I'll be frank once again. I was going to write this in my private space, but I thought, there really isn't anything to hide. This isn't something im afraid that others will know, it isn't something that needs to be a secret. I don't think there should be a reason to keep it low.
Whats more, it would make for a good lead up to a challenge that I have prepared for all you people reading this. Probably won't be posting the challenge anytime soon though. Don't want to bog you all down during exam period (for most of us at least).
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What is reality?
I know im one of those people who always say 'oh well back to reality'. Actually that was kinda my attitude when bbgbcia camp ended. Back home to my books which I find no joy in, thats just life. And its true in that sense. As students, thats frankly what dominates our lives. And as an IB student, oh boy.
But what is reality? Is reality really math, physics and econs? Time passes, these things fade to dust. No one remembers, no one cares. Does my dean's list for history matter to 99% of the people I know?
Perhaps that reality is but a false image. An imaginary picture conjured up by society. So what is important to me? What is it that drives my life?
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What has love beyond shown me?
I come back to the gathering of the impactors, and its nice to hear so many stories about all that has happened and how love beyond has shaped their lives. The fun times they all had, the deeper relationships forged amongst themselves, the way God has shown himself strong.
To many, they have touched lives. They had made a difference. They have succeeded the mission to go out there and love beyond ourselves.
What have I achieved in love beyond?
With all my heart I entered, somehow ended up taking a leadership role even though that was never actually specifically mentioned, planned and coordinated activities, prepared everything, set up the environment for us to go in and impact lives.
But what legacy have I left behind?
Looking back, I wonder about to what extent had I achieved my primary nor secondary objectives. Did I make a difference? I know I definitely played a supportive role and did it well. No question about that. I mean, in all honestly, there are somethings I know that would not have happened if not for me so im not going to pretend I didnt do anything. But how about going in, not just supporting others behind but fighting up front? How successful have I been in that?
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And this is something that has been bothering me since the camp ended.
I really loved them. Really. Still do. But emotions contained inside one self and sealed by a poker face renders the virtue of that emotion void.
And I have been thinking about how it may be true for the other aspects of my life as well. Take a look at the current year 5 primers. The conviction I had when I decided that I will take on PLC. The willingness to just, lay down whatever I had to fight in this battlefield. Because I know what primers means to me, and I want them to receive that too. Because I know I am choosing to glorify God in this. And I saw them as the children of God, whom God is calling out to. And I loved them too.
So where are we right now?
What happened to my coy camp group? That life changing camp which taught me the importance of loving people and the ministry of the boys brigade?
Why stand at the sidelines watching those boys, and watch as they all walk past me, like I don't exist?
What about all those friends dear to me, old friendships from primary school days and lower secondary, why have they faded so far away?
And to the ongoing ones in church, in primers and others. What impact am I making in their lives? One day when we walk our own separate paths, will I be forgotten by them too?
Where is that nameless kid now?
I love them all, so much. What legacy am I leaving behind?
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The most terrifying thing about it all perhaps is that its not so much that I don't care. I really do care, and more often than not I want to care. Yet somehow, things just don't happen. I realise I don't know how to.
Im done with reading up all those tips and tricks on the internet or on books. Its not that they don't give valuable advice, but they don't strike the core of the issue of which I face. A core of which I myself am unclear of its nature beyond the fact that its psychological.
How do you love somebody?
After so long, it gets really tiring. It started at the start of this year. I call it phase three. A compulsion, a calling to take love beyond the superficial understanding and application of it. A call to delve deep into what it means to lay down our lives for others. To understand what it means to love with the agape love and not freely toss that word around.
I feel its reaching its climax. It could go well from here, or it could go downhill. I struggle to direct myself in the right paths.
It easy to want to give up. But thats why our Christian walk is a fight of faith isn't it, not some walk in a park.
I just know one thing.
You can't be a spectator all your life.
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I'll end off with something I was just thinking about that isn't exactly related to what I was saying. Just that, a few people commented I looked tired.
Majority of the time, when people say they are 'tired', its not really true. Its just the convenient way to explain a behavior without raising questions. Thats a little thing I learnt from observing others and myself. When someone is really tired, you can tell. Admittedly, sometimes, they are somewhat tired and that may also have affected their mood, but tiredness is not the main factor.
No im not emo. Im not much of a fan of that, its like a useless waste of energy. More of a, solemn contemplative mood. The kind where you think about life. And you don't really want everyone laughing and bugging you when you are in these deep thoughts. This is something very important that I don't want to take lightly.
I guess im glad that people really care enough to want to know how you're doing, but there are times where you just need abit of silence to consolidate your thoughts before you can be refreshed and run free. There are many times when people say they don't want to talk to anyone when they actually do, well that isn't true always.
So yes. Im done here. Im glad I have this ability to compartmentalize my thoughts. Time to shove this away for the moment and get some econs in my head.
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