Funny how there seems to be so many different definitions of that word, as if they are trying to grasp it fully but quite unable to.
Sitting by the sidelines, observing.
There is nothing much else to it I guess. Thats about the limits to which I can go. It feels rather awkward to be amongst them but yet at the same time there is a sense that I should stay nonetheless.
Most of them I do not recognise. There are some names and faces that I recognise, and perhaps its mutual for some of them too. But all the same, we're strangers, for knowing such details doesn't equate to knowing someone.
So I sit and watch. Wondering how choices I have made had brought things to where it is.
And soon, it will all fade into nothing. I will depart and be seen no more. There will be no memory, and in their lives I will have never existed.
Dismissal. Cheerfully they gathered their items and all ran off, not once looking, not once acknowledging.
And off they went. And in time to come they too will fade away.
I remember a child. A monstrosity it seemed. A wrecking ball. Slaps you, stabs you, spits on you.
But perhaps only because that is his life. It has always been.
One day, I met him. Despite everything, I chose to love him.
Initially, he got tougher. More defiant. Increased his destructive power.
But I chose to love him.
And after awhile he couldnt do it anymore. And he softened. He became tame. He accepted the love and tried to take in every bit of it.
All these within those few small hours.
When I had to leave, he couldnt quite bear it. He wanted me to stay by his side.
I promised him I would come back next week.
I never came back.
I do not know where he is now.
I seem to have forgotten his name.
Perhaps it is strange how I live my life. Perhaps my attitudes are my mannerisms are awkward. Weird as people may call it.
Perhaps many have simply been patient with me.
I've been told too, by numerous people, of how I ought to learn to treat others better. In my words, in my actions. To be concerned not just in my mind but in living it out.
And its difficult sometimes, when you realise that all the past actions and everything you have done comes back to haunt you. The impressions you made that have been set in stone. With time, perhaps it could be chipped and sculptured into something else.
Assuming of course, one was given the opportunity to chip away.
But sadly, sometimes people have chosen to set their minds towards certain attitudes, and their perceptions, they will not change.
Perhaps mine too have not changed and will not change.
Walking through crowds of people. So many of their faces are recognisable.
Some stay silent, glancing over. Some smile and wave, but no words are spoken, our lives remain distinct, separate.
A few this life is shared with, just a few. I wonder sometimes if to them its a privilege or a curse. For me, its good enough though. There isnt a need to be recognisable, there isnt a need to stand out.
But sometimes, there are just some in the crowd whom you wished you had come to know more personally. Yet you do never do. And you continue this routine of life, shuffling about awkwardly, enclosed in the imaginary space around you. Wishing, hoping perhaps they would take that step to walk into those boundaries, and freely you would share your life. Yet on your own you would never step out.
And they never walked in.
And I, I will fade away into nothingness.