And I liked that. It was really to me, a mild occasion.

A question for the girls, do you seriously believe that heavy makeup makes you prettier? Or is some inner beauty and confidence thing. I think the way in which some people completely transform physically is quite a put off, especially when the eyeliners are thick and the jewelry excessively flaunted. Stick to natural, natural is best. Seems like guys have been saying the same thing forever but the girls are still disfiguring themselves. Or perhaps it is some social convention thing, where one feels obliged to put make up, just like how 90% of the guys feel obliged to wear black.

All in all, prom would remain one of those unique experiences that I've tried and not regretted it. It will not go down in memory lane as a night to remember, it didnt make me feel any special, it certainly didnt impact my life in any way, but I it adds to the wellspring of experiences we live through in life that adds a little flavour to our journey.

---

Discipleship and megachurches

2011-11-21T00:45:00.000+08:00

Join us =).

---

Well, I just had a conversation about megachurches on fri, so it was rather interesting for auntie joyce's message today to have a part which did touch on it somewhat. It didnt speak of megachurches directly, but it certainly was something that is apparent in them.

In the second of the three temptations of Jesus in the desert, satan asked Jesus to throw himself off the top of the temple and land safely to show his power. In effect, satan was asking Him to 'wow' the crowd. Jesus however knew what He was called to do and what He wasnt and refused to take such 'shortcuts'.

Unfortunately, in today's society, perhaps that is what is happening to the church. Bring in the elaborate lighting, use smoke machines, rock the crowd. Without a doubt, people will flock in. After all, it feels good (they call it the presence of the Holy Spirit).

Are we wanting to fill the church with crowds that crave entertainment, or humble simple people who desire to live out the destiny of the Church?

By doing so, at the end of the day we are left with people who are weak in their faith. People who can only be Christians as long as they enjoy their party time in Church. Who are fed feel good messages that do not necessarily reflect complete biblical truth.

We are called to make disciples. That word inherently connotes work to do, things to learn, sacrifices to make. Not believers who sway as the wind blows.

I dont say all megachurches are bad, I havnt actually been in one, but I've heard their teachings, some of which are neither biblical nor reasonable. I know of people who flock to megachurches and of people who left them, those who went perhaps went because they wanted what Church could offer them there, those who left perhaps left because they realise it wasnt really much of a Church after all.

I cant remember where I read it, but the Acts Church was powerful in the midst of their persecution. However, its decline actually began with Constantine's rise to power, where he advocated for Christianity in the Roman Empire. It was the first time where the Church and the state became as one, and that in some ways actually caused the Church to regress. It loss what made it radical. With Christianity becoming 'easy' and even the 'norm', it caused the faith to grow cold. Even today, Christianity thrives in persecution, perhaps because the people believed truly in what they lived and fought for. In the comfort of our lives however, we now speak of living our lives with God in the centre but no longer understanding what it truly means.

There are many believers, but too little disciples. Even satan believes that God lives, it a matter of what we do with that belief.

---

Rat a tat tat

2011-11-19T09:23:00.001+08:00

'It's a more certain proposition to follow the Lord, not knowing where you're going, than to think you know where you're going and you're not following the Lord.'
- Jack Hayford

---

Chanwanmushi almost successful, need smaller flame, longer time. Clam chowder noodles was fine but clam chowder tasted more like potato soup oh well.

---

Muhwahwa

2011-11-18T03:31:00.000+08:00

I finished a book in one day. Nice. My previous record one was one day and one morning for the book just before this. I attribute it to my new found freedom wahhahaha.

That aside, something occured to me when I was reading this book today. The entire shannara series is pretty much the same heh:
(a) innocent person(s) called to destiny that they never knew
(b) some imbahax0r monstrosity hunting the said person(s) down, stalks the person throughout the book
(c) imbahax0r monstrosity is very good and finding where the said person is, said person(s) says something along the lines of 'oh my goodness how did he find me its impossible!'
(d) overpowered dude who acts as a guardian to the chosen said person(s)
(e) imbahax0r monstrosity tries to kill said person(s) two times, said person(s) runs away and kills the monstrosity on the third meeting, using some awesome power that is acquired, and most probably cheated
(f) said person(s) was looking for mysterious artifact(s)
(g) some not very important person(s) who is/are rather closer to said person sacrifices and dies
(h) senseless anticlimatic sequence involving the mysterious King of the Silver River intervention, saves someone's butt just when they're about to die
(i) some betrayer somewhere who sells out the rest of the population and probably got counter betrayed by imbahax0r monstrosity eventually
(j) somehow in the madness, exactly one couple will emerge and they live happily ever after

Suddenly makes the series less interesting heh. I still like the way the images are painted though, and the battle sequences, despite the fact that I know when they're coming heh.

Its funny though, this book deviates a little from that convention, precisely when it occurs to me such a convention exists. For one, imbahax0r monstrosity did no stalking this time but was a camper. And there was no happily ever after because half a couple died. For the first time, they killed off a main character who wasn't a guardian. That just made me a little annoyed, especially the anticlimactic way in which it happened.

All in all, I've come to realise that the plot isnt that great when you're on your twenty fifth book in the series. I'd still follow it though, in part because having read part twenty five makes me obliged to read part twenty six and so on, and in part because I still have fun with the imaginations because the battles do change somewhat, even if some parts of it are predictable.

Regardless, at least for the first time I have a favourite quote from the book.

'The Drouj stood up, towering over him. Tall and lean, he was so dark he was almost black. "Who are you?"'.

I AM THE GREAT WOOHEEWOOOHOOOO!!

---

Newfound freedom

2011-11-17T22:29:00.000+08:00

Having plenty of time does not equate to time well spent. Each and every moment is still precious and how you will use them still matters greatly. Like I said, its easy to let these six months rot by without doing much. I wont let that happen, these moments must be spent on things that count for eternity.

---

As much as I agreed with my parents long ago that this holiday should be a longer one because we probably wont ever get the chance to do it again, and that it should be earlier and thats good because it doesnt clash with he camp, it still feels a tad bit too early and too long. There are so many things I still wanna do and frankly, going to exciting places seems to even be in a way cutting into the time I want to spend doing exciting things back there in this country. Im sure when the date draws closer I'll be more excited, and indeed it will be a wonderful holiday, perhaps the best I'll ever have, but right now it feels a little like im leaving many things behind.

A couple of us talked about going overseas to study not too long ago. There does seem to be a good many people who really desire to pursue their further education outside of this country. I cant imagine myself doing that really, as much as I love exploration and seeing new things, I dont think I could allow myself to stray too far and too long away from this home, from these family and friends. No exploration of the world can compare to the further exploration of these beautiful relationships that have been forged here in this land.

I think its just me, but frankly, I cannot really why so many people could.

---

New horizons

2011-11-16T01:29:00.000+08:00

I think it will take some time before this whole post IB thing really sinks in. Yea sure, immediately after econs paper I was doing a little dance on my seat and there were party poppers outside and whatnot, but right now it just feels a little like normal end of years season. I feel a little like I should be studying or im wasting my time hehe.

Well, gonna put the time to good use. Six months can be rotted away easily, and even as I wanna do so many things, I'd like them to not become my focus. More than doing things I wanna do, I wanna live out something special.

