Originally I had alot to say.
But right now, I just feel so dead. Theres nothing to talk about.
My life is just one big irony.
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Hahaz. I guess im glad I didnt curse and swear and say everything I wanted to say.
Life still sucks right now. I kinda dread a math tmr but it really doesnt matter anymore.
So for non ACSians in case you all dont know, essentially today was every ACSian year 4 ip's worse nightmare. Mass fail for physics and a math paper 1.
But it really had double effect on me. Because those are the two very subjects I was counting on. I recall a conversation with Brandon few days back.
"Eh what are you going to get 7 points for".
"Physics and a math".
So you see. I kinda pinned all my hopes on it. I went to the exam hall ready to take down the paper and leave with my 7 points. But things were not to be.
It was really just terrible.
You know, I woke up this morning with an interrupted dream. It was a nice dream. I was actually rather sad when I found out it was just a dream. That doesnt happen to me alot.
Going to school, some things happen that just make me think 'oh gosh this is going to be a baddd day' but I was ironically comforted by the fact that I was going to 'own' the 2 papers coming up.
So imagine that dread that came to pass when I screwed up the very first question in the paper. Either I got a careless mistake somewhere or the answer is damn weird. 2nd question was easy.
Then I left 3, 4 and 5 blank. There are 12 questions in the paper.
Really, by the time I started on 6, I had half my mind to just stop doing. I couldnt continue. But I forced myself to anyway. And it didnt get better. It got worse.
When I finished the paper, I wanted to just tear up the paper, toss it in the bin and walk away. I also noted that for the first time in a long while I swore openly in the presence of people.
And I swear I hate sitting beside Gabriel in the exam hall.
Physics was no better of course.
And by the end of it all the sense of dread I had from the very beginning of the day had amplified and suddenly, it wasnt just about the exams. It was about life. Everything was crashing down for some time already. Today, I just stood there and realised that irony after irony, I had lost control over my life.
Family.
Friends.
Work.
Personal.
Nothing was right anymore.
And I realised that I, the person who tells others to 'cheer up' and to 'press on', is dying.
And I realised that I, the person who tries to be there for others in times of need has no one around me.
And on a more personal level theres much more.
And for the first time in my life I really understood what the man in the story meant when he said 'I have nothing else but God'.
There was nothing I could do anymore. Everything was out of my hands. All I could do is to stare blankly into space and just, trust God. There wasnt really an alternative. It was trust God, or lose all hope and be better off dead.
Right now, im not seeing the works of God yet, but seeing its the only thing I have left, im gonna trust God that the time will come. Soon.
Few minutes before this blog post started a battle just erupted again. Somewhere along the way, it just didnt seem to care anymore. Yet I know if theres anything else, this is perhaps the one thing that is most subtle and no one knows about, but its probably the one thats the base of all my issues now. Its kinda like, a catalyst. How do I explain. Oh nvm.
Im just going to look forward to pool tmr. Im gonna have to look forward to anything that I can look forward to.
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Its so hard to smile.