Celebrate indeed!! Glory, Glory!! Hallelujah, He reigns!!
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"Your great love is higher than the heavens
Your great love is stronger than the seas
Your great love is bigger than the universe we see
And still, Your love, Your love is for me"
The Vine Band - Your Great Love
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To say the least, things havnt been going well. Which kinda makes me wonder, if since IB started ive had a few 'one of the most jialat days in my life', how bad isit going to get later on -.-.
Anyway thats besides the point.
Many things have happened.
Yesterday, HSL asked to meet me, whereby she told me that due to certain problems, I was had to redo my entire econs IA with a completely new article. I did get a deadline extension, but that was the IA that I worked for sleepless nights for. I remember standing there not knowing what to say, and when I finally said 'ok', I couldnt really manage more than a whisper. All the sacrifice, the hard work that you're proud of, just going down the chute.
I remember being angry that day. Because the problem with the article wasnt my fault, it wasnt HSL's fault either, in fact you couldnt blame anyone for it. I feel treated unjustly, but not even by man but rather by circumstances, by God. And to top it off, with perfect timing just as I left the classroom, it began to rain heavily. Like, when I opened the door of my classroom to leave for home, at that moment, the first drop fell.
I remember just saying alright nevermind. I dont pretend to know why things happen but hey, Romans 8:28. And then I just shoved the entire thing out of my mind and went home, but it felt like a cheap consolation.
Math port is like artillery bombardment. It doesnt come over and kill me directly. It attacks me psychologically and kills me slowly over two weeks., there isnt an instantaneous moment of stress, just a slow pervading sense. I keep facing difficulty, being stuck, unable to continue, and the people around me are really pushing the limits by going beyond what the questions require and I feel so useless struggling with the basic questions already in the portfolio.
Often, I have no time. Physically im worn out. I barely keep awake every single day. Usually I can last till later at night before I feel tired but nowadays im tired by 8 or 9. And yet I cant get the rest I need because I have to continue working on my math port. Two days ago, I was working until I felt like collapsing and I just stopped there midway through solving something and went to sleep.
And I cant focus on anything. My prayer life is badly affected, I decide to do it, but then my mind doesnt even function at all, nothing comes in, I try but my thoughts wander and it seems as if nothing is done and its a complete waste of time. Sometimes I cant afford the time. Its sad when everyday after school you know you have to go home and do your math port. In that sense im glad I decided to stop playing until I completed the portfolio, because if I did I would never complete it.
And all that, is only about work. There are still a few other things that I struggle with that I will not mention here. All these come together and they really drain me.
And in the midst of all these, sometimes God gets put out of the equation. "I have no time for God", something perhaps we all can identify with. And because of that, sometimes I kind of put Him to the side, and yes its true that God understands the human condition, He knows my heart and the difficulties I have. God isnt going to come hunt for me because I didnt spend some time in prayer on one of the days.
But perhaps I hinged on that. Sometimes in the midst of so much, we forget about who is the God we serve.
I said I have no time for God, but perhaps we've got it wrong. Im not the king. its not me who says "I have no time for you", if anything, its the other way around.
But God has time for me.
I've been struggling and I've been trying to solve everything by myself. When I think of God these few days, I think of 'prayer, evangelism, discipleship, grace, forgiveness' and things like that. But in the midst of it all, I've forgotten one important thing about God.
That he is the God of my entire life. He is not just God of those 'holy' things or the really important kingdom work. It means that God is also the God of my math portfolio, my econs IA, my struggles and all that.
I can scarely believe that I forgot this one verse that I have posted countless times here and even on my MSN personal message.
"He who honours me, I will honour".
Been some time since I said it huh. Because it slipped of my mind.
Why do I have to worry? Who is this God that I serve. Am I serving a weak God? Am I serving a God who cant do a portfolio? If the God I serve created the heavens and the earth, how hard is a portfolio, how difficult are those of my other struggles?
We try to overcome difficulty ourselves, but we forget that with God, we can do it better.
Its interesting. During prayer meeting today, I found it really hard. I felt like I was just mouthing the lyrics while nothing is processing in my mind. I was really tired (I still am right now) and I couldnt fully appreciate the time of worship and prayer. I asked God to help me focus but it was still quite tough.
But I hung on, and He came.
And perhaps most ironic of all, you know how people always jokingly say we should be careful of what we pray for because God would actually answer it?
Well I know how true that can get.
"Break me Lord,
Help me fall upon my face.
Make me poor,
If it helps me see Your grace.
Make me weak,
That I'll come to know Your strength.
Lose my life,
To be found in Your embrace."
The lyrics of Your Heart by the vine band. I've been saying it, thinking it but perhaps I never actually considered it that much when I said 'break me Lord'.
And this realisation came to me during pm. Its exactly what I have been praying for. These are the words I have cried out in wanting to have a greater intimacy with God. And when circumstances really struck, it was I who pulled away.
But God chased me with His relentless grace. And I see it. I fell upon my face. I see His grace, I see His strength.
I am found in His embrace.
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(The Vine Band is really not popular, its hard to find their songs online, so sadly there is no music for you, just the words.)
"If I rise on the wings of dawn
Or settle down on distant shores
Still Your hand is guiding me
You are there
If I run on mountains far
If I could travel to the furtest star
Still Your hand is guiding me
You are there
Even though I might have said these words
Over a thousand times before
Even though I know I’ve sung these words
I will never stop saying, never stop singing
I love You
Yes I love You
And I’ll never lose the wonder of
The wonder of You
If I should wake to this world one day
And find that all is gone away
Still Your hand will be holding me
You are there
Your splendor, Your beauty, Your Majesty"
The Vine Band - The Wonder