Never quite there

I'll rant. You don't have to read it.

We all know we're imperfect. Every single one of us. Whether it be perfection in general, or even in the specific things that we do.

Still, that has never ceased Man from seeking perfection. Attempting to get as close to the mark as possible. Because of this pursuit, Man has evolved to its advanced state that it is today. Never satisfied with the way things are, we have pushed boundaries, made what had seemed impossible in the past a common sight in the modern day.

Yet when you think about it, it is only the elites, individuals in the vast world, who are pushing the boundaries of what is possible. The majority of us normal folks live within these boundaries, far away from the edges to even be able to see and touch them much less push them further.

What if though, there are things that really mean alot to you.

You don't expect to push boundaries, but you don't expect to be just a regular folk either. Yet sometimes, it isn't easy to press forwards. Sometimes, it seems that you just aren't quite cut out for it no matter how much it means to you.

As little Christs, we are called to love. Not as the world superficially understands it, but to really live and breathe it. We don't have to push boundaries like the giants out there, but surely, surely we have to stand out from the regular folk don't we?

Is love not one of the defining characteristics of Christianity?

Is not our Great Commandment to love God with our all and to love those around us as ourselves?

I don't know what the other Christians out there feel, but over time this has become one of the single most important things to be in my walk with Christ, for all these other good things stem from love.

Still, for all my deep convictions and heartfelt beliefs, at the end of the day I still dont quite do it well.

Only human. Striving seeking to tend towards that ideal. Desiring to stand out from the norm if only because the norm was not good enough. More often than not though, it seems that this isn't happening. Im no legend I dont need to be a legend, but at least I ought to be different right?

Sometimes it seems to come so naturally to people that they dont even need to think about it. Maybe thats why they dont even talk about it, its so ingrained in their lives.

By nature, I guess im a selfish annoying prick. Thank God that He continues to show me the way to live, that I may not continue in living a life centered around myself. Still, its not enough. These things still slip through. Its not so much that I hate people, I really don't struggle with that. Its more of how I just don't care. The apathy in me sometimes is appaling.

I try, I make a conscious effort to love and care, but its something that can feel so unnatural to me. I still don't quite know how to do it. Im still not being involved enough in the lives of people I treasure, or not knowing how to be better involved in their lives. Sometimes im still pissing off those people. With insensitivity, too much focus on the self and sometimes just being plain annoying.

I'd hate to talk so much about love but have it so absent in my life. It makes me nothing more than a hypocrite.

Its tiring. There really isn't anything else that means more to me than the very thing that I find myself terrible at. Its an irony really. Dont tell me not to worry, no one expects me to be perfect. I know that, I dont expect myself to be perfect either, but there is a certain level of which I expect myself to attain. I don't think its an impossible level, its very achievable indeed for many have done so.

But im never quite there.

So im sorry. For all my failures. For all my faults. For all my inabilities. For all the times im annoying. For all the times im insensitive. For all the times I expect perfection from others when I myself am nothing. For all the times that I serve as nothing more than an annoyance. For all the times I have consciously or subconsciously put myself first before others.

Im fighting. Im not giving up. Im still trying but its an uphill battle. Perhaps though each little experience I learn a little more. Still tending towards that goal, still trying. There is nothing more important, and there will never be.


No nothing big happened guys, I've been thinking. A spark you could say, but its really a very small incident that lighted the fuel that has been around for the past few weeks.