This camp is a very different experience from the past ones I've been to. For realize, fflc, xfac and inside out, I was always a camper. Though in the last one I was an agl, it wasnt that much different, not having done much as an agl and leaving after two days at that. This time round, I was a gl, shifting the load of leadership largely to me, and at the same time as a member of imagine, I was like a pseudo camp comm member, knowing many of the things that were happening and being present at many places in many times. Add on to that, the large numbers of people coming into kairos for the camp.
It is because of this that I could never really consider myself as a normal camper and hence viewed the camp from a different perspective from most people.
In that sense, it draws parallels with PLC 2011, where I was hardly involved in the events of the camp itself due to the nature of my position in the camp comm. Yet, its still not quite the same because of the different ways in which DI and BB operates. And then there were all those physically and emotionally draining things I talked about. There really hasnt ever been a camp like this one.
As a group leader, I guess this time I did better than last year. Last year I was mostly just the guy hanging around helping out with stuff, much quieter than I could have been. This year I think I was able to be more hyper overall and glue the group together much better. Improving from last year doesnt mean much though because I personally thought last year was pretty bad. This year upon reflection there were a couple of deficiencies that I had overlooked. For one, it just hit me that I did not give out my number throughout the camp so if anyone had gotten lost, they could not contact me. I didnt spend as much time talking to group members on a more personal level (perhaps except when im telling my stories which I seem to have plenty this camp but thats just one sided still). I may have given attention more to some people and less to others. On the whole, I think there are still many things that I am unsatisfied with. I don't know how much influence and impact I had on this group of people, I don't know how, if in any way, I had helped them to move closer to God. Perhaps the fact that it was a group made up almost completely of old timers lessens the 'damage' but that still isn't exactly excusable.
As for the Kairos side, it did go pretty well, but im not too sure how much of a part did I play in it. With the P6s, it was alright I suppose, especially with one of them in my group. Perhaps I could have done more for the rest though. Instead, I spent majority of my time in a zombie like state, hardly noticing what is happening around me.
This whole stay up for three nights thing doesn't work out. The sad thing for me is that, all three nights I stayed up I hardly did anything for the imagine related stuff. They were mostly done by bynes and wanting, but I stayed up in part to keep them company in part to help them whenever they needed it. Staying up for the first night was ok and something I was used to doing so it was fine. Doing it again for the second really drained me for the third day, and staying up completely on the third day made me just completely blank on the last day (at least nothing happened on that day). Emotionally, increasingly I felt nothing, which was good in some ways like when I lost my camera, my thoughts were simply 'oh ok' and it was more of reason that made me want to find it. It was bad in some ways too, making me more unresponsive to things. The tiredness really hit me during the messages too. Walking about doing things was fine, but having to sit still to listen, sleepiness sets in quickly. Unfortunately, I dont think I received anything from the messages on the third and fourth day. Im not sure I even remember it.
There are some things I wanted to do but I never quite got round to doing it. Zombie-like blankness actually sucks up a great deal of time. I know that clear well from the way I spent around 5am to 8am for the last night, I had no idea how that time passed so quickly when all I did was walk around. It also prevents me from thinking, and so even when I tried to do some things, the moment I sat down and attempted to get started, everything was blank. At least for a the things I wanted to write to people, I can still afford to sms them now, and for the things I wanted to give to the tooth fairy and the child I could still do this saturday.
Then there was me being food deprived. It was part intentional, like my refusal to eat supper (ho ho I succeeded) to lose some fats. It was also part incapable, simply because I had no appetite. Lunch and dinner was fine, but I didnt eat breakfast for all three days too. Heck, I slept through the last day's breakfast heh. Hey but good news, usually people get fat when fed so much (the suppers are like there to make everyone fat lah haha), I lost weight and probably gained some muscle from all the activities too.
The things that struck me the hardest have nothing to do with all these physical aspects though. The physical aspects were instead detrimental in preventing me from receiving more than I could have and from giving more that I did. Its interesting, that the most important things that I learnt from this camp have nothing to do with the messages or even the leading of the group.
Some of these are private matters and it is not within my jurisdiction to talk about them, but I guess I may talk about the effects these things had.
