It shouldnt matter so much, but unfortunately it just does. It doesnt make any rational sense for it to be so but who ever said logic and reason were the basis by which people operate. As human beings, we live in the realm of emotion, our experiences in life. Logic and reason supplement that, its just a matter of to what extent.
Some day, I'll look back and be glad for all the experiences I have been through. They mold me and strengthen me to become a better person.
Being glad that I have been through them doesnt make them any more pleasant though. Things from long gone still haunt me, not in the form of the people themselves anymore, but in an innate fear within me that things will go wrong once more like it did then.
Sometimes, im not sure whats the matter. While I understand that ultimately we are not in control of our lives but it is God who holds it all in His hands, I also believe that what we actually do does makes a difference to the final outcome. If you study hard, you will more likely than not score well. Thats simple cause and effect. As such, what I do here and now, my actions, my speech, my attitude, everything, affects the end result. In that, sometimes I dont know why, I find myself lacking. I dont think im terrible, not anymore, but theres still much more that I have not grasped. There are still things that I dont seem to be doing right.
They say im an INTJ, so thats the way I am. I cant help but wonder though, if just because you are an INTJ, you have to necessarily accept both the pros and cons of being one. I like the pros of being an INTJ, I really do, but I really dislike the cons of it too. It sounds like an obvious statement to say you dont like the stuff you're bad at, but the truth in some INTJ's wont actually be so bothered by these particular flaws. But I am very bothered by it.
Maybe I should print out that list of ten rules to live by.
At least I know the biggest step in growth is always to first and foremost acknowledge your weaknesses. Even then, sometimes I wonder if its too late. I have my entire life out in front of me of course, and being rid of these weaknesses will help. But specifically, right here, right now, im afraid its too late.
Sometimes, I wish I could take a two year hiatus, away from every single person I know, so they would forget who I used to be, and come back different and continue from there. Maybe thats one advantage of studying overseas. But I could never go away for two years.
And the funny thing is, most people wouldnt understand that. Especially not for someone like me.
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Sounds all about me again. Still waiting for the day where everything will be alright. How many years has it been?
Its time for a run. That fire that burns in your lungs purges gloominess very effectively.
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Speaking of years, DI is turning four. That means im turning four. Its been awhile.
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Im thinking of separating this blog into two. One open to the public and the other more personal one just for closer friends. Not everything can and should be expressed freely in public domain. This post is just borderline, and I might elaborate more if it were in a more private setting. Hmm. Should I?
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