Sigh

Another wasted day. Ppl who I need to clarify things with and discuss things with dont come online. So, nothing accomplished.

Dota with pubs was just a heck load of annoyance today without a single proper game. Cant I test out my OD build in peace -.-. Though from what I can tell so far it would work well.

And the annoyance of the NYAA skill (or rather the lack of it) is bugging me. By rights I ought to start in November so I can end before the June holis in 2011 but thats not happening at this rate.

Bahhh. Staying at home feeling annoyed isnt the best way to spend the holidays.

And I feel kinda intimidated by what is to come actually. In particular one event, three things intimidate me about that. Two of them I feel that when the time comes I'll overcome. The last one, gah, in other people's position they would be so happy (or not), but in my position im going 'oh no' in my head.

Its the kind of thing that you want it to happen but you know it isnt good for you. And because you dont want it since you know it isnt good but you are pulled towards it, its kinda torturous. Theres this part inside me that screams 'whoooooooo' and makes me smile and all that and then theres the part in me that recognizes the downside that comes with it.

Sigh, and btw HX if you read this blog, the interrogation doesnt help. Im like, trying to push it out of my mind, trying not to care but im constantly being reminded. Admittedly I amuse myself in the ways I answer the questions and in the actual moments of the interrogation I actually can laugh, but the after effects kinda makes your mood go down. Same for you Bynes though you dont 'interrogate'. Im sorry if I appear rude my mind is just so screwed up.

Someone should invent an off button to certain thoughts and emotions.

I wonder how many people are there out there like that. Im sure theres quite alot. Im proud of myself in being able to achieve the kind of control I have outwardly and just be normal, that while some people just cease to function I can operate as per normal. But on these days where its just me at home and no one else, inwardly its there.

Even right now, theres this really annoying feeling within me. Like, my insides are getting massaged by some full body massage chair. Ok bad description. I have no idea how to describe it.

Somehow, one of the reasons why I actually told some people was because I decided to take the advice that bottling up is horrible, but so far, if im expecting a release just because of that its not working.

Gah, this isnt thinky this is emo.

Haha, I remember a quote from Ender in Exile (yea new Ender series book) that really fits what I want to say but im not putting it here for the whole world to know what im talking about.

Alright emo post shall not end emo. I do feel stupid to be emo over such a pathetic thing. Makes me feel pathetic.

So. I shall CHEER and CELEBRATE the fact that im not going to be ROTTING at home the next few days whooo!! Dinner and movie with 6jk peeps tmr, Prayer meeting on thurs, DI bowling tournament with Ben, Mark and David (heh I bring imba bowlers kay) on saturday, possibly IGS stuffs taking up alot of days and yea.

So its time to start going out!

And laugh and cheer and smile =).

Ok forget it I cant pretend to end this happily im not in the mood now, the previous sentence was so fake.

Well at least I know emo only robs happiness not joy.