Sometimes life is good, sometimes its difficult. Sometimes, like today, life is just really, normal.
I guess we can't really say that any single day is normal, but I guess you could say its unimportant. Its like, this day will pass and whatever I have done today wouldn't matter.
In that sense, you could say that its going to be a day wasted. Well, its not. Im doing my IA today, helping out with the painting of the house and stuff, but its just that, im not going to remember anything from today because it feels like just going through the motion.
Its still early of course, its only 3pm, but thats the general feeling I woke up today with. Brain's a little fried for some reason, feeling lethargic, just wanting to laze around all day but really desiring to do something instead.
How's my life been? I don't know really. It's been alright. And alright is quite scary actually. I don't want my life to be just alright. It just makes me feel like there isn't any meaning in the things I do.
Recently I have made a decision in regards to a certain aspect of my life, and it is quite a major decision that has since then really shaped the things I do and the things I will do.
Aside from that, I have also recently made a commitment to God over another different aspect of my life. Its going fine so far, but I wouldn't be complacent.
I guess all of a sudden I find myself a little, suspended. I don't think much, I don't really want to. And then I realise that inactivity in the mind, something we wish for sometimes when in the midst of our exams in the form of just taking a break, can be rather pressuring too.
Yep. And my house is really dusty and stuffy, the light coming in is so weak, makes me even more lethargic.
In a way, I guess you could say that with all these, I feel kind of isolated today. I opened my msn window and I realise that I don't actually really want to talk to anyone. I went on facebook and I felt lazy. Oh and lethargy is best seen when I open my garena and decide that I don't really want to play dota either.
This post has been rather incoherent hasn't it. Its just my thought processes haha. Jumping here and there, thats kinda like how my mind is working now. Im just writing what I think of.
Like that sentence above. That was so random.
Everyone seems to be having problems nowadays. Me? I dunno if you consider those decisions I made problems. They are challenges I guess, really tough ones, but I wouldn't consider it a problem I guess. So, nothing really new in my life, like I said, my life is pretty boring and normal now.
Funny, I really dont feel inspired to do anything. No drive, no impetus. And because of that I actually end up doing my reading up of my IA materials because its kind of a braindead job and yet getting the job done at the same time.
Oh its 3+, I havn't eaten my lunch. Now that I've made that connection, I just realised that im a little hungry. Mmm.
Apathy. Thats one thing that im afraid of that is happening in my life. Maybe its just today, but honestly I've seen 'symptoms' in the past days. Im just, feeling really apathetic towards other people. Now apathy is a scary thing. I think its better to hate someone than to be apathetic towards them because well, well you hate someone that person still exists, they are a part of your life.
Apathy just means that you treat them as if they are non existent. Which reminds me of the girl problems that a couple of my friends have now. Seriously girls, don't be asses and just because you don't really like the guy you start ignoring them. Thats damn bastard seriously. Can you imagine if it happens to you? Its like emotional murder. Its bloody painful kay.
Maybe thats why the number of great guys out there seem to be dwindling. Cause those who really do care are afraid to make the feelings known for fear of such repercussions.
Actually, on the part of the guy, I don't know whats a good and advisable course of action anymore. I've seen guys who let it be known, and they fall hard, like in the above scenario. I've seen guys who don't, and then everything slips away and they live in regrets.
I see I ran off topic again. Well that was something I thought about yesterday. In the light of a friend telling me that. And I was talking about apathy, ironically, because I did feel quite apathetic towards his plight. Makes me a bastard too I guess, a hypocritical one at that, but in my defence I recognize it and I don't hold nearly as much significance as the girl. Whatever, who cares about defending myself this isn't about me. Or not. I mean, this post is about me but this situation isn't.
Anyway, before I confuse everyone reading, back to point. I do feel quite apathetic towards people today. Lethargy makes the world mine for a moment I guess. I think of all those people who are struggling in their lives, and I realise that right now, I don't really care.
Then again, another friend of mine messaged me today to ask if I have been in contact with another one. One who hasn't been having life easy for sure. And I looked at that message and realised, no, I havn't been. This person is quite important in my life, but no I havn't been bothering about him and have been letting him face life himself.
Dear me. I'd better do something about it later.
I should title this post 'lethargy' or 'apathy' instead of what I titled it. Thats what this post became about even though it wasn't at first. Ok whatever not important.
I wanna live for whats important. Not a normal boring life. Fixing my eyes on what is eternal, I want to live to exalt God. God calls us to love, and people are the only other things that will count for eternity. That is what I want to do. And really, thats why I put that song right at the start of this post.
In my life, be lifted high.
In our world, be lifted high.
In our love, be lifted high.
That is the bridge of the song. And for the chorus, its a call, a call that I cannot do it on my own and I will need God to help me through it all.
Funny, at the end of the day, this post does make sense. It just flowed along, and when it reached the end, I actually linked it back to the start. There is actually a point in this post. Cool.
You know, back in the mundane life that we live in, engulfed by society, constrained by expectations, weighted down by deadlines, life can get pretty shit sometimes.
I find that life is really only worth living when I live for God. I kind of miss coy camp right now. In particular, I kind of miss prayer room. Quiet times sometimes in my own house feels rushed. The presence of the computer is always there, the presence of the IA books on my table. Million distractions.
Coy camp had one rule which I laughed when I first saw it. No homework allowed. I thought it funny, because like hell I would do homework there. Funny, now that I come to think of it, its really important. If I had brought my work there, I wouldn't have spent so much time with God I guess. My focus wouldn't have been there.
I didn't actually do that much, and funny, thats really what life is about. You don't have to do much. Coy camp was one of the best times I've had, not because of activity, but instead because of inactivity. That really allowed me to bring everything under God's reign.
Actually, coy camp after lights out is the best. I didn't sleep immediately after lights out during coy camp. The peace, the resting, that was great. I could use more of that in my life.
Right now, this inactivity I have is the inactivity of lethargy, that isn't too good since I don't even want to fix my eyes on God, feeling tired to do that.
Must pray. Must pray.
Its good. I feel less lethargic now. This post kinda forced me to work my mind and that kinda awakened me a little.
Fix my eyes.
What a sweet melody. Compared to all the noisy worship songs we have sometimes, this is beautiful.