Found a link to the relevant magazine yesterday on facebook, and from there linked to these two articles.The perspectives offered here are refreshing, and I find the discussion on control in the second article to be especially intriguing as I think it applies in many areas of our lives and not just in romantic relationships.
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You Never Marry the Right Person
- Timothy Keller
How our culture misunderstands compatibility.
In generations past, there was far less talk about “compatibility” and finding the ideal soul-mate. Today we are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfills our desires, and this creates an unrealistic set of expectations that frustrates both the searchers and the searched for.
In John Tierney’s classic humor article “Picky, Picky, Picky” he tries nobly to get us to laugh at the impossible situation our culture has put us in. He recounts many of the reasons his single friends told him they had given up on their recent relationships:
“She mispronounced ‘Goethe.’”
“How could I take him seriously after seeing The Road Less Traveled on his bookshelf?”
“If she would just lose seven pounds.”
“Sure, he’s a partner, but it’s not a big firm. And he wears those short black socks.”
“Well, it started out great ... beautiful face, great body, nice smile. Everything was going fine—until she turned around.” He paused ominously and shook his head. ”... She had dirty elbows.”
In other words, some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation, a “haven in a heartless world,” as Christopher Lasch describes it. Rather, they are looking for someone who will accept them as they are, complement their abilities and fulfill their sexual and emotional desires. This will indeed require a woman who is “a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling,” and the equivalent in a man. A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put - today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner.
You never marry the right person
The Bible explains why the quest for compatibility seems to be so impossible. As a pastor I have spoken to thousands of couples, some working on marriage-seeking, some working on marriage-sustaining and some working on marriage-saving. I’ve heard them say over and over, “Love shouldn’t be this hard, it should come naturally.” In response I always say something like: “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball’? Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative’?” The understandable retort is: “But this is not baseball or literature. This is love. Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul-mates. “
The Christian answer to this is that no two people are compatible. Duke University Ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas has famously made this point:
Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.
We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.
Hauerwas gives us the first reason that no two people are compatible for marriage, namely, that marriage profoundly changes us. But there is another reason. Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered—living life incurvatus in se. As author Denis de Rougemont said, “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love ... ?” That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess. Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature? Indeed, many people who have mastered athletics and art have failed miserably at marriage. So the biblical doctrine of sin explains why marriage—more than anything else that is good and important in this fallen world—is so painful and hard.
No false choices
The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.
The hard times of marriage drive us to experience more of this transforming love of God. But a good marriage will also be a place where we experience more of this kind of transforming love at a human level.
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Surrendering to Singleness
- Fabienne Harford
In my naïve younger days (about three months ago), I managed to convince myself that my desire for control had a fairly loose grip on my heart. Now that I’m three months older, I can see a little more clearly. The tragic truth is that so much of my life is designed to maximize my sense of control.
Praise the Lord for the kindness of singleness, which costs me control in a huge area of my life.
Most life stages are chosen. But for many single folks, this is not the case. Singleness is the default. It’s the life stage we are all in until we are removed from it by choices we make. I didn’t choose to be single. And so there’s this pain or anxiety that comes with knowing there is nothing I can do to change where I am. The world may say otherwise, but the kind of marriage I would want is only possible through an act of God.
I have been taught—from an early age - that I control my own destiny. That if I want something, I can walk out those doors and get it. That I can pursue and achieve anything I set my mind on. That my life is in my hands. This is, after all, the American Dream.
When I became a Christian, I renounced these beliefs. However, in my heart, I still cling to the lie that I have control over certain things in my life. I believe I have control over my schedule and my day and my life. The pain of losing control in singleness constantly reels me back in from my imaginary world where I can make anything happen that I want. I can’t change my Facebook status to "married" with a little hard work and willpower, and each time I remember this, there is a sobering pain that teaches me truth.
