Life. Reality. Love. Fragments. Nightmares. Dreamscapes.
Of what worth are all the ideas and constructs of the mind? Of what value are life's perspectives and insights? There are far too many things my feeble mind is unable to comprehend.
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There are moments in life where you feel you need to sing a song. You can't quite put into words how you feel, and a song, beyond the words but drifting into the emotion it contains, that expresses it for you. A song can help you feel understood. They do sometimes have that magical quality in them. Connecting lives who have never met, warming the hearts of people across time and space.
Sometimes though, you feel like you need a song, but you can't find one. You run through your mental playlist but the search index comes up empty. Then your feelings start piling up, with no source of release. You seek to free yourself from it, to search for an exit, but there is no song which allows you to do so.
A numbing sensation slowly claims your heart. Each heartbeat throbs like an intrusive attack upon your soul. Your thought processes crumble into pieces, becoming nothing but the dust which forms the haze in your mind.Then, your awareness begins to heighten as your senses flare to life. The mind and heart dissipate, no longer quite part of yourself, remaining only as a numb sensation. You are locked out of your own inner sanctuary. The sound of noise is thrown into the foreground. You hear the conversations of the people you walk past, the exact words they speak hang in your memory. You notice the manner the child prances around, you notice a mole on the man sitting a couple of meters away. Its a defense mechanism. Your mind has been caught in rut, so it aborts the operation.
The numbing sensation stays, not letting you break free from your emotions.You stand in the midst of men but you feel just so alone.
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Its a strange mood to be caught in. You forcibly abort whatever you were trying to grasp and switch to ponder about your mood. It feels like sadness, but it isn't. Sadness feels so simplistic. There is also no trigger for this sadness to come about. No, sadness is not like this. The sensations are similar, but it is not the same. Some people will call it emo. No, that term has a derogatory meaning attached to it. Not only so, its also too simplistic. Its a generalisation, a sweeping statement made by people who don't try to understand.
Toska? Oh no thats going too far. Yes, its somewhat true, mental throes, dull ache of the soul, but not quite. Besides, you shouldn't throw that word around, its not a word you should use frivolously. How about melancholy? It describes the emotional sensations better. Yet, maybe the pensive part of it is true, but certainly not the sadness. Again, there is nothing to be sad about. No, its not sadness. It has nothing to do with sadness.
Pensive. Pensive introspection. Something like that. Yet, doesn't pensive seem to connote an actual thought process ongoing? So that can't be it. The thought processes were broken down, the mind became nothing but haze. It hardly describes the surge of emotions too. Then theres that element of a seeking, or perhaps its a longing. The saudade part. How does that fit in?
Its not quite any of those. Suddenly, you realise you cannot even really empathize with yourself. And that heightens the numbing sensation, heightens your sense of aloneness.
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You try to put your feelings down into words, but it is flawed and comes out as something quite foreign. You know your express isn't perfect, but its not just that.
Something is missing in all that. Its the same intangible thing that is so important, but you just can't seem to grasp hold of what it is. It haunts you, precisely because you can't quite put your finger on it.
You won't be escaping from this pit today. Not like you have a choice. But it'll do for now. The catharsis is complete.
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