Like so.I think i'll split it into 3 sections. Worship, the new year, and connecting with others.
Ok that picture is REALLY inappropriate for all the things im going to talk about lol.
Be warned, I wrote another 2k+ words essay xD.
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So on the bus back with YM we were talking abit about stuff relating to music (yea I think most of us know that YM's dream is to be a musician. YM!! I BELIEVE IN YOUR DREAM!!). So I'll talk abit about one part of what we were talking about then.
I dont know about all of you out there but for me, I tend to think of worship as like, prayers that are musical.
Like say, nothing is impossible, something that we spam all so often, beyond the hype, beyond the cool sounding stuff, I think the most important thing ultimately lies in the lyrics of the song, and what it means to you. And for me, when I sing 'through you, I can do anything', its more than just singing it, but its kinda like declaring it out.
And listening. Sometimes I dont sing I just like to be quiet while all those around me sing, or perhaps when im listening to my mp3, and during those times its like, the music is a 'prayer' and im in agreement with it. Essentially the amen.
Perhaps the reason why majority of the songs I listen to are Christian songs. Because though songs like say uhh 'Viva La Vida' sounds cool and nice, they are songs that dont have meaning to me. It doesnt have a personal touch, and these songs I will listen to alot then forget about it after all. But it is the songs that really capture my heart, songs that really make me agree with them that I continually listen to.
An example of a non Christian song I listen to that resounds with my heart would be like 'Little Wonders'. Its really a wonderful and meaningful song and I love it.
Back to worship songs, so for me, I feel that the most important part of singing a worship song is that your heart must agree with it. Its more than words, more than melody. Some people say that some songs are overplayed and I agree. 'I See Grace' and 'Overcome' are overplayed alright and this may have the tendency to make it lose its meaning and all. But nevertheless I still lift my hands when they are played because I still agree with them. Its not so much of a 'I dont feel in the mood so I wont' kind of thing. I do it anyway because its kinda like an 'amen' on my side.
So yup. This is my take on this issue. Imo, sing the worship songs only if you mean every word you sing in your heart. And I do =).
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Next section! Haha so weird lol.
Im not really a new year's resolution person so im not gonna write any. Im just gonna say some stuff that I actually intend to carry out, and they arent far fetched things haha.
And its not so much of it being the new year pe se. Its more of this coming school reopening haha.
I think, in this new year, I'll spend less time playing on the comp. I've already been cutting down during the holidays. Automatic I guess. So I think its a good habit that I want to continue on. Less dota, less whatever. Still have la but not so much.
Because honestly, while dota is good fun and all, nothing wrong with it, somewhere along the way, you realise that there are more important things that need to be done.
For one, I'll talk to people more. Due to some recent events and stuff, I really realise that I need to communicate more with people. I realise that reading blogs and facebook isnt enough to catch up with people. There are many people in my life whom I really care about but I dont talk to them like, at all, on msn or sms or whatever. Phone call duh no la I have never ever called someone on the phone to chit chat since primary school I think. Yea im liddat lol.
So, I dunno, I gotta consciously make the effort to talk more to people I guess. My msn convos are usually nil lol. When people do talk to me, or I talk to people, usually its kinda shallow or random or ends very quickly. I think these friendships ive established mean alot more than just that.
Haha, I'm kinda, incapable of showing love. Or concern. I'll talk abit more about that later in the third section. So ya. Dont be too surprised if you start receiving convos from me although I think I would prolly need to make some effort to carry it out myself. I remember there was a time last year that I did that. Middle of the year. Then mid years or something came along so I did less of that and eventually I stopped altogether even after the exams were over. Need to start again haha. Its important, so I wanna do it, even
Along with the less comp, it prolly means im gonna study more as well. Year 5 isnt gonna be an easy year so I have to make the effort to do constant revision (which I never do lol). I hope even as I say it now I would actually carry it out but yea.
Im thinking that i'll prolly stay in school after school to do stuff. Home is distracting. I have a bed and a comp lol. And a bro who has nothing to study so whenever hes home its dota all the way. That means I'll reach home later everyday.
Yups, thassit for the new year. Just some stuff that I hope to be able to carry out cause, well, they're good things haha.
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Mmm. When it comes to evangelism. I have two main issues.
First one is commitment to invest. Inviting is easy, like ask, and for me I have the patience to ask, check again, plan and all that. But investing. Thats different. Investing in prayers too but for now im talking more about the actual thing. Like I said above I need to talk more to people. Yea this is one of the reasons. I mean seriously, how do you intend to invite someone whom you dont talk to at all?
So yea. Thats something I need to work on more. But I talked about that before in that faith and deeds post. This other issue I have is about include.
Because honestly, I prolly said this a few times before but I'll say it again, as much as I can talk about alot of things on my blog posts, as much as I can talk alot of nonsense when im with friends, there are two things I just seem incapable of doing and I'll address them both. The first one is talking about more serious stuff face to face and the other is talking to people I dont know.