---

Ha, sake sushi buffet, 4 hours of arcade, 4 hours of board games. Really a good break after these two years. I finally beat paranoia 190 on hard difficulty on DDR, something which I've been trying to do since secondary 3 heh. And hogging the daytona machines was rather amusing I must say. New characters in shadow hunters, revisting the game bang (im considering buying it, its really a great game).

When was the last time I could really do that? Ah. Good stuff.

---

The most reasonable estimate of my IB score is now 40 points. And im fine with that really, anything that starts with a 4 is nice to have =). Its pretty amusing though, because apparently according to this, thats worth 5 As in A levels heh.

Had a conversation about what it meant to be through with IB and looking at whether perhaps As might have been a better choice. During IB, it was tough and almost unbearable. Looking back, its not much, seems all so distant. If given a second chance to choose, im not sure I would have chosen IB again, but I guess now that its over, I dont regret it either. I have learnt much from it, things I could never have learnt had I gone for the As.

---

There's no silver or gold
And no treasure untold
That could draw me away from Your heart
Neither love of myself
Or of anyone else will do

Jesus nothing compares
To this grace that rescued me
Saviour now and forever
Your face is all I seek

Now all I am
I lay at Your feet
I'm humbled by the wonder of Your majesty
One thing I know
I find all I need
In Your unending love
In Your unending love

Letting go of my pride
I lay down my desires
Just to worship in Spirit and truth
More than all of my dreams
More than fame I will seek You Lord

---

Revelations

2011-11-03T23:23:00.000+08:00

I didnt want to make a new post until after the exams, just continuing to update that same post. That post will continue to be updated as IB goes on, but I'll leave this here, better still that its above it, that it will always remind myself.

These weeks, months even perhaps now that I think about it, I have not been living to the fullest capacity of all that I am meant to be. I raged at some people (when did that come back, I stopped for a long while), I've unfairly placed judgements on other people, sometimes thoughts which I keep to myself while maintaining a friendly front with the very people. I do that not because I am a hypocrite, but because I feel that regardless of it all these people deserve to be loved. Sounds good, except that there should have been no judgement passed in the first place (some of which I have since been confronted with and known to be grossly inaccurate), and the fact that I let myself begin to feel superior over others.

It strikes me that its an old problem I once had coming back to life again. After a long time, I finally managed to somewhat step out of it, and continued to make progress. Somewhere it the midst of this progress however, I started to let it get to my head. Started to think myself superior. Talked about the greatest sin of pride without realising how subtly it has crept into my life.

Not just that. Many things in this life that are not important, I let it become important while verbally announcing its lack of importance. These IB examinations for one. My parents just told me they're fine with 34 points, which is the bare minimum I calculated that is possible for me to get. I dont even need 34 points to go to where I am going. Whats left is nothing but the pride in me declaring that I must better than the average student. Its not about glorifying God or anything. Its about how intelligent I am.

There is alot more, I wont post them here, these are but just snippets. It just strikes me how far I have allowed myself to fall. Its time to change all that. Theres no waiting till after IB or anything, it begins now.

As for the examinations, I will still give my best to it, but no matter what happens, to God be all glory. If I do well, I do well. If I dont, then I dont. Why should I let worldly constructs pull me down, when diplomas are but fading things in the light of eternity.

Ah yes. In the light of eternity. To live a life driven by eternity. How long since I could say that with fullest conviction.

Its alright. Lets make a fresh start from here.

---

Its showtime

2011-10-31T20:48:00.023+08:00

This is the final battle.

---

~~Day 1 - [01/11]~~

~~Round 1: English SL Paper 1~~

~~Difficulty: Slightly Hard~~

Result: Defeated, but may have suffered interior wounds, doctor's report out January

---

~~Day 2 - [02/11]~~

~~Round 2: Mathematics HL Paper 1~~

~~Difficulty: Hard~~

Result: - Battle started fine, suddenly have the illusion that time was running out, began to be afraid, realised the clock was wrong, relaxed and optimistic, had another illusion that time was running out, realised it was another false alarm, things look good, ready to emerge victorious, BAM ITS A BLOODY TRAP. Walked away grievously wounded with differential equation pointing his middle finger at me, mocking my inability to reach the last two parts because I couldnt get past him. Thank you for the most emotional roller coaster ride of an examination paper in my life, thanks for building up such high hopes in me and then proceeding to smash it to bits. Thanks for the added mockery of how it was really so easy. I'm not likely to forget this for the rest of my life. My disdain for math is now renewed.

---

~~Day 3 - [03/11]~~

~~Round 3: Mathematics HL Paper 2~~

~~Difficulty: Hard~~

Results: When I started this post, strangely, I had this idea that its going to be of me going on massive sprees and i'll be posting things like DOMINATING, DOUBLE KILL and whatnot. Unfortunately, there has been a change of plans and now I write these long strings of thought. Its terrible. Its really terrible to know that nothing I prepared for actually came out. I was so pepped for the math papers because I finally understood how to do all those calculus and trigonometry questions I was always weak in, but no, they refuse me in that. After yesterday's fiasco, I was determined to make up for it today, but things did not go as planned. It only makes it worse to have people parading their sl 7s, laughing endlessly about it and even other hl students saying that the papers were easy. I dont have any confidence at all for tomorrow, I dont have any motivation anymore. I feel like im wasting my time because its all useless and I should just stop bothering. Im pressing on only because I know it would be over in slightly under two weeks so I'd might as well, but otherwise I really dont want to care anymore.

---

~~Day 4 - [04/11]~~

~~Round 4: Mathematics HL Paper 3~~

~~Difficulty: Slightly Hard~~

Results: Yea I guess im not cut out for math. 5 points it is. Im really disappointed I guess, but whatever it may be, I lift it up to God. New problem now though. Im feeling feverish and oh goodness I havnt finished studying for my other subjects. Bad timing for a fever, really bad timing.

---

~~Day 8 - [08/11]~~

~~Round 5: English SL Paper 2~~

~~Difficulty: Slightly Hard~~

Results: Ehh, not quite sure. I would think I did okay even though didnt have time to write everything I wanted to but im not sure. English is always like that I never know how well I do for it. Hopefully a 6 overall though, pulled up by my IAs.

---

~~Day 9 - [09/11]~~

~~Round 6: Physics SL Paper 1~~

~~Difficulty: Easy~~

Results: My best paper 1 by far, a potential 30/30 and im actually pretty excited to get this script back just so to see if I really did get that score. Together with the probably near perfect score of my IAs, they make up 40% of my final score and it looks like im getting an easy seven!

~~Round 7: Physics SL Paper 2~~

~~Difficulty: Easy~~

Results: ...Until I mess up here. I cant believe I actually couldnt figure out what was wrong with my absolute uncertainty question (3 marks) and it was like a slap in the face when I eventually realised I multiplied instead of added. Along with some other stuff I genuinely did not know/am not sure whether I did it correctly, I lost quite a fair bit of marks here and I think I probably got below a 7. In an extreme case, a low 6 even. Which is kinda annoying because it offsets my achievements from paper 1 and from the IAs, so I actually need to get a 7 for my paper 3 tomorrow instead of laughing and happily scribbling away.

---

~~Day 10 - [10/11]~~

~~Round 8: Physics SL Paper 3~~

~~Difficulty: Easy~~

Results: Ok, that was a strange paper. I've never seen about half the questions in my life or something. Consensus was that its pretty tough, but I think I probably can still get my seven. I hope. I cant be too sure.

