Introspective ramblings

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Optional read (not that any post hasnt been optional), but its a post about I, me, myself, and frankly thats quite boring to other people sometimes heh. Im just writing to think it through and posting it so if anyone wants to know they can. If anyone wants to comment, by all means.

And yes, sometimes from little things, I start linking them to other ideas and thinking about them. Everything here came from the DOPE test and a game of Citadels.

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The Shell

http://nynerd.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/owl-imprint.jpg

I am not who others think I am, but the same is true for most people is it not?

We see this clearly in the johari window. What we perceive of ourselves is different from what others perceive of us. And of course it is. Our thought processes, our emotions, even when we express them to the people around us, how can they even begin to grasp a fraction of what is it that we experience?

The leaders took a DISC equivalent test recently, simply replacing DISC with DOPE (Dove, Owl, Peacock, Eagle), with each bird representing one trait from the DISC test. It so happens that lefa wasnt around, and when his copy was passed to him, I acquired an extra copy and tested myself. I knew I used to be a Peacock-Eagle, but I knew that changed alot in the past few years. I fully expected myself to acquire an Owl-Peacock or Owl-Eagle, and that turned out to be true. I was almost a 50% Owl (and that is quite a big chunk, the other three stats all in the other 50%).

What I found surprising somewhat was, while I was doing the test, a couple of people attempted to guess what I would be. Peacock-Eagle was immediately thrown out. I knew that wasnt true, but somehow that was the general perception (there were differences of course). I said maybe because Owl is a more subtle trait as compared to the more outstanding Peacock and Eagle, but maybe not. It could have been picked up, and some people did.

When you're a 50% Owl, to be thought of as not an Owl is quite a big difference.

Yet at the same time, there were others I couldn't really figure out myself. Some obvious ones of course, but others which were more unexpected. As much as others didn't know me well enough, I didn't know others well enough.

I'll give two examples of two things that people wouldn't know about me. Both occurred to me while I was working on the quiz because they appeared as options. The two are 'oversensitive' and 'vengeful'.

Would I be perceived as any of those? No, I highly doubt so. Perhaps some of my closest friends might recognise the former, and no one would recognise the latter. The reason is simple, because I view them as traits which I stand firmly against and so any form of it that attempts to rise up in me, I suppress them heavily. Emotional stability and love are two things I hold on to dearly, and so I would not allow them to seep into my life.

Yet, the natural inclination is there. The sensitivity whenever someone mentions something and I laugh it off or just smile but something stirs inside (apparently Owls have great poker faces), the rage in desiring to do things to those pickpockets back in Italy which would have been extremely unkind to say the least.

These are but two examples, there are so many more ways in which the image which people see of me is but a facade. An exterior shell which hides the true being within. Do we all not have these shells? Sometimes, these shells are walls put up intentionally, other times, these shells grow naturally in our lives.

And it strikes me that we dont actually know anyone. The person, whom we think we know the most, we know but merely a tiny fraction of his or her entire being.

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The Dove



The DISC/DOPE test is a work style test, but we cant deny that our work style is inevitably a product of our lifestyle.

There was another thing quickly agreed upon in the guessing of which 'bird' I was. Dove? No way. Out. Definitely not a dove dont even need to consider it. Frankly, that upset me a little, but I cant deny it. I took the test, my dove scored a pathetically low score of 3/40.

There are things that a Dove tends to do which I could never really accept as a personal style of mine. Lack of assertion, lack of planning, lack of efficiency. I wouldn't want to have Dove as my work style. For a lifestyle though, that would be different. There was always something special about the Doves. The Doves have an amazing ability to live out sacrificial love. Perhaps its easy for them precisely because the sacrificial love sometimes does not feel so much sacrificial at all, they derive great joy from it. It tires them out, but they always choose this path, because they know it worth it.

And it is worth it. It just doesnt come naturally to me. For years I have always attempted to push up my Dove trait because I cherish it. In practical actions, I have come to be able to do so much better. It always comes at a cost though, and I find that the effort I spend although fulfilling and joy is derived from it, it drains me. Its always a conscious effort on my part and rarely a subconscious.

Strange as it seems, Doves command the most respect from me out of the four groups.

And it saddens me to know that years later, while the other three traits shift about, the Dove trait remains rock bottom.

