Before I begin, an annoucement to make. My phone's not receiving smses properly again (heh might be the cranky charging with lefa's nokia charger at ubin which I knew would screw my phone up but went ahead anyway), and this time its not just m1 but also starhub and singtel. So if I dont reply, give me a call.
I find something interesting often occurs in my life. Often I don't traverse the mountains or valleys in my life by themselves, but its as if I walk through them at the same time. Im not sure if it is a coincidence or what, there seems to be theoretically no correlation but it happens. Perhaps its God's reminder for me that even as I walk through the valleys, He is with me. Or perhaps even as I walk through the mountains, I am only human.
As I examine my life, the largest, more distinctive turning points in my life are often a combination of good and bad things happening simultaneously, and these things are often unrelated. Secondary three was one, it was a very tough emotional period for me then, but it was also the year when I entered DI. While for some they turn to the Lord in their darkest times, for me the two things never really had much of an influence on one another (maybe only in the later periods like in secondary four), but they both turned out to be huge influences on my life.
I have a mountain and valley before me now. They're not as huge as the ones I've faced before, but they're there. And it just strikes me how they're both coming together at the same time again. This time, they both teach me more about love, in different ways. It helps me to understand one of life's greatest mysteries better.
In the end, we will only just remember how it feels.
In skidding down the valley, I find that there are things that I wish I had control over but do not have, that there are things I wish I were more capable in but am inadequate, that there are things I wish I could change but cannot. I realise I am horribly flawed, one could even say pathetic. Pathetic is a strong word but its the truth. Rather than pretend all's fine, I rather admit it and possibly work on it, but for now thats the way it is.
Some things seep into your life and poison you from within, killing you slowly and silently.
You know, I believe in the need for emotional stability, placing great value on it. I dislike it when people are permanently depressed, as if the whole world owes them something, so I do my best not to do that to others. I dont want to hound people with my problems which they cant do anything about and give them additional problems. Besides, I find that more often than not, people can be pretty miserable comforters when you try to get them to emphatize with your situation.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped talking. Yet I find it increasingly hard to pretend that im more stable than I really am. It has become extremely tiring to keep it all in and make it seem like everything's alright when its not. I know im good at convincing the whole world im feeling great when im not. Faking smiles and laughter (while throwing in a joke) while the heart rends a little within has become second nature to me that I do it now on a regular basis.
But im very tired of it. One fine day, I might decide to drop that poker face, maybe just for a little while, so that people can know that im not that permanently bouncing bundle of joy whos indestructible in the face of the challenges of life. So that people can see that I am feeling sad and though they may not be able to empathize or help (well you certainly cant if you have no idea what its about), maybe it would be enough simply to let people know that such an emotional state exists in me and is currently a rather significant portion of my life. I hope that understanding alone would be enough of a therapy. So I write this.
And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.
In scaling up the mountain, I find hope.
A sweet thing happened today. It isnt actually that great a replacement for what was lost, but the intentions were true and the heart for it touched me. So who cares if its not the same, im sure I can turn it into something special. If anything, it will be one of the things that will come to have a greater meaning in my life, something I would cherish deeply.
And im reminded, that even as I walk through the valleys, I need not fear. If I ever crumble and everything about me falls apart, there are people who will catch me. That there are people who would go the distance with me, who would stand and fight for me.
Though the moment has passed and the realities of life seep back in, it will always serve as a constant reminder of the precious love that is found here.
Some people say all you need in life are good friends. I dont agree with that statement, but I can see why they might say that.
Of course, lets not forget our precious saviour, who first loved us and taught us to love in return. In the joyous celebration of Christmas, I know im not indestructible, but I need not be.
Oh your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me.
The legs grow weary, the breathing gets harder. The mind gets tired and it whispers 'stop'.
The heart keeps beating. It heats up, there is pain in the chest. But it keeps beating. It keeps beating.