I was rather stressed out, tired. After the span of holidays where I had too much time and could really just easily give my time to God, suddenly I have so many things to do and I felt choked.Dance, imagine, nyaa all take up so much of my time and I feel like I barely have time to do anything. And the fact that lessons havnt even offically started kinda makes me afraid of what is to come. Wk already warned how big scale this residential project is gonna be and just how much its gonna drain us and I feel like I really cant go through with it, but I have to.
I fell responsible for the outcome of everything. Yes, in a way I am, but in this case, responsibility to the extent that it comes to a point where I feel hard to find joy in what I do, but I force myself to do it, and everything became like a chore.
And with everything around me seeming to be an endless heap, in some situations beyond my control, I start to become impatient, easily provoked, uncaring.
But I wonder, how do some people even busier than me not feel like that? And today, a small comment that probably meant nothing kinda snapped at me and made me realise something. Talking abit about my concerns to a friend, it just occured to me that I cant go on like this. So I took some time off, just to lie down quietly by myself and pen (or in this case type in my handphone) some of my thoughts, organise them a little. So pretty much everything you see above is an expansion and slight editing of what I typed at around 5.
So I took some time to consider what I really want, and that I typed down as well. Prayer meeting started at 6 and again, thank God. So I added on to the stuff I typed out on the bus trip home and thus this post was born.
And so really, Im just gonna say 'I lay it all at your feet, I cast my cares unto you'. If I cant do the stuff joyfully, I might as well not go through it. Stress is a result of worry and is it not true that in the word of God we are told not to worry? God is in control.
I still have no idea how im going to survive now and the two years ahead, but I trust in God, and I do not want to be choked. So often the things that pull us away from God are such legitimate reasons, but I need to know whats more important, what to focus on. The call of a disciple, to deny myself, take up the cross and follow. It takes sacrifice, it takes commitment, admittedly two areas in my life which im not exactly good in.
But I have to do it. It was just last week that the song 'Refuse To Be Denied' really touched me and it seems that less than a week later it has slipped out of my mind. I thank God for his reminder. Though we're tired and weary, press on, refuse to be denied of God's presence.
I want to be completely set apart for God, and I know even as I say it, im not going to instantly become the person with the wildfire inside his heart, but its not impossible, and it is my prayer that God will help me as I keep striving on till the day I can truly say that my heartbeat echoes God's.
I know for sure that this is the route to take, my heart desires for it too, but I realise, thats not enough. That hope, wish, want is not enough. Together, I hope we can together pray that our desires will turn into desperation, not desperation as the world sees it of course, but that hunger for God. There is no later or tomorrow, only now and continually evermore.
So take me I pray. Less of me, more of You.