Because, if I speak flowery beautiful languages and charm the crowds, drawing attention to myself with social antics, but have not love, I am but a hollow being. If I am able to rise up to challenges, fight with great perseverance, soar to greater heights, but have not love, I am but chasing after meaningless things. If I am able to work on everything with meticulously, leaving no marks, no mistakes, but have not love, I am but an overheated piece of machinery.

Because the valued traits of society, diligence, charisma and perhaps even intelligence, are by themselves completely worthless.

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The Eagle-Owl Deficiency

 http://blogs.sundaymercury.net/weirdscience/eagle.jpeg

I may be an Owl-Peacock, but the Eagle is always present in me, and in some situations, they will come to the forefront.

Perhaps in my nature as an Owl, there are certain types of games I love. Those which complex strategies cam be employed, where psychological mind jacking is in the forefront of the game, where logic is pushed the maximum, where risks are not simply taken but carefully calculated and executed to yield minimum loss and maximum gain.

Welcome to Bridge and Citadels.

The luck of the draw is present in both games, but it is never the deciding factor. You could have a good hand in bridge, but still lose to an opponent's superior play. In Citadels, it is perhaps even more so. A new character every round, careful prediction of everything that is to happen (including what the opponent predicts of you), so much more.

Unfortunately, something instinctively kicks in when I play these games. The Eagle in me sees this as competition. A competition that with my skills as an Owl, I am to be superior. And the Eagle-Owl deficiency emerges. This game, I must win.

And I will be annoyed if I am beaten through a lack of fairness. I will show my triumph if I win despite the circumstances. And I will be unhappy with those who due to what I perceive to be their inability to comprehend the subtleties of the game, make mistakes which cost me.

It is interesting to note, that I dislike playing Bridge in general. Why so one may ask. Not meaning to sound elitist or anything (perhaps I am), but I think the average Bridge player sucks. Majority of the games I play with, I will see someone doing something that he should not have done. A move which shows that the person clearly has not noticed something which I had. Immediately I am put off and do not want to play the game anymore with this 'inferior' person.

Its only a game my dear.

Yet the competitive edge is there. Which is why perhaps I enjoyed the 4.11 days of Bridge. Because I certainly wasn't anywhere near the top there. I was the mark for average, and that meant competent players who would not make intolerable stupid mistakes. When they do, I am not the only one who blasts the one who makes a mistake. The entire table sees the mistake and reacts accordingly.

And its a deficiency, as much as the lack of the Dove trait is a deficiency. Mostly, people just want to play a game to enjoy the time together, but these games are intellectual exercises for me, and going against those who do not stand up to that challenge makes the entire endeavor seem less worthwhile. I should only have the right to have such expectations if I were taking part in a competition, not a friendly game.

I try not to show my unhappiness, because I know I should not be unhappy about it. It does come though, and I have to carefully remind myself what is more important.

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The Chimera

 

All these talk about the DOPE test is limited though.

So im an Owl-Peacock with parts of Eagle coming out from time to time. Im an IN(T/F)P according to Myer-Briggs, and a Benevolent Inventor (or something like that) according to personalDNA.

Yet at the same time, I am not. We are all not.

You cannot categorize anybody into anything. I may be an Owl-Peacock, and you may expect me to react a certain way to certain things, but find yourself surprised that I do the opposite. And it may be natural, not forced at all.

We're all chimeras. We're all a beautiful mix of the four birds and many other unmentioned things. We are not 50% Owl but simply part Owl. The part we cannot be defined by the head or body or wings but cells scattered all over the bird, and these are constantly dying and being replaced. At times, we are everything all at once, and at other times, we are nothing at all. On average, one may be 50% Owl, but right now one might be 25% and the next minute 80%. We cannot be defined.

We are formless.

And that is why we must never hold personality tests as the gospel truth. Because we aren't even just shells to other people. We are millions of shells, always shedding and growing new ones, locking out others and often even ourselves. In the johari window, we are mostly in the fourth quadrant, the unknown.

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The Pheonix

 

We will continue to change, we are never a constant. Our averages of today will not be the averages of tomorrow. Heraclitus says that a man can never step into a river twice, for it is not the same river and it is not the same man.

We're an ever combusting phoenix, always turning to ashes and always reforming.

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