Sometimes I find myself really just quite terrible. There are days where I think high and mighty of myself (unfortunately), and there are days where I am humbled. It doesnt need to take anything much really, because the truth of the matter is that all round the clock I am a sinner saved by grace but sometimes I just seem to forget that fact.
Sometimes I do feel inadequate, but a different kind of inadequacy that we are used to think of. I don't believe that God will not love me the same nor that He will burn his anger against me for whatever wrongs that I do, but sometimes I feel that the least I could do for the God I love and whom first loved me is really to be more Christlike in my ways, and yet I don't meet up to my own expectations. Its not so much of failing God sometimes but more so of failing my own standards that I desire for myself when I consider how central God is in my life.
A quote that always stuck with me was one by Leo Tolstoy. "The test of observance of Christ's teachings is our consciousness of our failure to attain an ideal perfection. The degree to which we draw near this perfection cannot be seen; all we see is the extent of our deviation".
The extent of our deviation. Sometimes I do in my head tend to rank people and check where I stand, even in regards to things like Christlikeness, but really it doesnt matter. Its quite, instinctive I guess, and maybe thats exactly why its the most scary. It comes in a way that seems rather uncontrollable and takes hold of your mind for a short while and leaves that impression upon you.
Sometimes, I find my mind a very detestable and dangerous place. My mind tends to wander, and when it does all sorts of things can creep in. Thoughts are intrusive and the more you try to push them away, the more they can return and take hold of you. Its not like an action, where you could walk away, or speech, where you could hold it back. Especially when you're tired. When you're tired but not exhausted, a state where your attention span would be pretty short, all sorts of things happen in your head.
I guess maybe thats what renewing our minds is really all about. Philippians 4:8 "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
I'd really like to be someone who really lived as Jesus did. I know its impossible to ever reach that standard, after all we are talking about the God incarnation, yet I do dislike the failings that I have in my life. We all face millions of choices every day, and I wonder how many of them resulted in even but a small step in me making a difference in the lives of others while how many of them resulted in more harm than good.
I'd like to think that I could be perfect, that I could always be a blessing and not a curse to anyone. I am learning, and I do not particularly think that I am a disease that people should steer clear of. In fact, I do suppose that in many ways I have been a light. Yet perhaps I could do more to be a better friend, a better light. Perhaps I hope that I could avoid even all the little mistakes and hurts that I may cause accidentally.
At the end of the day though, I am only human. Yet that should never be an excuse for me to remain stagnant. I must choose to pursue after the things of God, and even if in my journey I stumble and fall, I keep pressing on, knowing that I am transformed into His likeness more and more, knowing that it is also by His grace that I can carry on.
I'd like to believe that I always walk the talk, but sometimes reading what I write on my own I think I might be abit of a hypocrite. Still, I try. Maybe by morning I'll have forgotten everything I wrote here. Still, I write, knowing that I once wrote it.
We really all are quite filthy. So far away from God's standard. Yet His love reaches us the same. This amazing love. This amazing grace.
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Nothing happened really. That post above might make it seem like I did something wrong that I shouldn't have done and hence this post, but no. I was just reminded of these upon some reflection I guess. Well yea I did do things that are wrong. I do them everyday. We all do, sometimes we just don't realise it. I guess its really about putting it in perspective. Are we looking through our eyes, or though the eyes of the Almighty?
Well I have finally done my transfers for all my stuff into my new comp. Problem is, I cant transfer all the fonts I saved from long ago and all the bookmarks I had. Which means I lost a couple of blog links to blogs that I actually read. Well off the top of my head I can only think of one blog but I cant remember if there may be more rawr.
Anyway, the fonts, bynes could you send me your font folder? Thanks =).
Sigh, math ws 3 is really a killer. I hope that the rest of the worksheets arent going to be as bad seriously. Not being able to do 3/4 of the questions is shitty. Its like, I see something, then there are just so many possible things you can do with it that I dont know what to do, and the solution is usually some weird way of applying a formula. Haizz. I had to wolframalpha almost every question.
The last 3 questions were damn joke though, its like super simple calculus until dunno what. I cant seem to get the answer for the last one though but I think its a careless mistake that my brain isnt quite able to find in its dead mode.
Oh and wolframalpha hates me too. I know its trying to give me the fastest way to get the answer but no, arcsinh and arctanh are not the way to go -.-. Not to mention some of the damn queer formulas used. Reminds me of the fact that this crazy math im studying is still nothing compared to whats out there.
I dunno man, this is shitty. Spent like a total of 3 to 4 hours on this worksheet (6 questions -.-) and it still has a whole bunch of blanks and I still dont think I am capable of doing the questions if I were given them again.
Oh well. Its late. Hmpf, I had coffee quite late just now (maybe I should have drank only half cup), still feeling awake but if I dont try I'll die tmr. Sleepy time for tonight. Tmr has its own math to worry about.
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