For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.The people who hang around with me enough know. In my walk with Christ, there are five particular aspects of me that I find extremely hard to change despite my desire to do so. Two of those isnt exactly a 'problem' but it is a limitation. The other three are things that I really need to be rid of in this journey of becoming more like Christ.
First. Pride.
I'll say it bluntly. Its not a rare thought in my head when I look around to see the faces of those around me that I think that they arent worthy of me. That sounds like some siao guy but its true. I find the world not worthy of me sometimes. I dont really like the hang around 'stupid' people. Its a sad truth. It stems from a trait in me which is that of setting high standards and expectations. In the things that I value, I achieve them because its innate in me to do it, but I expect the same for everyone else and those who don't 'fail'. Take for example efficiency. I strongly dislike it when people gather and waste time doing things instead of focusing when its not break time. I have been known to take 'authority' when such cases rises and my authority is honestly, dictatorship.
Second. Intolerance.
What happens when people do not meet my high expectations and 'fail' me? Well it depends. If im not really that close to you, I shut you out of my life. Thats saddening isnt it? Why am I so quiet in class for the past 2 years? Because I felt that I didnt want to associate myself with the rest. Im sorry 4.11 but its true. 4.11 isnt really a terrible bunch of people but its just the differing views in life.
If im rather close to you, then I get disappointed, perhaps angry that you, someone that I choose to allow in my life, have 'failed' me. Haha Bynes and Eugene would know. Because you are someone I value, I will not remain annoyed by you but it doesnt change the fact that for 15 mins you might get some extremely crude and slicing remarks from me. Oh trust me I can stab people with words. Terrible me.
Third. Apathy.
Love one another. That is a difficult command. But some people can do it. I try to, but its hard. Sometimes I find it hard to bother about others. You've got alot of work and you're whining about it? Im sorry I dont care. You cant do that because you had something else? Your problem.
Ironically, I always valued 'love' and 'compassion' and I do appreciate people who exhibit such qualities. Its just that, I find it very hard to do it myself. Many a times I really want to be able to share with others through life. So catch me when im free and yea all's fine. Catch me when im doing work and you're nothing more than an annoyance. Expecting me to go the extra mile for you? Sad to say I think the number of times I've actually done it in my life is probably a single digit number.
Of course im not always like that. Thank God or I would be Hitler or something. But at the peak, these are things I will exhibit. For example, when im stressed out, these three things become really evident. Often I pray that God will change my heart and help me to be rid of these which are honestly in my own opinion, disgusting traits. But I do also realise that much of this is going to require effort on my own part though God will help me and guide me.
So I thank God, for times of stressing out where it really allowed me to be more aware of these negative things in my life that I have still not culled. I thank God for showing me these things that I really need to work on and change.
The inspiration of this post came about from recent event that really built up, one by one, till I came to a point where I realised that this just plain sucks. Envisioning that Kairos will grow and multiply, it means that soon enough I will be taking up a more important role in the zone. And those arent things I want to have hanging around when the time comes.
Today, was the first time I had my volunteer service thing for NYAA. Well its 'volunteer' but its really just to get my CAS and NYAA because I, sigh sorry, dont really care about those kids.
Simply put, I was highly irritated at that place. Kids who dont listen, dont do their stuff, who can't solve simple questions, who get distracted so easily and all. I tutored NH P6 kids before but here we're talking about a different league. That kid who bullied Weiren during the NH thing is comparatively an angel.
Its really not their fault I suppose, but it doesnt change the fact that I carry such an attitude towards them. During the course of the time spent there, I felt like it was a complete waste of my time and I was so happy when it ended early and couldnt wait to get the heck out of there and go for prayer meeting (oh which reminds me, I cant make it for slot 1 on alternate wednesdays coz of this service thing).
But while waiting for the bus and talking with CW and Brandon as well as during the course of the bus trip (a looongggg one) and then walking to WCRC, I took time to reflect on my own attitudes and behavior.
Brandon says that if I cant enjoy it, I should look for something else to do instead of doing the work here without joy. And thats true. Theres no point working for something if I cant enjoy doing it.
But I cant remember exactly when it came to me either, I think it was during prayer meeting sorry I have bad memory, but I was just reminded of these stuff that I have posted above. About the things that hinder me from truly living a Christlike life. And I start to wonder perhaps if this, was the opportunity, the help that God is giving to me to train myself and rid myself of these things that set me back and pursue the things he called me to do.
To serve. When I serve, there cant be pride. Service is all about humility. Its extremely hard to make yourself serve people who you feel arent worthy. So in the course of this service, I will have to learn to rid myself of that notion. To reject pride and embrace humility.
When handling these kids who are like, hyperactive, perhaps a little rebellious (there is a good streak in them though), one needs patience. Intolerance will never get me far in this area. In the course of this, I will have to slowly learn to be more patient and understanding towards others.
And of course, how can you take care of these kids if you do not love them? If you do not have a heart of compassion for them? Its easy to be apathetic towards others when you're distant from them but here I am, thrown into this situation, like it or not, im gonna stick through with it for quite some time. And perhaps through this, I may learn to develop a heart of compassion for others.
Not to of course forget the two other issues I have. Commitment and communication. Well its obvious to see how commitment issues will be addressed by this. Communication skills well, I think its quite obvious too.
So, with regards to this service thing that I have, I think I want to take up this challenge. It may not be easy for someone like me, but its precisely because I want less of me and more of Christ that I suppose I want to take it on.
I cant say im totally looking forward to the following wednesday, I cant scream 'YEA LETS DO IT WHOOHOOO' now because its just not me.
But what I can do is believe that in time to come, I will be doing just that.
So praise God.