I dont like to make these 'sadder' posts, especially after a more uplifting one, but truth is truth.
I realise, that I havnt really had a break from work for at least 2 weeks now.
I know I played dota yesterday and today, but to be honest, I dont want my life to be nothing but work, I need leisure and stuffs. I cant spend every single moment I have at home doing work.
To be honest, im quite worried, because I find that I might not actually have the capabilities to handle this program.
Some people dont need sleep, I do. Some people can do their work really fast, I cant. Some people have good memory, I dont.
People are getting math and physics concepts faster than me.
Economics has so much memory work, something that I didnt expect from a humanities subject, that I find myself struggling, not because I dont get it, but because I keep losing marks for not putting in things I need to put in or using proper definitions.
Most people dont understand how bad I really am at English. Its, really really bad. I dont know how to make one believe me.
And I feel that history isnt going so well for a few reasons as well.
You see, the only subject im actually more confident of is, ironically, chinese.
And I find that, I cant handle this pace that the IB program is throwing at me. I dont know why. Im supposed to have more time. I only have one CCA. But even when I focus and do my work, people can score better than me with less time taken.
And sometimes like this, I feel like im not good enough for this program. Its for people who are more elite than I am.
This, endless stream of work is killing me. I am really not prepared for this. Its not that I have a backlog of work, it is that it never finishes, I can never clear it.
I feels like, the only way that I can finish my work is to shut out everything else, my leisure time and all that, to do my work.
But other than the fact that discipline is hard, I really dont want to do it. I find doing work over and over again meaningless. There needs to be a balance.
Extended Essay due date is arriving. Its the current source of greatest panic for me, because I dont have a topic, and I will be removed from history EE at this rate, in which it means I will probably have to end up taking mathematics or english EE.
I really dont know what to do.
Im praying, that God will be my helper. But I fear that this will just go on for two whole years.
Why is it that people who are so much busier can survive in this program? I dont know. Maybe they find some sort of joy in their work. Or maybe they dont need their 'think' time like I do. I do that, but I think alot of people will find that im wasting my time. But, its crucial for me. In fact, there are many things in life that I prize much higher.
I dont want to complain, in fact its not so much of complaining. Im really, worried for whats going to happen to me.
Do you know, that I have honestly lost all motivation for schooling, that even though I never proclaimed to love studying I never actually despised it so much before?
I keep telling myself, that it isnt so bad, that I can do it, but each and every single day that goes on I feel that I cant.
Some of the tests are coming up. Im really afraid actually. If I cant do well in them, I really dont know what is going to happen.
Stressed out. And yet, every moment where I try to chill and relax to avoid this stress just adds on to it later because of the work left undone.
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You see why I talk about meritocracy, capitalism and all that.
Because of what it does to me. Because I feel the effects so real in my life.
I want, to be free, of these chains of society.