Haha I dont believe myself. I've really been writing essays. Oh well I just wrote like a 1.5k word essay about how I felt on a certain topic. Not gonna put it up here its quite personal but yea.

Very weird title im taking for this post, especially looking at my tone, but my mind is quite screwed up right now to function properly.

Its Christmas. I thank God for his presence. But today was really such a, complex day. Its filled with laughter, filled with pain, filled with reasons to celebrate, filled with reasons to grieve.

I thank God for such a great time we had this morning and early afternoon, the faith, hope, and love, the fruit of the spirit, the giving, the joyous occasion. I thank God for the day where we could gather and celebrate the birth of Christ. Its was a wonderful time, the event was awesome and the music was really great. The cards exchanged, the smiles, the partying. The lunch was quite good too, and we had some new friends and old friends coming and all. After that we had some fun time spent in the honour room, where the band jammed away, where we could be free to worship and sing 'Freedom Is Here' and 'Nothing Is Impossible'. Impromptu worship. I like.

But on this same day, we hear of news of people departing to be with the Lord, we hear of news of people getting hospitalized. In the midst of a joyous occasion, we receive these troubling news. And I myself have issues to tackle with.

So I find myself in this position, I dont know whether to sing or to mourn. I dont know whether to say thank you God for this wonderful day, or to say God, you come and bring restoration.

I suppose I could do both, but its hard.

And I wonder, sometimes God surely knows whats better for us, surely God knows that he has a better plan for us than what we envision sometimes, and I have seen it so often that at the end of the day after some time when people look back, when I look back, we see the hand of God through it all. But during the actual moment, sometimes, its really hard to say 'God, I trust in you'.

We spoke against the rain twice during the camp and God answered our prayers. It rained every single day before the camp and after the camp, but I didnt rain during the camp at all. And more of course. But during prayer meeting, I realised that God didnt stop the rain. In fact, the rain stopped when we gathered, and then when we went off for our individual prayer walks, the rain began, and when we gathered again it stopped again. The opposite. For this, I could see how God worked and I could see how Si Er was right about it. Things like these where the prayers were unanswered but we saw why almost immediately when the reason appeared to us.

But there are times, where we would only ever find out why God chose to do a certain thing much further down later. And that is tough. Especially when its something that means alot to us.

God, we prayed for healing didnt we?

I may not know the person, I dont even know how old is she, whether shes beyond 100 or below 10 (or more likely in between), but we prayed for her regardless didnt we?

Everyone must return home to the Lord someday, but sometimes, its hard to accept that. Even though we know that we will see them again, its still hard at times.

Its tough stuff, it didnt happen to me, it doesnt affect me directly, but it does give me something to think about.

God, I know you are sovereign Lord. I know ultimately that I can believe in your nature, that you are a good God and you love us, and I know Romans 8:28. And there are parts in my life even now, that I hang on to Romans 8:28 alone. Those that I can't do anything about, but I want to trust God to bring me through. But sometimes, im afraid, what if it doesnt happen. What if God has a better plan for us and though its really an awesome plan, only 10 years down the road will I ever figure out? I know that God ultimately knows whats best for me, but I dont, and caught in a situation that would make me go through something that seems bad, would I be able to stay strong?

God, I want to say that I trust in you. Through all circumstances. That my faith in on solid rock. Help me to hold on to you no matter what happens. Things might not be too bad right now in my life, but perhaps soon or in the future, if things ever go bad, teach me to just press on. To walk with you to the very end.

You are, my anchor, my shelter, my haven.

Mmm. My tone changed through the post to reflect my true mood I'm in haha. Im just really, thinking. Of quite a number of things.

To whoever else may be affected by the storms of life, I know of at least one particular friend right now whos really hit hard, and I know there are many others who are struggling as well, may the peace of the Lord be with you.

And to the family of the departed, though I know you won't see this, but this is for you. And to the departed, for I know you are in a better place, this are my last regards to you. A song that I just found out about and posted recently (posted yesterday to be exact), but not really applicable until today.

Rest in peace.

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing theres a greater day
Theres a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
Im believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name