Somewhere deep inside we believe control would be the key to our joy and peace. Life would be better if we controlled it. We manage to set up 90 percent of our day living in the fantasy that we are going to determine what happens, and we spend hours pondering days and years that haven’t occurred, anticipating the decisions we can make to steer and direct the world into our intended path.
My buddy Malachi (who is 3) gets the truth a lot better than me. When he wants to eat, he can’t just go get food for himself. Anything and everything he wants, he has to ask for, and the only way he’ll get it is if his mom or dad get it for him.
What is strange is that I’m actually more dependent on God than Malachi is on his parents—I just happen to live in a time and place that convinces me otherwise. I can’t breathe in or out without His power and grace. I think I can get food for myself, but I can’t. I can’t do anything apart from Him.
My favorite part about the pain of losing control in singleness is the moment in the car, or in my apartment on an especially low day when I attribute my frustration with singleness to it being the one thing I can’t control.
It’s my favorite part because it takes about 10 seconds of sitting in that angst before I hear the challenge from the Spirit: Is it really? Is this the one part of your life that you don’t control?
The Bible says my very apartment address has been appointed by God and every day of my life is written by Him and He is always and in every way holding all things together by the power of His word. There is only One in control, and it is not me. He holds the hearts of Kings in His hand.
Would I want it differently? In these moments, the faces of all the people I might have married if I was in "control" flash before my eyes. And I cringe a little. And worship a little.
I’m afraid of not having control. I’m worried that because I can’t control this area of my life, I will miss out. In the same way I am anxious about tomorrow because I am worried that if it doesn’t turn out as I need it to, I will lose something or miss something or not gain what I need.
I’m afraid that if I don’t have control, no one has control. But this isn’t true. Someone is in control. Someone who is fully wise and fully able and competent. Someone who never sleeps. And guess what—He’s someone who is constantly working every detail of every day and the hearts of every man for my good.
There is nothing more gracious than areas of our lives that remind us we don’t have control. Praise the Lord that I don’t have control over my marital status. The pain of losing control reminds me I actually never had control—in any aspect of my life. Some of you reading that might find it offensive, but it’s so gloriously liberating.
Do you know why people loved college so much? Or high school? Or their childhood? Because it was back in the days when you didn’t have to bear the burden of your life on your shoulders. People could direct you and lead you, and you would just be faithful with what was handed to you.
Good news: this is the life of a Christian. My Father is working everything out. He will provide for me. Today, I have everything I need for life and godliness. Today, nothing good has been withheld from me. Today, He is ordaining every detail of my day for my good. Today, I don’t need to be anxious about anything because He will take care of me.
The answer to the "why am I single" question is always: Because Jesus loves you. Because this is Him giving you what you need for today. Because this is the only way you’re going to finish this race. Because He promised to give you what was good and best and the key to your ultimate joy—and He’s going to do that, despite your attempts to sabotage your life.
We’ll waste this suffering if we look to our "odds" for hope instead of trusting in Jesus. We’ll waste it if we think the key to our joy is taking control instead of trusting. I know this tendency. It produces every kind of evil in coveting and questioning: Why is that girl married and not me? What if I don’t go to this party tonight and so I stay single? Don’t I have to put myself out there more? If I go to the nations, how will I meet a husband?
God’s mission calls. It is the purpose of our lives. Press on for the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Do not be distracted by details like marital status. Do not be kept out of the fight by fear of missing out on a date, but seek the greater glory of God.
Praise the Lord for the kindness of singleness, which costs me control in a huge area of my life.
Most life stages are chosen. But for many single folks, this is not the case. Singleness is the default. It’s the life stage we are all in until we are removed from it by choices we make. I didn’t choose to be single. And so there’s this pain or anxiety that comes with knowing there is nothing I can do to change where I am. The world may say otherwise, but the kind of marriage I would want is only possible through an act of God.
I have been taught—from an early age - that I control my own destiny. That if I want something, I can walk out those doors and get it. That I can pursue and achieve anything I set my mind on. That my life is in my hands. This is, after all, the American Dream.