~~Round 9: History HL Paper 1~~

~~Difficulty: Easy~~

Results: Didnt finish the last question but hey, its DBQ. 5 sources? Check. Intro, body, conclusion? Check. Own knowledge? Check. There criteria fulfilled it dont matter if it was a bad essay I still get my marks heh. 1 to 3 all done pretty well so =).

~~Round 10: History HL Paper 2~~

~~Difficulty: Medium~~

Results: Ok. OK. SERIOUSLY NOW. This paper was so good for our school, because we could do 4 questions from each section. I think I wrote one of my best essays ever for the second section but I dont know man. BUT SERIOUSLY. THE FIRST PART. Sigh. Of the four, two were nature questions, and I don't study nature. So im left with two, a tricky one, and my pet topic. I DIDNT SEE MY PET TOPIC OH GOSH THIS IS THE WORST WAY TO LOSE MARKS ZZZ. Im confident of getting about a 15 for my pet topic ITS MY BEST TOPIC IN THE WHOLE HISTORY SYLLABUS FOR GOODNESS SAKE. AND I DIDNT SEE IT. ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. Instead I did some strange question that was pretty tough and I probably only just passed. Sigh terrible indeed. I could have grand slammed paper 1 paper 2 and IA which would have put off a considerable amount of stress that I expect from paper 3 but bleh. Tomorrow's its then.

---

~~Day 11 - [11/11]~~

~~Round 11: History HL Paper 3~~

~~Difficulty: Slightly Hard~~

Results: Hohoho. Im really happy about this one. Didnt manage to own it ttmucma, but it was still quite a slam. If I dont get a 7, im really staring hard at the paper 2 and that stupid mistake I made. Almost a grand slam for history but oh well.

---

~~Day 14 - [14/11]~~

~~Round 12: Economics HL Paper 1~~

~~Difficulty: Medium~~

Results: Math was sad, because I felt like I could do better but the paper just had bad questions for me. Physics was always easy, and I got what I should be getting. History I'm going to do better than I should have for the amount I studied. Econs? Heh whoops. I was trying to make my togepi evolve so I didnt study that much. So I kinda messed up this paper by banking completely on microecons. Strange microecons question came out, was forced to do it. I hope my answer is still decent though but it certainly isnt very good.

~~Round 13: Economics HL Paper 2~~

~~Difficulty: Slightly Hard~~

Results: Ah yes, paper 2, the bane of economics. This year's one tested a number of more obscure things and things that you wonder how to write 10 marks on because there seems so little to write on. But hey, easy concepts if you studied. And thankfully, I studied those. So for the first time in my life, im actually feeling good about SAQ, which has been a disaster since year 5 heh. Well its not over yet though, tomorrow's has a high weight age. Its showtime. Now if only I could stop hyperventilating with the thought of freedom and get to work.

---

~~Day 15 - [15/11]~~

~~Round 14: Economics HL Paper 3~~

~~Difficulty: Slightly Hard~~

Results: Brilliant end to the examinations. Best DRQ in my life. Nuff said.

---

Birth of urban warfare

2011-10-31T19:08:00.000+08:00

Quite an interesting read if you're interested in history nature of warfare. Battle for Stalingrad, World War II, noted as one of the most important turning points of the war.

From wikipedia:

German military doctrine was based on the principle of combined-arms teams and close cooperation between tanks, infantry, engineers, artillery and ground-attack aircraft. To counter this, Soviet commanders adopted the tactic of always keeping the front lines as close to the Germans as physically possible; Chuikov called this "hugging" the Germans. This forced the German infantry to either fight on their own or risk taking casualties from their own supporting fire; it neutralized German close air support and weakened artillery support.

The Soviets understood that, in Stalingrad, the best defense would depend on anchoring their defense lines in numerous buildings overseeing strategically important streets and squares. Such a strategy would hold for as long as possible all the ground the Soviets could take in the city. Thus, they converted multi-floored apartment blocks, factories, warehouses, street corner residences and office buildings into strongholds bristling with machine guns, anti-tank rifles, mortars, mines, barbed wire, snipers and small 5-10 man units of submachine gunners and grenadiers prepared for house-to-house combat.

Bitter fighting raged for every ruin, street, factory, house, basement and staircase. The sewers were the sites of labyrinthine firefights. The Germans, calling this unseen urban warfare Rattenkrieg ("Rat War"), bitterly joked about capturing the kitchen but still fighting for the living room and the bedroom. In such desperate chaos, all battle lines vanished, and the major, armor-supported mobility to which the German soldiers were accustomed degenerated into vicious, fast-paced skirmishes ranging through bombed-out debris of residential neighborhoods, office blocks, basements and apartment high-rises. Some of the taller buildings, blasted into roofless shells by earlier German aerial bombardment, saw floor-by-floor, close-quarters combat, with the Germans and Soviets on alternate levels, firing at each other through holes in the floors.

Fighting on Mamayev Kurgan, a prominent hill above the city, was particularly merciless, and the position changed hands many times. By 12 September, the Soviet 62nd Army had been reduced to 90 tanks, 700 mortars and just 20,000 men.

The 13th Guards Rifle Division, assigned to retake Mamayev Kurgan and Railway Station No. 1 on 13 September suffered particularly heavy losses. Over 30 percent of its soldiers were killed in the first 24 hours, and just 320 out of the original 10,000 survived the entire battle. Both objectives were retaken, but only temporarily. The railway station changed hands 14 times in six hours. By the following evening, the 13th Guards Rifle Division had ceased to exist, but its men had killed approximately an equal number of Germans. Combat raged there for weeks near the giant grain silo. When German soldiers finally took the position, only forty dead Soviet fighters were found, though the Germans had thought there were many more due to the ferocious resistance. The Soviets burned heaps of grain during their retreat.

In another part of the city, a Soviet platoon under the command of Yakov Pavlov turned an apartment building that oversaw a square in the city center into an impenetrable fortress, later called "Pavlov's House". The soldiers surrounded it with minefields, set up machine-gun positions at the windows and breached the walls in the basement for better communications. The soldiers found about ten Soviet civilians hiding in the basement. They were not relieved, and not significantly reinforced, for two months. Well after the battle, Chuikov liked to joke that more Germans died trying to capture Pavlov's House than died capturing Paris. According to Beevor, throughout the second month, after each wave of German assault against the building, the Soviets had to run out and kick down the piles of German corpses in order for the machine and anti-tank gunners in the building to have clear firing lines across the square. The building was labeled Festung ("Fortress") on German maps. Sgt. Pavlov was awarded the Hero of the Soviet Union for his actions.

Soviet marines landing on the west bank of the Volga River.

With no end in sight, the Germans started transferring heavy artillery to the city, including the gigantic 800 mm (31.5 in) railroad gun nicknamed "Dora", but made no attempt to send a force across the Volga, allowing the Soviets to build up a large number of artillery batteries on the east side. This artillery continued to bombard the German positions. German tanks became useless amid heaps of rubble up to eight meters high.

Snipers on both sides used the ruins to inflict heavy casualties. The most famous Soviet sniper in Stalingrad was Vasily Zaytsev with 225 confirmed kills during the battle. Zaytsev was one of a whole corps of snipers and had over thirty students, who were credited with killing over three thousand German soldiers during the war.

For both Stalin and Hitler, Stalingrad became a matter of prestige beyond its strategic significance. The Soviet command moved the Red Army's strategic reserves from the Moscow area to the lower Volga, and transferred aircraft from the entire country to the Stalingrad region.