I knew I wasn't in the tip top spiritual shape before I went for this camp. Things havnt been going perfectly well and I wasnt sure I was ready to assume the mantle of leadership in this camp. I knew what had to be done though, so just go, and pray that God will be sufficient. He is more than enough. And it worked out pretty fine, that im glad. In camps, we sometimes always think of it leading to spiritual revivals, a rush of that consuming fire from heaven that compels us, but in this case, it was the working out of salvation, the choice to fight the fight of faith, to run the race with perseverance.
Oh how many times have I broken your heart
Still you forgive, if only I ask
Oh how many times have you not heard me pray
Draw near to me
Everything I need, is You
My beginning my forever
Everything I need, is You
And that is what it is really. It doesnt suddenly fill me with a great desire to do God's work, but it simply reaffirms my desire to do so and the decision to press on.
In the course of the camp, I asked myself, I asked God, with the only person who was supposed to be a new member of the group not present, what was to be my role in this camp? Especially since I would think that majority of my group members are already committed impactors who can in a sense take charge of their own spiritual growth, what am I here to do? The answer to that simply was that even existing committed impactors will grow, so my role as one who provides the environment and facilitates that growth remains the same.
Yet one the third day, the truth of that statement struck me hard. I realised the need for it was far beyond what I thought. I was reminded of those who were committed and had fallen away, even leaders. A lone soldier though a patriot, he gets tired and weary and may eventually desert. If anything, I had to ensure that no one fights alone. That the battlefield was not just in reaping the harvest but also in tending the existing crops, and not only the weak crops but the ones that look healthy too. And its not any less important a task.
And suddenly, there seemed to be a great sense of urgency, and I wondered what I could do. Im afraid that what I can do is limited, but something is better than nothing. Like I said, the minimum is to ensure that no one fights alone.
Some spiritual wars are hidden, carefully disguised, and so we need to be watchmen in the night.
Another two related things hit me over a few conversations with a few different people. Sometimes I may have personally gained insights into certain things that would perhaps put me in a better position to know the 'absolute truth', but even if it is a levitated position, it may still not necessary be a position that would allow me to arrive at that truth. Who am I to assume that I know it all? Who am I to attempt to persuade others towards my points of view which may not necessarily be correct? There was an incident which challenged me on whether some of the beliefs which I hold on to fervently are necessarily the absolute truth, and it occurs to me that they are not.
And the second thing, even if I am right, I dont always have to prove it, the priority is that others are understood and loved. Its a simple thing that everyone knows, but perhaps not always put into practice. I was just reading an article that zr asked me to read a long while back and it discussed the issue of Jesus Christ before pilate, and pilate asking him 'what is truth' and Jesus' non response. Does it indicate that absolute truth does not exist? I do not think so. Perhaps it is more of, the absolute truth will not be accepted, must one speak it?
About slightly over a month ago, I accused a friend of mine of being 'unsensitive' (not insensitive, just not sensitive). Later, the friend responded by pointing out certain things that made me wonder if I am the unsensitive one. It is true. More often than not, I am unsensitive towards other people. Its an old habit hard to be rid of because mostly I dont even notice it. Sometimes I'm just always trying to point out what is 'true' or attempt some form of justification that I neglect the feelings of other people.
I dont know how am I going to fix that, but I am going to have to.
And finally, of course there was the case of the lost camera, which was more of an inconvenience and kind of disappointment rather than a big issue by itself. If anything, this incident was beneficial in that it showed me the love of the people of God, when my entire zone abandoned breakfast to search for the camera and some of them I even had to force them back for breakfast before they did so. For that, I am thankful.
So now LOL is over, im not sure, everything passed by like a blur, and it was over so quickly. I dont have any excitement in me, no celebration of it. There are a good many things to thank God for of course, and I know that it did go well on the whole. I thoroughly enjoyed myself in the camp, murder mystery was brilliant (haha never knew DI had such great talent in acting), Yerritign was brilliant, Kairos was brilliant. There are many not so good things too, things that make me sit back and consider. How am I to live this life in such a way that I may live out loud?
This isnt the high energy exploding new fire thing, this is a sombre humble open challenge.
What now?
---