These days have been surreal. Like today. The world around me feels so unreal and I feel completely out of place, out of touch with reality. Everything seems foreign, the clock ticking on my desk, the speaker with the blue light, the window, the sky, my life, myself.
I blame the cold I've caught. Makes me permanently drowsy and all. And the fact that its as if my lifestyle suddenly had a sudden switcharoo with the end of the examinations. And other things. Maybe C S Lewis song had a part to play too haha. Or reading time traveler's wife with all the switching back and forth in the years.
Can scarcely feel myself alive.
Listening to the fan of my computer whir.
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Well so im in a weird limbo state, and although thats dominating how I feel right now, there isnt exactly much point in going on and on about it.
So lets talk about yesterday.
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Yesterday was one heck of a long day. Tok focus, BSS and dinner/partyish thing at Asher's house.
Tok focus is not important (lol) so im ignoring that, lets talk about Asher's house first because I will be more brief about it.
Though I admit im not very close to the class, closer to other people in church and other classes and all, I still did find yesterday a very enjoyable day. Im pretty sure we all did so the bum who had rather play WOW missed out.
Well, food was great (though I think leftovers were quite significant =/). Asher and his family are great hosts, and oh my I love the swing. Do parks allow people to just buy a swing and plant it there for nothing, assuming its not obstructing anyone? I mean come on, its just a swing, and they get it for free, who doesnt love a swing in the park.
Because I doubt I'll ever live in a terrace house but I totally want one of those. I could sit on them for a long long time, just rocking back and forth on the seat, dreaming of the world out there.
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See, that was brief, no sense in talking too much about it. This next one isnt though.
They say, some lessons cannot be learnt in the classrooms.
Thats the whole point of cip and cas. The average person (myself included) would think of these as a chore, a waste of precious time. Who cares about picking up litter at the beach which is going to be done all over again. Besides, cleaners are paid to do it. Doesnt going to the old folks home seem rather boorish, and though maybe it makes them laugh a little, they probably forget after awhile since so many schools do it (though it should be noted that if it werent compulsory, no one would do it then there would be none at all).
Cip and cas can be a chore, heck I still think of it as work and not fun, but it doesnt change the fact that things can be learnt from it.
They say hurt people hurt people.
Beyond social services LIFE program, for those who dont know, is a program that helps troubled kids usually in primary school (broken families etc) to be educated and have a shot in life.
Volunteering can be a tough process. Trust me, I am not particularly a fan of the way many people who go for BSS with me just go for the hours, minimum effort. I'd admit I dont like to go sometimes, but when I do, I give it my all.
But I understand, because these kids can be such vermins, despite the fact that you're trying to help them.
Im not kidding, I had a kid yesterday. He punches me (with all his might, in my face), stabs with a pencil (thank God its blunt), attacked cw's ear (it was glowing red) and all. He refuses to do work, scrapes eraser dust and throws it at me repeatedly, hell, he freaking spit on me. All that in the first half an hour and I didnt do anything to him except try to get him to do his math.
I could barely tolerate it. Wanted to ask the teacher to swap him away somewhere else but I figured she was too busy, so tahan. Its not in my nature to go berserk on a kid, neither am I capable of feeding answers and just giving up the job like some would. So, persevere.
Gosh. 90% of the people would have walked off I think.
So I had to defend myself while teaching him. Not that hard its not like I cant outmaneuver someone just slightly above half my age. Next time he punched me, with my apparently lightning quick reflexes (to a kid at least) I could block it. After that he never successfully landed a hit on me. Throw eraser dust I would block it too with a paper. After awhile, he asked me if I learnt kungfu (lul). Well I told him that apparently I did and it seems like something he was fascinated about.
He was very interested in it. How I block attacks and all and he got me to teach him. I made sure he did his work. And surprisingly he did, because he wanted to learn kungfu. I didnt think much of it of course. Which kids doesnt want to look cool and display his powers. Maybe he wanted to go beat someone up. Seems like the kind of thing he would do.
without teaching). All the way, he would still attempt to do stuff on me, including calling me a whole string of vulgarities, some of which I only heard of it the past few years.
By 5.30, it was time for their 'circle time' something that is done at LIFE program once in awhile. SMU students were helping out. The tone throughout had been changing slowly, from intolerable little twit to someone who would actually, with some effort on my part, do his work.
It was, unreal when at 5.30 and it was time for circle time, instead of ditching his work, he told me he wanted to finish the page (didnt get to cause there wasnt enough time but we did finish the question we were working on). Then after that, when he had to go, he said 'thank you'.
And not just that, the kid who originally totally hated me dragged me along to play the games with him.
I remember him repeatedly asking for my help during the games, asking me for answers so he could get his reward, and after I helped him get two packets of cheezels, there it was again. 'Thank you'.
And I see the older kids, specifically singling him out to pick on him. They would attack him even in the presence of many adults. And they would steal his cheezels and run away. So he passed them to me for safekeeping but after awhile they took it from me too. I had to chase one of them for a packet of cheezels. Then I stowed it away somewhere so that the kids couldnt get it.
And I told the boy that I kept it for him first, and that the others wont be able to get it from him, and he said 'thank you'.
When I had to leave for Asher's house at 6.45 (15 mins overdue already), he told me to stay. Felt bad for leaving actually, especially since it was not for work but for dinner and party. Passed him the cheezels which he hid in his bag (maybe they been stolen away again already). I assured him I would be back next week. And since I told him that if he were to be attacked he should run, he asked me if im going where would he run to?
Taking the bus to Asher's house, I wondered. Perhaps its the power of grace. Where one who didnt deserve anything but was given much. Perhaps its the power of mercy. Where one who can overpower and hurt him does not do so.
And I thought about the grace of God, the mercy of God, the love of God. How much greater.
I am still very much haunted. I cannot escape from the images, cannot escape from the silent echo a soft 'thank you' in the back of my mind.
Brooke Fraser's Albertine rings in my head.
Now that I have seen,
I am responsible,
Faith without deeds is dead.
Now that I have held you,
In my own arms,
I cannot let go till you are.
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By the way, does anyone have the books 'When the game is over it all goes back in the box' and 'If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat'? Both are by John Ortberg and im trying to get them both haha. If you do, lend me please thanks =).
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