The strain on both military commanders was immense: Paulus developed an uncontrollable tic in his eye, which eventually afflicted the left side of his face, while Chuikov experienced an outbreak of eczema that required him to have his hands completely bandaged. Troops on both sides faced the constant strain of close-range combat.

After three months of slow advance, the Germans finally reached the river banks, capturing 90% of the ruined city and splitting the remaining Soviet forces into two narrow pockets. Ice floes on the Volga now prevented boats and tugs from supplying the Soviet defenders. Nevertheless, the fighting, especially on the slopes of Mamayev Kurgan and inside the factory area in the northern part of the city, continued as fiercely as ever. The battles for the Red October Steel Factory, the Dzerzhinsky tractor factory and the Barrikady gun factory became world-famous.

From historyofwar:

On August 23, 1942, precisely at 18:00, one thousand airplanes began to drop incendiary bombs on Stalingrad. In that city of 600,000 people, there were many wooden buildings, gas tanks and fuel tanks used for industrial purposes. Stalingrad was heavily hit by air attack; one raid of 600 planes started vast fires and killed 40,000 civilians. By then, the 6th Army was in the Stalingrad suburbs and had taken the bank of the River Don just north of the city, while German tanks from the 14th Panzer Division approaching the Volga in the south. With the 62nd Army not even in the city at that point, the first German attacks were taken by a single division of NKVD and some workers from the city tractor factory. OKW, concerned about the inadequacy of the forces protecting the 6th Army's flanks, advised a withdrawal be undertaken from Stalingrad to consolidate the line and prevent the army being cut off by an enemy breakthrough. Hitler instead transferred units away from the Don sector to the 6th Army and ordered it to capture the city.

When the Germans entered Stalingrad, they saw nothing but ruins, however their advance was frustrated as thousands of micro battles erupted all over the streets of what used to be a city. Resistance was fierce but the German forces eventually managed to occupy a large part of the northern bank by the middle of September, backed by the aircraft of Luftflotte IV. "The Germans obviously thought that the fate of the town had been settled," wrote Vasily Chuikov, the commander of the 62nd Army who had replaced Lopatin on 10 September. "We saw drunken Germans jumping down from their trucks, playing mouth organs, shouting like madmen and dancing on the pavements." They penetrated to within two hundred yards of his command post. Still the Soviets fought on and the Germans continued to meet resistance in the streets of Stalingrad. It broke down to battalion, company and platoon engagements, usually at close quarters. A German general said: "The mile, as a measure of distance, was replaced by the yard ..."

General Chuikov threw in every last reserve he had. By the middle of November the 6th Army had cut through Stalingrad, cutting the 62nd Army in two parts. But that still did not mean the end of it. Shrinking into an ever smaller perimeter, the Red Army was fighting stubbornly. Particularly severe clashes took place over Mamayev Kurgan on Hill 102, which changed hands at least eight times. One house in Stalingrad was defended by a single platoon under Sergeant Pavlov. That house, known as "Pavlov’s house", became a symbol of determination of Soviets to hold the city no matter what. Completely surrounded by Germans, Pavlov’s soldiers were holding the constantly attacked house until the relief came. The battle raged for fifty-nine days. As an illustration of the see-saw nature of the fighting, the diary of 62nd Army, described the intensity of fighting for the Central Station in Stalingrad, which changed hands fifteen times, four times in one day: "0800 Station in enemy hands. 0840 Station recaptured. 0940 Station retaken by enemy. 1040 Enemy ... 600 meters from Army command post … 1320 Station in our hands."

At the Central Station, a battalion of Soviet Guardsmen dug in behind smashed railroad cars and platforms. Bombed and shelled, the survivors moved to a nearby ruin where, tormented by thirst, they fired at drainpipes to see if any water would drip out. During the night, German sappers blew up the wall separating the room holding the Soviets from the German-held part of the building and threw in grenades. An attack cut the battalion in two and the headquarters staff was trapped inside the Univermag department store where the battalion commander was killed in hand-to-hand fighting. The last forty men of the battalion pulled back to a building on the Volga. They set up a heavy machine-gun in the basement and broke down the walls at the top of the building to prepare lumps of stone and wood to hurl at the Germans. They had no water and only a few pounds of scorched grain to eat. A German tank ground forward and a Russian slipped out with the last antitank rifle rounds to deal with it. He was captured by German machine gunners. He persuaded his captors that the Soviets had run out of ammunition, because the Germans moved out of their shelter. The last belt of machine-gun ammunition was fired into them and an hour later they led the anti-tank rifleman on to a heap of ruins and shot him. More German tanks appeared and reduced the building with point-blank fire. At night, six survivors of the battalion freed themselves from the rubble and struggled to the Volga.

The Luftwaffe was making up to 3,000 sorties a day. The Germans had superiority in airpower and artillery. To neutralize it, General Chuikov directed his troops to "hug" the Germans, to remain in a close combat so that German commanders could not use air strikes without endangering their own men. The 62nd Army was practically on its own, the Red Army finding it difficult to help with supplies and replacements. Any that reached the city had to cross the Volga River under German fire. The survivors of those crossings said some days the river was red with the blood. The whole battle was a nightmare for the both sides. The Germans assaulted the Red October factory on 27 September and occupied the northern landing stages on 5 October. Despite a huge Soviet bombardment the Germans managed to take the Tractor Plant on 16 October and parts of the Barricades Gun Plant on the 23 October.

The fighting never stopped. It could slow down at times, and then erupt with new energy at any time of the day. With all the technology and equipment involved, there were close quarters and hand-to-hand fights all over Stalingrad. Soviets practiced night attacks on the isolated German units. They would use knives and bayonets in such fighting. None of the armies of WWII were really trained for, or expected that kind of warfare. Perhaps, that type of fighting suited the fatalistic Soviets better than the Germans. Germans who fought on the Eastern Front often remarked that Soviets found some inspiration in close combat, and in desperate situations fought with some crazy passion. And Stalingrad definitely seemed to be a desperate situation for the Soviets, surrounded and outnumbered in the ruins of what used to be a city.

The intensity of fighting can be gauged from what one German Leutnant wrote: "We have fought during fifteen days for a single house. The front is a corridor between burnt-out rooms; it is the thin ceiling between two floors ... From story to story, faces black with sweat, we bombard each other with grenades in the middle of explosions, clouds of dust and smoke, heaps of mortar, floods of blood, fragments of furniture and human beings ... The street is no longer measured by meters but by corpses ... Stalingrad is no longer a town. By day it is an enormous cloud of burning, blinding smoke; it is a vast furnace lit by the reflection of the flames. And when night arrives, one of those scorching howling bleeding nights, the dogs plunge into the Volga and swim desperately to gain the other bank. The nights of Stalingrad are a terror for them. Animals flee this hell; the hardest stones cannot bear it for long; only men endure."