I'll talk about the latter first. When new friends come to DI, honestly, my mind goes 'ok, new friend there, do something'. So I would like force my legs to move or something and go over there, introduce myself, stone, walk off.
And sometimes Andy would be like 'eh new friends leh dont leave them there' and im like in my head 'yesssss I realised...' but I dunno, I just dont know what to say. Feels very awkward.
I talked about this abit to Weiyang today and yea, sometimes I just feel like, I really want to reach out to these people and include but I dont know how to go about doing it and I dont want to mess it up, like go there, say hi, stone, boring, do nothing, walk off. I cant randomly burst into conversation with people unless im close to them to a certain degree. If you know me, sometimes if you sit next to me in the bus I dont say anything I just go quiet and listen to my mp3 and stare out of the window. Its not because I dont want to talk to you. Its because I dont know what to say.
I look at people like, say, hx. She can really be free around new friends and stuff. I dunno. I cant seem to do that. I know I ought to do something but I cant do it. For me, I can talk alot, but only around people that im closer to. Even if we know each other but not that well, I dont know what to say either. WY tells me that from looking at the way I bond with some people like YM and Youfu, I am 'can one'. But really, I find that among all those people I can talk to, its because I kinda like form a sort of bond, a connection with them that we have a 'our thing'. Like YM's forever trying to give me a bear hug. Its that kind of thing. Even now after Zhao Wei Zhi have come for DI a few times as well as X-Factor where we were like same group same tribe, I still find it hard to talk to them, and sometimes im afraid that my not talking to them appears that im pushing them out of my social circle or at least, not being welcoming.
I also realise that I bond better with people who talk more, are more lively and stuff. New friends definitely arent seeing as they are thrown into a foreign environment. And conversations, unless I'm quite close to the person, I find it hard to talk about stuff unless the other person leads the conversation. Which is perhaps why my communication on msn is fail. I kinda get sick of asking 'what you doing' and stuff like that just because I have no idea what to say. And sometimes I wonder, when I keep asking questions about the other person if im just being probing and annoying.
So yea. Need help with that. The other thing would be my inability to talking about more serious stuff face to face. For example, all these blog posts you see, like this one right here. You would like, never hear me say it to you face to face. Because I cant seem to do it. Especially regarding personal matters or anything that has an emotional significance to me, I cant talk about it in person. Msn is better and blog even better.
Quick. You reading this. Take a memory scan back. When was the last time I ever talked to you face to face about anything like that. Never right? Yea. Thats a problem. Even during cell time, I dont share about stuff. Any thoughts about the message? Oh no nothing. How was your week? Fine. Well I'll tell you about the events that happened but not what I think about them. Anything to share? Nope. Prayer requests? Dont have la.
Its like that. As much as im supposed to be extroverted, in many ways, there are many things that I have a tendency to keep to myself. A private person I guess. Honestly, I dare say that many of you reading this dont know me. Because all you see is the me when im outside, having fun and all. I mean, just look at the contrast between my blog posts and how I carry myself outside. Perhaps someone who reads my blog would imagine me to be a more reflective quiet person but yea.
Regarding others as well. Sometimes there are things about others that I want to ask about, but I dont know how to go about doing it. Say, a friend whom I know is feeling terrible because something has happened. I dont know how to broach the subject, and at the end of the day usually I dont say anything at all, like as if I didnt even know. I want to say something. I want to be an encouragement. But I cant seem to do it properly. People that need comfort I cant seem to be there for them because I dont know how to. That 'just be there with them' doesnt really apply you know.
So, I dont know. I really cant go on like this its not good. And so I said earlier, I feel that im incapable of showing love, showing concern, even when I am. Sucks you know, when you know that a friend out there really needs people to be there for them but you're here and you dont know what to do. So I pray. But honestly, you pray pray pray pray pray, but God wants you to be his hands and his feet. So how?
Another thing that people who observe me would know would be when I go silent and just watch the conversation. Im perfectly fine with being in the background but its not a good idea to be in a the background at certain times. Ever taken mrt with me? Note how sometimes Im just standing there and listening? Yea. Ever seen me camping solo in the honour room, prolly up the chairs? Yea. These are the times where I feel disinterested and separated so I dont join in whatever stuffs. Its not that I dont want to talk to people, its not that I dont want to join in, but I dont know what to do if I do. So yea.
Funny. If you struggle with problems like say anger management, you can consciously try to quell it But what about this kind of things?
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So yup thats it. My thoughts about a couple of things, kinda random I realised haha. 3rd section's the longest haha.
Anyway, I'm gonna be away at Ubin for camping trip from Monday to Fri. Rawr must chiong the video finish tmr haha.
Yups. Anything to comment about any of the above anyone? Very much appreciated to share your thoughts haha. By cbox, by msn convo, whatever. Anything is helpful I guess =). Wanna see what you all think. Write me an essay also can ^^.