I dont really know how to balance my relationship with those around me sometimes. Don't know if im coming on too strong for some, too weak for others. Perhaps showing too much concern for some, too little for others. Barely talk to some people in person, barely talk to some people online. And sometimes, there isn't any real reason why it happens. I know its perfectly natural to treat different people differently, for each person is unique, our relationship with each person is special too, but I wonder if when I treat people differently, is it in a way that actually makes sense or is it not the right balance, coming on as strange or given off the wrong impression instead?
I'd like to think that im above what others think of me, that I don't really care what people say. That much is actually true, but inevitably people's impression of me is tied to their relationship with me, and that one is something that really does matter.
So, I'd hate to think that im not striking the right balance, though im not really sure how is that to be done. I wonder what are the impressions people have of me, I wonder how that affects our relationship.
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Its my mom's birthday tmr but we celebrated it today. Shes someone that matters, but sometimes its strange, difficult, and even awkward to show appreciation for family. Singing a happy birthday song to my mom feels totally weird as compared to when I sing it to my friends, but it doesn't diminish her importance in my life.
Buying a birthday gift for my mom is something that feels so absurd, but my dad got me and my bro to do it. I wouldn't have done it frankly, I took the easy way out and under the guise of having to study, split a gift with my bro while he did the hunting. It wasnt that I didnt appreciate my mom, but like I said, it just feels weird.
But to see her so touched by it makes me ponder about these inhibitions of mine and the possibly of breaking them all down. I always say it, love cannot be just thought, it must be shown through actions, but far too often I find myself thinking it only, not doing enough for friends and family.
Learning to be more than someone who only loves in thought. Must learn to overcome these things that hold me back.
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