Coming shortly after Rommel's defeat at El Alamein and the Allies making landings in Algeria and Morocco (Operation Torch) in early November, on 19 November 1942 a Russian counter-offensive began (codednamed Operation Uranus) under the overall command of Marshal Georgii Zhukov. Zhukov had decided to hold Stalingrad with the minimum amount of troops necessary and concentrate his reserves on the weaker Axis forces protecting the 6th Army's flanks, something OKW had foreseen. The Axis forces, chiefly the 3rd and 4th Romanian Armies, surrounding Stalingrad were taken by surprise and could not contain the attack. On 23 November the two wings of the Red Army met. The German 6th Army and elements of the 4th Panzer Army, about 220,000 men, were trapped in a pocket 35 miles wide and 20 miles from north to south. OKW begged Hitler to allow the 6th Army to breakout to the west while the Soviet lines were still not firmly established but Reichsmarschall Hermann Goring boasted he could fly in 500 tons of supplies a day and keep the 6th Army going as an effective fighting force. Hitler seized on this and ordered Paulus to fortify his positions and await a relief. Meanwhile the Soviets struck further south too, and forced the 17th Army and 1st Panzer Army to withdraw and despite trying to cut Army Group A in the Caucasus, appalling weather allowed the Germans to retreat steadily both northwards towards Rostov and westwards back towards the Kerch Straits where 17th Army formed a large bridgehead on the Taman Peninsula. This was gradually pushed back but the vast majority of 17th Army escaped back into the Crimea across the straits.

A valiant relief effort, codenamed Operation Winter Storm, was launched by General Erich von Manstein's Army Group Don on 12 December 1942. The force included the 4th Romanian Army, and the Hoth Group with the 6th, 17th and 23rd Panzer Divisions. It had managed to advance to within thirty miles of the city by 21 December 1942, but faced strong resistance by the 5th Shock and 2nd Guards Armies. Manstein took it upon himself to order Paulus to breakout to the southwest and link up with Army Group Don but Paulus refused to move without a direct order from the Fuhrer and the 6th Army remained trapped around Stalingrad. The Soviets launched Operation Little Saturn on 24 December 1942 to further isolate Stalingrad from the main German forces. On 9 January 1943 the Soviets began to drive on the centre of the city but found that the tables had now been reversed. They would be the ones to attack every house, every building and fight for every room. The Luftwaffe managed to keep the 6th Army supplied (although it was never really enough) until quite close to the end and airlifted over 30,000 troops out of the pocket. Finally, on February 2, Field Marshal von Paulus surrendered, with 23 generals, 2500 other officers and 90,000 soldiers. Only some 6,000 would live to see Germany again.

---

One

2011-10-30T23:43:00.005+08:00

Woefully unprepared, afraid for every single paper because I havnt finished revising anything, and my most confident subject I havnt touched it since prelims. Tension, fear, I never had a major examination since PSLE which I didnt care much for. Procrastinating, tired, little sickly, really doesnt look good. I would expect myself to be alot more prepared for a major exam like this but I guess not.

Its not about me though, its about Christ in me. What do I really want to see from this examinations? I dont need the score. Perhaps its only to please my parents and to make myself feel good. Regardless of motivation, I bring it under Christ, and let Him take control. How well I do, whatever my results, I leave it all in His hands, and to Him be all glory.

---

'Just like last year, maybe you'll pray for me and I'll cry'.

There are things I never got down to doing, things I regret not acting upon. I stepped off and decided it was time to move on and let them carry on what I never brought to completion, but it occurs to me that perhaps its not over yet. Some things, only I can do. What God has entrusted to me, I must not abandon.

'Why are you still here', 'you got alot of free time isit'.

No, I dont. Im horrendously behind time, but it means alot to me. It changed my life, and I hope it could change the lives of others too. Three days I always stood looking, because I know there is power in here, and though I may not have the opportunity to be personally involved in it, I deeply pray and hope for chains to be broken, eyes to be opened, that the glory of Christ may be revealed. In light of the sheer importance of that, IB seems almost like a joke, and funny enough, im not alone in this crazy thought.

There is a battlefield I left behind that I may be called to return to.

---

4 days

2011-10-29T00:12:00.001+08:00

And I still feel woefully unprepared, but yet im yearning to get over and done with this.

---

Theres something in seeing familiar faces once again that I havnt spoken to in a long time, in joining in with live praise and the message in that familiar LT. Except this time we sat distinctly apart, observers rather than participants. It was still nice though. I missed that.

---

There are a good many things I never got round to doing. I always look to them as the ones who will carry on the work that I have left behind. Theres plenty of potential waiting to be tapped, power waiting to be unleashed. The Glory of Christ needs to be revealed, in blazing light for all to see and know that He is God. We lift him up, and He draws all to Him.

---

In the darkness, I couldn't really see everyone's faces, and somehow I processed the information a little too slow, and it didnt occur to me that I just walked past Galatia territory until SLow (no pun intended) commented about me not saying hi to everyone. Its nice to see my coy camp 2010 group members once again, nice to see how they still remember me. We never spoke much after the camp, a little of course, some outings here and there (where I found out that being good at dota is sometimes a very good thing for making friends), but eventually things came to a standstill as the new year began. The little encounter reminds me that though we've crossed path only for awhile, the impact that we have made on each other's lives carries on.

---

Ripples form on the water’s surface

2011-10-27T22:11:00.000+08:00

The wandering soul knows no rest.

---

Push aside, focus

2011-10-26T23:38:00.001+08:00

Bttb.

---

Cookies

2011-10-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

Saw this on fb. Working on the assumption that you are going to get married and you havnt met the person that you are going to get married to, that is an interesting thought isnt.

---

Looking back

2011-10-25T22:41:00.002+08:00

Running through old photos on facebook is always nostalgic.

I don't want to travel time, but I do wish sometimes we could relive moments.

---

Math - BANG!

2011-10-25T00:44:00.000+08:00

Its both hopeful and crushing after doing some paper review to know that I am now capable of getting 7 points for an average difficulty math HL paper but I probably will lose 1 whole point or slightly more due to careless mistakes.

Careless mistakes, haunting me since young. I remember that 98/100 in primary 1 because of careless mistake all too well.

---

Expanding a little

2011-10-23T21:44:00.000+08:00

Listened to some of the more popular songs of some of the more popular rock bands that I never heard their songs before (like the above, nickelback, lifehouse and the calling).

I think the style of keane is cool haha, the piano is the primary instrument =).

---

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete (CANNOT RESIST MAKING SIDDHARTHA REFERENCE HERE)

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

Oh, this could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know

---

Though that doesnt mean I cant make many short posts

2011-10-21T17:32:00.000+08:00

Ah, i'll never say this enough. Year 5s, please read your hsu early. Cramming one year syllabus in two weeks, syllabus which you have hardly touched before, it is rather demanding.

---

I dislike the fact that lit is compulsory. I really do appreciate literature, I intend to use my spare time after IB reading some, but writing essays about it is going to cost me dearly for IB and frankly with it being something you cant really just study for, its quite a huge disadvantage.

---

Moment frozen in time: through the half fogged window, the traffic light turns from red to green and cars move off.

No idea why that moment stood out for me, but it felt like there was beauty in it.

---

I shall refrain from making long posts during this period

2011-10-21T14:50:00.000+08:00

Im quite interested in reading up on modern general history. Its pretty interesting to study China at this point, having finished world war one, world war two and cold war in secondary 4. These western events which seem quite isolated at first because they hardly discuss the other countries have far reaching consequences that in the study of China it becomes apparent, and I think thats pretty cool.

I remember studying cold war in secondary 4 and noting that during the korean war, China and the Soviet Union were united and USA was afraid of the communist bloc, then during around the period of the vietnam war, they were attempting diplomacy with both countries, and both countries hated each other's guts. I never understood how that happened. Now that im studying China, its quite cool how everything comes together and I finally am making sense of the things I never understood two years ago. Its quite cool even to read about how Glasnost and Perestroika were part of the reason that made China soften its stance towards the Soviet Union.

