As X-Factor even draws near, somewhere along the way, I feel liked I failed.Nah, dont worry about it im not like gonna dwell on 'being a failure' coz I dont do that. But it does suck.
I am reminded of that weird show where the guy was like 'I could have saved 10 more people'. The holocaust thingo that I cant rmb where I saw it but I think it was in school at the scene where the guy was saying how he could have done more. Thats like how I feel. Because in all honestly, I didnt do much.
Because ever since X-Fac was announced, it seemed so distant that I didnt care about it. I only started to take note of in like within the past month. And even then, I didnt do much. Though it is true that there isnt much that I could have done, still, it feels like I didnt put in enough effort into this whole thing.
And now, just a couple of days away, here I am, with nothing.
There is, still, that small glimmer of hope right there, but if I were to be absolutely honest, I cannot bring myself to muster up that faith to claim that. I could, but right now, it doesnt seem like its going to happen.
I know that God can make the impossible possible, that if I were to have that mountain moving faith, it can be done. I know what faith can do. But the problem is, right now I cant muster it up.
Times like this I wish I were more young and innocent. A childlike faith. But in this world, its kinda hard isnt it? Probably why so many people reject the Christian faith. Because in this world, everything is rooted in reality, what we can see, what we can touch, what we can feel.
Many times, supernatural things happen, and we really get on fire, but afterwards when we look back in the incident, we still do say 'yea God showed up' but theres this tiny bit within us that says 'or maybe you were just lucky'. Sure the odds are impossible and it happens too often for things like that to really be coincidental, but our minds would seem to rather want to believe in astronomical odds than the supernatural.
But I digress. Now as X-Fac draws near, I just get this feeling that I didnt do enough, that I could have done more, perhaps enough to make a difference.
Now, I just feel like im going empty handed.
I know everything that has been said to me. About how God looks at the heart, about rewards in heaven, about how even if it happens it doesnt matter just help out the rest and all that. I know, I know. Whatever Si Er or Andy or Weejin or whoever else said, I know. But it doesnt change that fact that I do feel lousy.
In that sense, I feel like I failed God. Although I know even as I said that God would prolly be laughing with me and saying 'hey chillax man its alright dont be so hard on yourself'. But thats how I feel.
Maybe after I post this some people will come over with a bunch of encouragement but really, in advance, I'll say I probably heard it already.
So its alright dont worry bout me im fine. Im just thinking.
Sometimes, I look at my own life, and then I look at some of the leaders, I wonder, how little of myself am I giving. But it really seems hard to give more to the Lord. It gets weary, it gets tiring. Today, reading Paul's letters, I realised how little of ourselves are we giving compared to these first christians.
I dont want this life to come to mean nothing. I have a purpose driven life to live. But somewhere along the way, it feels a little like a chore. As much as I enjoy something, after awhile, persevering on gets tiring.
Still, obviously im not giving up. I made my choice, I will follow through.
Jehovah Nissi, the Lord is my banner.