Im looking at the notes I typed into my hp to remind myself, but what was so inspiring and comforting to me in the afternoon is now once again so foreign.
I hate where I am now. Why am I studying here? Never once in my life have I ever broke down because of my studies before and it has already happened a few times this year.
I want to trust in God. The one who can do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. Creator of the universe. The one in whom all things are possible.
Thats what I typed down. Remind myself that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
But right now, I find it so hard.
I feel that im facing impossible odds. All my hopes and dreams suddenly just seem completely broken.
I remember when pearl gave her testimony today, and I was thinking 'yea thats kinda like me now, and if it works for her, its can work for me'.
But after tonight's complete failure, I feel like I need a miracle, not a miracle to get a B, but a miracle to even pass.
I cant remember the last time I felt like I had been beaten so completely.
I cant remember the last time I actually broke down and cried because of my school work.
Im in the wrong place. I dont know why. Some of my classmates call me 'econs god'. Truth of the matter is, I studied harder than any of them did. Now I have hit the ceiling, and I cant seem to go up any more, and yet everything only gets tougher. And econs is the least of my concerns.
I live with expectations, and im failing to meet them by an devastatingly huge margin.
Its despair.
I read the word of God, and I want to believe the words it says to me, but its so hard to just, accept it.
Today I remembered thinking to myself during the testimony 'I know all this, guess I just need to be reminded'. Now its all clear in my head, but I cant quite grasp it.
Im going to sleep now. I gave up working on math and actually came online to do some history notes, but the discouragement was so strong that I was just rendered crippled, unable to do anything. History. Its my favorite subject but right now its just one of the two banes that threaten to overwhelm me.
I just want to, give up and sleep through all the remaining papers. Never in my life has school struck me down this bad.
I dont know how to continue anymore.
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