Bttb.

---

It draws closer

2011-10-21T00:11:00.000+08:00

Im pretty confident of finish stuying the syllabus by examination time, but im concerned about my ability to do math and english regardless of having studied the content. At the rate I am, im really afraid of getting 5 and 5 for those two, which really should not be the case. With a 6 in econs, thats 5 points gone already.

Oh dear.

---

Ouch

2011-10-18T19:26:00.000+08:00

So I was in school today, happily walking towards the astroturf benches, walking the familiar path I use to get to the parade ground everyday, walking that same old path I have walked for six years, stepping the same old drain I have been stepping over for the past six years, except that today I stepped into it instead of stepping over it.

Funfact: There are more nerve receptors on the surface of your skin than deeper in, hence skin scratches are more painful then deep cuts.

Ah yes. I fell into the drain, like my whole person, thank goodness I didn't get a sprain, both my legs were in the drain, and I was stunned for awhile, a couple of BB primers juniors were in the SAC staring at me, I smiled, stepped out of the drain, gave them a half embarrassed salute and walked on. Ten steps later, I kinda realised that my left leg had a stinging pain because of all the scratches I have gotten, unlike my right leg which seems pretty woah what the hell.

Ah yes. I have painted my socks red. My blue socks mind you. My shoe has some red splatter designs as well, I wonder if I can still wear those to the IB papers.

So I took a nice walk to the benches, greeting by a wide-eyed wk who later brought me to the matron, where along the way I met JW who told me IB is not worth committing suicide over, heard about wk's bad experience with the matron and hypnosis, met HSL who stared at my foot for about five whole seconds, and it was generally a rather interesting experience.

I hope I dont need stiches. Its funny though, I havnt gotten injured in a long time. Which is cool, we shouldn't live our lives so afraid of pain and injury that we end up not doing anything.

Not that walking into a drain is something in my to do list.

---

Give me your eyes

2011-10-15T23:44:00.000+08:00

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."
- C.S. Lewis

It seems that I have been recently going on a process of challenging what one really understands when they say something haha. Perhaps its only necessary that our Christian faith does not become just a shallow life with empty slogans being thrown about.

We often hear about how we ought to see ourselves/other people the way God sees us/them. We talk about things like outer appearances, and how they don't really matter, and instead focus on the heart. We talk about how God loves each and every single one of us, the lovely, the sinner, and the annoying bugger, and so we too should do the same.

You want to see as Christ sees?

Then know this. 'You don't have a soul, you are a Soul. You have a body.' Same is true for everyone else around you. And if you really want to look at the people around you with spiritual eyes, this is what you must see. Im not saying you can't notice the physical, earthly aspects of people, but it cannot be how you relate to them. Looking beyond is a necessity, it is a priority.

That cute guy/girl? Nothing but a body. Look into the soul, what do you see there?

That annoying prick who always bothers you and you can't wait to shrug him/her off? Nothing but a physical manifestation. Hows his/her soul doing? (Asher should totally see this post).

Because, when you look into the soul, what you see is a clash between the dominion of darkness and the dominion of light. Its spiritual warfare, the fight for salvation, the fight for Christ, the fight for Life. And if you look around you, every single person is a soul caught in this battlefield.

How will you treat these people, knowing that you carry with you the powers of both light and darkness? What are your thoughts towards them?

For the cute guy/girl, if all you've ever thought of them was that superficial focus on their physical being, start to see the reality of this struggle within. The annoying prick can be annoying as hell, except you probably wouldn't say that if you really knew hell.

If you want to see people as Christ sees them, then realise it is more than just being lovey dovey, more than just chilling with good Christian friends and calling it fellowship, more than just helping them with little tasks and calling it loving as Christ loved us. You need to go straight to the spirit, straight to the soul.

Dominion of darkness and dominion of light. Who is your father?

---

Formless

2011-10-14T09:36:00.004+08:00

Saw this on facebook, and I thought, that is only true because we make it that way. Theres no irony in it, but instead a very simple human problem of taking others for granted. It is a choice, we can change it if we truly desire to do so.

---

I woke up at 7am, and watched 3 episodes of big bang theory, facebooked, twittered, watched random youtube videos.

The library needs to open earlier. Alternatively, im finding my nearest 24 hours macs.

----

I speak only of personality here, I do not suppose you can apply these ideas on everything in life, it really doesn't work for some things.

An idea I've been toying around with recently, especially with school having just ended. Often, we behave in a certain manner, then we then put labels on ourselves, defining ourselves as like this or like that. Some of these labels are more more subtle, where you may not even speak of it but its an idea that floats in your head, and they are left unchallenged.

Take for example, some of us may have the label 'strange' or 'awkward' floating in our heads. And its precisely because you have these labels in your head, that you do become strange and awkward. It develops as a vicious cycle, where the labels make you act in a certain way, and the more you act like that, the more you perceive yourself as that, and it spirals downwards.

But take one step back, consider the irrationality of this, and make a great leap forward. It is not a matter of what you cannot do, it is a matter of what you think you cannot do.

You dont have to be whatever labels that are put in your head. Breaking these barriers seem impossible, until you smash the first one, then you realise that it isn't that hard at all. And smashing barriers becomes something rather exciting, challenging yourself time after time to scale new heights, to expand further.

Suddenly you'll find yourself free, unrestricted by these labels that hold you back, and you can be whoever you want to be. You lose the natural self, there is no 'default' you, once you realise the fact that the personality you have is without boundaries, then you can be anything and everything all at once. And thats a great thing, because you become highly adaptable in all situations, not because you are putting up a false front or anything, but simply because it is a part of you.

Like the dance of the waves on the sea, you become formless.

---

Passing through

2011-10-14T00:01:00.000+08:00

Most of us are really aiming high scores. Take a sample and you'll hear that perhaps 50% of the students are going for 43 and above and 95% want 40 and above. But based on past year statistics, we know this isnt likely to happen. We can hope to be yet another astounding batch, breaking new records, but I wouldnt count on it. So the truth of the matter is that most of us aren't actually going to hit our targets. Most of us aren't going to get the sevens we think we'll get. Most of us are going to get our ridiculously high scores and be very disapppointed with them indeed.

Indeed, the 30s sound horrifying, but if the mean was 41 last year, it means that half the people scored 40 and below. Expect that. Accept that. I might be one of them. You reading this might be one of them. We wont know. We cant be assured. Scores can change so suddenly.

I'll push for that 40 without bonuses on my right bar, but I wont count on it. I'll definitely aim to get at least 40 overall, and I honestly believe I can, but I must be prepared (at least by 6 jan) for otherwise.

---

School's out. Seems like every other person is talking about how we've all finally come to the end of the journey, talking about acpride, 2/6/9/12 years in ac, and ending their post with 'the best is yet to be'.

I might make a post sometime too. But when I do, it will be different. I will certainly talk about things I will miss, the memorable times i've had, but I wont speak of cliches I dont believe in.

---

Apparently I am 'an intelligent young man who will find great success in life if [I am] more driven and determined'. Its on my report book as the very last remark given by either JW or LGY.

Well, its something that sounds like it could come from either of them. JW thinks I havnt been putting in enough effort for math (I have) and LGY thinks I havnt been putting in enough effort for hist (I have not).

