I used to really like this song. I dont seem to say I dont anymore, but it just sort of faded away gradually from my mind until I was reminded of it today whilst trying to find a song which could describe what I feel. I couldnt find one, but this one reminds me of what im called to do.
I'll be frank. Headache, yes, but not your usual falling sick, dizzy kind of headache. Stress induced headaches. Havnt had one since IB was over I think. Feels like my brain is being squeezed by something. Not that it was particularly strong today, in fact it was only present for a short while, but its presence tells me that im over straining myself.
And I guess I dont really like the origins of this stress. Its the weight of responsibility and its difficulties, its also all the noise that invades my comfort and my solitude.
Its walking out of the room recognizing that there is a task that lay ahead and that my rest time has not yet come, that an even tougher battle awaits. Convincing myself that its going to be alright, lagging behind, catching up and realising that it is not one tiny bit alright, trying to sort everything out, trying to be useful but unsure how, trying to get other people to do something, successful in some way unsuccessful in others (not that I have the right to expect from others what I myself cannot really deliver), and all the while all that noise keeps clamoring around me. The absence leaves a gaping hole that I struggle to fill, all the responsibilities that I suddenly find myself undertaking despite not being quite adequate for the task, and just snapping week after week.
I dont have much of a choice now, regardless of what state I am in, I have to do it, because no one else can. And all these are just the visible front. A front where at least I can expect some comrade in arms, though we are severely shorthanded. There is yet the invisible war being fought that sometimes I feel so alone and equally inadequate in.
I cannot forsake what I must do, but its really taking its toll on me.
So shut out all the noise, turn the volume up loud, and let chaos neutralise chaos.
God help me, because I cant do it on my own. Im already beyond my threshold. I have already burnt out.
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