I do have a type of social awkwardness

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/here-i-is-hiding.jpgFor the more open kind of person I am, I do face this issue.

Even as I write this post, I feel like im making an excuse for myself. Hence I shall not state the reason why I write this post because honestly I dont think anyone else will think of it and think of how it did affect me that moment but yes.

From young, I never dared to talk to strangers. This included the shop owners. I didnt buy lunch by myself or go downstairs to get something because I didnt dare to. And this issue actually lasted really long, to the extent that even in my early secondary school days sometimes I still dont dare to do it (though I mostly could).

To be perfectly honest, even nowadays if you were to ask me to stop and ask a random stranger on the street something, unless I absolutely have to, I wouldnt.

Because of one thing. I cannot take unfamiliar territory. If I am at ease at a place, I can be more free. But if im not at ease, then I just, cannot do it.

Take for example personal issues. I think I mentioned this before, but I could easily tell you that I have a mom, a dad, a bro and stuff, I could tell you their names, how close we are and all, but if you were to really go into the specifics, I just, cannot let people in.

So most, almost all, people don't really know me. Because they don't know the personal things about me. And again, like I said before, the closest thing people can get to knowing me is like, reading my blog.

I thought about it, and I think perhaps one of the reasons why I can express myself better in the blog is the ability to think through it, backspace, change my sentences and all. Because I am a horrible impromptu person. When I do a skit, I write a script even if its a simple 30 seconds scene.

Impromptu throws me into an unfamiliar territory. When im suddenly called to do something when I dont expect to, I just, zone out. And when I perhaps in my own opinion (though not necessary in other's opinion) kinda failed at whatever I did, it makes me feel bad.

I know I dont have to feel bad. I know the truth of the situation. I know that God sees my heart. But it sucks. Sometimes, it just threatens to clog up my mind.

So yes. Seemingly innocent things, seemingly nothing happened but things do affect me.

And haha. I received a call from Si Er just now (which was pretty o.o because I dont think I ever did but it was partially caused I finally returned the book to him) and I dunno, I feel bad when people are trying to talk to me and I can only like 'uhh...yea...ok'. Its not that I dont want to talk to people. I just, dont know what to say. An example of an impromptu situation once again.

Honestly that reminded me to post this post. If not I would have forgotten about it.

Did you know last year in NP when I have to call the juniors up, I wrote like, a script? Haha wth man.

So I dont know. Its an issue I need to resolve. I cant zone out like this if I ever need to be called upon, especially if its gonna be something that matters as it will be in the future.

Eh -.-. I think it might be obvious what im saying. Nevermind you reading this, just know that im not trying to make excuses im just saying what comes from my heart. If you dont know then dont bother =D.