From their perspective, I can see why this is so, but I disagree with them. I am driven, just not in my academics. There are things that I am passionate about and getting good grades is not one of them. I do not believe in doing exceptionally well, and I do not believe in finding that so called 'great success' in life.

The measure of how well my life is spent is not determined by the successes born out of sky high points and salaries.

---

Yay I found my charger =)

2011-10-13T13:53:00.001+08:00

Actual IB unseen poem. May 11 I think.

WIFE HITS MOOSE

By Thomas Lux

Sometime around dusk moose lifts

his heavy, primordial jaw, dripping, from pondwater

and, without psychic struggle,

decides the day, for him, is done: time

to go somewhere else. Meanwhile, wife

drives one of those roads that cut straight north,

a highway dividing the forests

not yet fat enough for the paper companies.

This time of year full dark falls

about eight o'clock -- pineforest and blacktop

blend. Moose reaches road, fails

to look both ways, steps

deliberately, ponderously . . . Wife

hits moose, hard,

at slight angle (brakes slammed, car

spinning) and moose rolls over hood, antlers --

as if diamond-tipped -- scratch windshield, car

damaged: rib of moose imprint

on fender, hoof shatters headlight.

Annoyed moose lands on feet and walks away.

Wife is shaken, unhurt, amazed.

-- Does moose believe in a Supreme Intelligence?

Speaker does not know.

-- Does wife believe in a Supreme Intelligence?

Speaker assumes as much: spiritual intimacies

being between the spirit and the human.

Does speaker believe in a Supreme Intelligence?

Yes. Thank You.

So...how do you do a commentary on this?

---

Update:

I read up more on Thomas Lux, and I must say, I am now very interested in reading his poems, or rather the poems from his latest book 'God Particles'. From what I gather, hes not Christian but there certainly are a heck load of religious themes in his books. Neutral ones, they're neither 'for' or 'against' it.

Heres a review:

God Particles displays the distinctive originality and unpredictability that prompted the Washington Post Book World to name Lux one of this generation’s most gifted poets. A satiric edge, tempered by profound compassion, cuts through many of the poems in Lux’s book. While themes of intolerance, inhumanity, loss, and a deep sense of mortality mark these poems, a lighthearted grace instills even the somberest moments with unexpected sweetness. In the title poem Lux writes, “there’s no reason for God to feel guilt / I think He was downhearted, weary, too weary / to be angry anymore . . . / He wanted each of us, / and all the things we touch . . . / to have a tiny piece of Him / though we are unqualified, / of even the crumb of a crumb.” Dark, humorous, and strikingly imaginative, this is Lux’s most compassionate work to date.

- http://www.decaturbookfestival.com/2010/authors/detail.php?id=123

More detailed reviews:
http://www.cerisepress.com/01/01/life-on-a-piecemeal-planet-god-particles-by-thomas-lux/2
http://www.amazon.com/God-Particles-Poems-Thomas-Lux/dp/0618931821/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
http://articles.latimes.com/2008/mar/14/entertainment/et-book14

Anddd, after a mega long time, finally managed to find a link to the poem 'God Particles'.
http://books.google.com.sg/books?id=Ao-dnzm1ZfkC&pg=PT41&lpg=PT41&dq=God+explodes,+supernovas,+and+down+upon+the+whole+planet+a+tender+rain+of+him+falls+on+every+cow,+ladle,+leaf,+human,+ax+handle,+swing+set&source=bl&ots=ld2w-6t4Xa&sig=-y4ts56A3EQiHl5PyEinYhRzU-M&hl=en&ei=ZaGWTuagII-JrAe0urCNBA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=9&ved=0CEwQ6AEwCA#v=onepage&q=God%20explodes%2C%20supernovas%2C%20and%20down%20upon%20the%20whole%20planet%20a%20tender%20rain%20of%20him%20falls%20on%20every%20cow%2C%20ladle%2C%20leaf%2C%20human%2C%20ax%20handle%2C%20swing%20set&f=true

---

It was a nice day

2011-10-12T22:14:00.000+08:00

Gah, I lost my laptop charger. This is a terribly huge setback considering almost everything I need is in my laptop and its currently out of battery.

IF YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS, PLEASE CALL ME (even at 3am). IT IS VERY IMPORTANT. THANKS.

Sigh. Big sigh.

Please please please let me find it.

---

Meh

2011-10-10T23:12:00.002+08:00

Not only should I study out more, I should come back late. My efficiency from 8pm to 12mn everyday is near zero.

---

I do

2011-10-10T00:59:00.000+08:00

So take my life
All that I have to give
Take my world
Just inhabit all of it
Take my dreams
Make me assuredly Yours

Again I ask, do you know what you're singing? Truly, your life, your world, your dreams?

---

Petals

2011-10-09T21:45:00.002+08:00

---

Do you know what you're singing?

2011-10-06T23:04:00.001+08:00

There are many definitions to the word 'just'. From dictionary.com:

— adv

8. used with forms of have to indicate an action performed in the very recent past: I have just closed the door

9. at this very instant: he's just coming in to land

10. no more than; merely; only: just an ordinary car

11. exactly; precisely: that's just what I mean

12. by a small margin; barely: he just got there in time

13. (intensifier): it's just wonderful to see you

14. informal indeed; with a vengeance: isn't it just

Amongst others

Whats yours? What do you mean when you say 'I just want You'?

---

I think we're on a decline

2011-10-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

Lei Feng actually lived. The Learn From Lei Feng Campaign which Mao initiated in China actually had its roots in something real, although the communist party twisted it and turned it into a propaganda machine filled with untruths.

On the other hand, Hatsune Miku IS NOT ALIVE, SHES NOT EVEN REAL, WHY ARE THERE HUGE CROWDS OF PEOPLE GOING TO HER CONCERTS AND GOING WILD!?!?!?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hatsune_Miku

I mean, fine if you like the singing, go ahead and listen to it, but attending a concert with hologram is just, I dont even know what to say.

Oh dear. Singapore concert on Nov 11. What is happening to this world.

---

How far will you go?

2011-10-06T10:20:00.000+08:00

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers".
- 1 John 3:16

We dont necessarily need OBSM here, but there are rather strong implications to this verse if one were to look at it carefully.

'By this we know love'
This suggests that love is seen in whatever is coming after it. The phrasing of this sense seems to suggest to me that its not just love, as the world may banter the word about, but a specific kind of love. Agape love, the truest, purest, highest form of love.

'that he laid down his life for us'
Clearly then, this tells us that agape love is most clearly seen in Jesus Christ upon the cross. No need for me to explain in detail, the love of God seen in the crucifixion is a fundamental concept.

'and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers'
And here is the whammy. Just like how Christ laid down his life for us, we are called to lay down our lives for our brothers (or sisters). Just like how Christ did it. How did Christ do it?

He died for the sinners. He died for those who hated him. He died for those who forsook him. Upon that cross, He was alone. One of his closest disciples denied him. The rest fled. He laid down his very life for them all. Not just instant death, but a slow, painful, torturous death.

Few days back I posted, how far will you go to seek the betterment of others at the expense of yourself?

As followers of Christ, are we not called to this?

We are only human. In our fallen sinful nature, we have the tendency to seek first our own good. Yet as we come into the Kingdom, we are called to seek first His righteousness. Abandon the self seeking nature of Man in pursuit for greater things.

