To say this week was a tough week would be an understatement.It was another one of those psychological battles. There was plenty of work sure, all that stuff, but the things that hit me the hardest are not the actual events itself but the meaning behind it all.
Maybe a day by day analysis will help to understand the combination of events that caused the problems.
Also, I'll discuss some of the things I took away this week. Every difficult situation or circumstance in your life is an opportunity to learn something really important.
Sat to Mon was POC. Two things hit me here. The first one was the night games which im not kidding when I say it was traumatizing. Really enjoyable for people who like such stuffs but im the guy who never touched a horror movie or book since I was scarred for life by the night of the living dummy 3 when I was I think before pri sch. The second one was missing DI night. Originally it was still fine, but after people keep telling me its awesome and stuff and during that time it was night games, it really made me wonder what am I doing instead of being at DI night.
But to blame POC for starting it would be a lie because POC definitely had a great deal more benefits than issues. I learnt quite alot during POC and I must say it was great. Also, there was a great deal of time spent in worship so though I missed out on DI night and sunday service, everything else made up for it.
Where the issue really began was after POC. It was minor at first, the realisation that I had enough work to make me not really enjoy my holidays. It wasnt overwhelming in the sense like I had to work non stop that kind but it meant that I couldnt really just 'take a chill' since it was the holidays.
That alone would be fine, I understand that im a student and not just a average student in Singapore I need to remind myself that im supposed to be in a top school, with everything comes a price attached to it and being in a prestigious school and program means I have to put in effort.
But afterwards I realised the rest of my days were taken away as well. I didnt even know at first then suddenly I was told that I had to travel down to BB HQ on tues. The issue I had with it was that it would take me such a long time to travel down and back again for a one hour briefing. The fact that it turned out to be non compulsory later wasnt such an issue to me as the initial thing was.
Adding on the the trip to BB HQ was having to go down to Beyond social services on wednesday. That one really started it all because I just came back from camp, got news about having to go down to HQ which though I wasnt very happy I agreed, then after I came back from HQ on tuesday, I was told that I had to go down to Beyond Social Services to help out. Sure it was weekly but I had the impression that the holidays we didnt have to go down cause thats what we told them.
The problem with the Beyond one is that unlike the BB HQ, Beyond was NOT compulsory in that sense. That might seem like an easy way out for some but it was a problem for me because if it were compulsory, I knew I would have to go down anyway so I would, but because it wasnt, it was a struggle for me to do what I SHOULD do and what I WANT to do.
It wasnt an easy decision for me ultimately but I went for it because if theres anything I want to see in my life, I want to learn to cultivate a heart of compassion, self sacrifice, be willing to serve others. Its something I prize highly and I respect people who do it alot. I dont regret going down thats for sure, but on that day itself, things werent so. Haha you can see where it all began, just look at my blog post then.
At the end of the post titled 'sacrifice' I said a few words.
"Theres a tugging feeling in my heart, and in some ways, a sense of disappointment in myself.
Coupled with the secret desire that if only, my eyes were closed and I knew nothing."
This were words that rang to me regarding this paticular issue. The notice that a few hours later, there was another post. The first part sounded like a continuation from the previous post. But there is an extra second part. In between that time, something happened. I wont elaborate for reasons that I know but yes. It hit me there. And the words I wrote a few hours ago regarding a seperate issue seemed so applicable as well.
Now, skip SCL post, wednesday after coming back from service and prayer meeting. Tired. The issue that bugged me the previous night came back stronger. That was the main issue, add that to the weariness of work and the other factors previously that would not have hit me hard enough alone, the psychological attack hit its peak.
Heh. Meaningless, everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Also, you know how when something in life hits you hard and you're already down, theres a tendency for you to think about stuff that make you go down further? Yea.
So that was life. I remember waking up on Thursday thinking 'oh no, its another day'. Thursday was My Marchie Madness which I honestly initially wanted to skip the whole thing and just stay at home but decided that would be stupid. Posted the second 'meaningless' post before I went out. It was alright that day I guess, Munchkin was fun, but throughout that time I had the sense of disappointment in life.
Its very interesting then, that on Friday morning when I woke up (not in the best of moods but not terrible) I received this facebook message from Dr Yong who apparently visited my blog (hi Sir if you're reading =D). He said he read my POC post, so I went to read my POC post again, and I was just rereading the part I wrote about worship and I was reminded of God's presence again. In all the battles of life that we may fight, no matter how challenging, God is our victory.
Words alone of course didnt mean much. But I decided that feeling overwhelmed wasnt the solution either. So even though things still werent right, I decided that right there and then, I was gonna have the victorious mindset.
"TODAY IS THE DAY, THAT YOU HAVE MADE, AND I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!!"
Went to search the Impactors Anthem afterwards and it was a great reminder. Fri was the day that I still wasnt in peak form but I was bouncing back up.
Went for Primers on Sat, the unofficial training thing. There, Mr Loke (Oliver Loke, I think when I say 'Mr Loke' it refers to the BB officer while if I said 'Loke' then its the other one) talked about Ezekiel 33. Which was very interesting especially for me. Again shant elaborate.
Sat afternoon was DI and I remember having cheered up significantly by then. So yea. Then stuff pulled me down again, but only for awhile and I got back up.
Oh and I did something that I felt was very weird for me on Sat. I would totally have expected my feelings to pull me in one direction but unexpectedly it did the opposite way. But that is a random note unrelated to the ups and downs of this week. I also took the liberty to observe one person's behavior in particular.
Today's sunday. Its the last day of the holidays. As I sit here, there are still uncertainties in life. There are still so many questions that I have. In particular, that one issue since tues night still hits me.
But im holding on. Holding on to the Rock of ages.
And anchored to the unmovable, I know I will not falter. I can look forward and know that greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done.
So sigh, school's reopening, but rejoice, for God is always with us.