When I became a Christian, I renounced these beliefs. However, in my heart, I still cling to the lie that I have control over certain things in my life. I believe I have control over my schedule and my day and my life. The pain of losing control in singleness constantly reels me back in from my imaginary world where I can make anything happen that I want. I can’t change my Facebook status to "married" with a little hard work and willpower, and each time I remember this, there is a sobering pain that teaches me truth.
Somewhere deep inside we believe control would be the key to our joy and peace. Life would be better if we controlled it. We manage to set up 90 percent of our day living in the fantasy that we are going to determine what happens, and we spend hours pondering days and years that haven’t occurred, anticipating the decisions we can make to steer and direct the world into our intended path.
My buddy Malachi (who is 3) gets the truth a lot better than me. When he wants to eat, he can’t just go get food for himself. Anything and everything he wants, he has to ask for, and the only way he’ll get it is if his mom or dad get it for him.
What is strange is that I’m actually more dependent on God than Malachi is on his parents—I just happen to live in a time and place that convinces me otherwise. I can’t breathe in or out without His power and grace. I think I can get food for myself, but I can’t. I can’t do anything apart from Him.
My favorite part about the pain of losing control in singleness is the moment in the car, or in my apartment on an especially low day when I attribute my frustration with singleness to it being the one thing I can’t control.
It’s my favorite part because it takes about 10 seconds of sitting in that angst before I hear the challenge from the Spirit: Is it really? Is this the one part of your life that you don’t control?
The Bible says my very apartment address has been appointed by God and every day of my life is written by Him and He is always and in every way holding all things together by the power of His word. There is only One in control, and it is not me. He holds the hearts of Kings in His hand.
Would I want it differently? In these moments, the faces of all the people I might have married if I was in "control" flash before my eyes. And I cringe a little. And worship a little.
I’m afraid of not having control. I’m worried that because I can’t control this area of my life, I will miss out. In the same way I am anxious about tomorrow because I am worried that if it doesn’t turn out as I need it to, I will lose something or miss something or not gain what I need.
I’m afraid that if I don’t have control, no one has control. But this isn’t true. Someone is in control. Someone who is fully wise and fully able and competent. Someone who never sleeps. And guess what—He’s someone who is constantly working every detail of every day and the hearts of every man for my good.
There is nothing more gracious than areas of our lives that remind us we don’t have control. Praise the Lord that I don’t have control over my marital status. The pain of losing control reminds me I actually never had control—in any aspect of my life. Some of you reading that might find it offensive, but it’s so gloriously liberating.
Do you know why people loved college so much? Or high school? Or their childhood? Because it was back in the days when you didn’t have to bear the burden of your life on your shoulders. People could direct you and lead you, and you would just be faithful with what was handed to you.
Good news: this is the life of a Christian. My Father is working everything out. He will provide for me. Today, I have everything I need for life and godliness. Today, nothing good has been withheld from me. Today, He is ordaining every detail of my day for my good. Today, I don’t need to be anxious about anything because He will take care of me.
The answer to the "why am I single" question is always: Because Jesus loves you. Because this is Him giving you what you need for today. Because this is the only way you’re going to finish this race. Because He promised to give you what was good and best and the key to your ultimate joy—and He’s going to do that, despite your attempts to sabotage your life.
We’ll waste this suffering if we look to our "odds" for hope instead of trusting in Jesus. We’ll waste it if we think the key to our joy is taking control instead of trusting. I know this tendency. It produces every kind of evil in coveting and questioning: Why is that girl married and not me? What if I don’t go to this party tonight and so I stay single? Don’t I have to put myself out there more? If I go to the nations, how will I meet a husband?
God’s mission calls. It is the purpose of our lives. Press on for the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Do not be distracted by details like marital status. Do not be kept out of the fight by fear of missing out on a date, but seek the greater glory of God.
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