But we arent perfect yet. So I'd admit that more often than not, the first thing that comes to my mind is 'how convenient will it be for me', 'how will it benefit me', 'how can this be done to my advantage'. When im conscious of it, I do my best to ensure that I do not let selfish personal desires take precedence, but I do not always succeed, nor am I always conscious of it.

Yet, if we are truly to be identified with Christ, we need to learn what it really means to 'deny ourselves, take up the cross and follow Jesus'. Its a huge thing, we throw it around as one of the basic truths of Christianity, but it is also perhaps glossed over as simply letting Christ be our focus. Its more than that. We often only think of the last part calling us to follow Jesus, without fully understanding its implications, and what exactly does denying ourselves and taking up the cross constitute.

How far will you go for your brothers?

How far will you go for Christ?

---

The Faraway Sun

2011-10-04T23:08:00.001+08:00

That was a photo I took, and one of the photos im proudest of. Just an ordinary 3.2mp camera with no special effects, wonder how it would look like it the hands of a pro.

After watching Hokkaido on channel 8, I really feel like going there again. I really enjoyed my trip there then, with my first experience in snow, hot springs and whatnot. It is an immensly beautiful place. Channel 8 however shows hokkaido in the summer, and its really a totally different experience, beautiful in its own unique way. The concept of visiting the different train stations is really an interesting experience, something that cannot be done during winter. Also, in the winter, the entire place is a one white blanket. In the summer however, flowers bloom all around. It looks amazing on television and I cant even begin to imagine how much more so it would be to see them in person.

But no, not yet. One day. Hopefully.

---

Focus

2011-10-04T18:50:00.002+08:00

---

But You are always with us

2011-10-03T17:51:00.000+08:00

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace.
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, prosperity.
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

All the while, You hear each spoken need.
Your love is too way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear.
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love.
As if every promise from Your word is not enough.

All, the while, You hear each desperate plea.
And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win;
We know that pain reminds this heart, that this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life;
Is a revealing of greater thirst that a world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights;
Are Your mercies in disguise?

---

Something to chew upon

2011-10-01T21:54:00.001+08:00

The Limits of Empathy - The New York Times Opinion Page - David Brooks

We are surrounded by people trying to make the world a better place. Peace activists bring enemies together so they can get to know one another and feel each other’s pain. School leaders try to attract a diverse set of students so each can understand what it’s like to walk in the others’ shoes. Religious and community groups try to cultivate empathy.

The intellectual, cultural and scientific findings that land on the columnist’s desk nearly every day.

As Steven Pinker writes in his mind-altering new book, “The Better Angels of Our Nature,” we are living in the middle of an “empathy craze.” There are shelfloads of books about it: “The Age of Empathy,” “The Empathy Gap,” “The Empathic Civilization,” “Teaching Empathy.” There’s even a brain theory that we have mirror neurons in our heads that enable us to feel what’s in other people’s heads and that these neurons lead to sympathetic care and moral action.

There’s a lot of truth to all this. We do have mirror neurons in our heads. People who are empathetic are more sensitive to the perspectives and sufferings of others. They are more likely to make compassionate moral judgments.

The problem comes when we try to turn feeling into action. Empathy makes you more aware of other people’s suffering, but it’s not clear it actually motivates you to take moral action or prevents you from taking immoral action.

In the early days of the Holocaust, Nazi prison guards sometimes wept as they mowed down Jewish women and children, but they still did it. Subjects in the famous Milgram experiments felt anguish as they appeared to administer electric shocks to other research subjects, but they pressed on because some guy in a lab coat told them to.

Empathy orients you toward moral action, but it doesn’t seem to help much when that action comes at a personal cost. You may feel a pang for the homeless guy on the other side of the street, but the odds are that you are not going to cross the street to give him a dollar.

There have been piles of studies investigating the link between empathy and moral action. Different scholars come to different conclusions, but, in a recent paper, Jesse Prinz, a philosopher at City University of New York, summarized the research this way: “These studies suggest that empathy is not a major player when it comes to moral motivation. Its contribution is negligible in children, modest in adults, and nonexistent when costs are significant.” Other scholars have called empathy a “fragile flower,” easily crushed by self-concern.

Some influences, which we think of as trivial, are much stronger — such as a temporary burst of positive emotion. In one experiment in the 1970s, researchers planted a dime in a phone booth. Eighty-seven percent of the people who found the dime offered to help a person who dropped some papers nearby, compared with only 4 percent who didn’t find a dime. Empathy doesn’t produce anything like this kind of effect.

Moreover, Prinz argues, empathy often leads people astray. It influences people to care more about cute victims than ugly victims. It leads to nepotism. It subverts justice; juries give lighter sentences to defendants that show sadness. It leads us to react to shocking incidents, like a hurricane, but not longstanding conditions, like global hunger or preventable diseases.

Nobody is against empathy. Nonetheless, it’s insufficient. These days empathy has become a shortcut. It has become a way to experience delicious moral emotions without confronting the weaknesses in our nature that prevent us from actually acting upon them. It has become a way to experience the illusion of moral progress without having to do the nasty work of making moral judgments. In a culture that is inarticulate about moral categories and touchy about giving offense, teaching empathy is a safe way for schools and other institutions to seem virtuous without risking controversy or hurting anybody’s feelings.

People who actually perform pro-social action don’t only feel for those who are suffering, they feel compelled to act by a sense of duty. Their lives are structured by sacred codes.

Think of anybody you admire. They probably have some talent for fellow-feeling, but it is overshadowed by their sense of obligation to some religious, military, social or philosophic code. They would feel a sense of shame or guilt if they didn’t live up to the code. The code tells them when they deserve public admiration or dishonor. The code helps them evaluate other people’s feelings, not just share them. The code tells them that an adulterer or a drug dealer may feel ecstatic, but the proper response is still contempt.

The code isn’t just a set of rules. It’s a source of identity. It’s pursued with joy. It arouses the strongest emotions and attachments. Empathy is a sideshow. If you want to make the world a better place, help people debate, understand, reform, revere and enact their codes. Accept that codes conflict.

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Break my heart for what breaks Yours

2011-09-30T18:13:00.001+08:00

My first reaction was that of 21 guns. Then I thought deeper about it, wondered about its necessity, and stumbled upon one of life's toughest questions. Not the problem of pain mind you, but the problem of love. The problem of self sacrificial love, as mirrored by Christ who freely gave His life, laid it down for the undeserving, for those who spurned him.

Just how far are we willing to go in this sacrificial love, especially when it becomes anything but pleasant. You know how sometimes when you willingly sacrifice for someone else, you do feel good about it. What if the sacrifice demands something so precious to you that it can never feel good. Jesus Christ sacrificed his very life on that cross. That didnt feel good. He prayed 'if it may be possible, let this cup pass from me'. Yet He also prayed, 'yet not my will but Yours be done'. As the ones who mirror Christ, are we too called to this?

And perhaps at least, a dilemma that Jesus didnt face in this situation. He knew fully that it was the will of the Father. He completely understood its necessity. But sometimes in life, we don't know the future, we don't know the implications of our actions, we don't know whether our sacrifices will be 'worth it'. Will it really bring an increase in overall utility (or happiness) to the world? Or will it only cut into ourselves and have it be fallen and wasted.

Would you still do it?

How far will you go to seek the betterment of others at the expense of yourself?

What if you weren't sure if it would all be in vain?

P.S. On a more amusing note, while im talking about 21 guns, everyone is talking about wake me up when september ends heh.

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