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The world doesn't wait for you. It keeps spinning on.
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A little tanner, a little less hair. Wow you've become so different!
Now, really.
The things that are truly different are the things no one sees.
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I'm not sad or depressed or in despair or anything don't get me wrong.
I'm just a little lost.
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Fifth coy! The training's really tough!
Now, really.
The physical is nothing, it can only do to you that much.
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Lets go out this friday! Chill on the 9th kay! Who's going family camp! Remember GDOP is at 730pm!
Sorry what? Whats family camp? Is it like field camp? Whats 730pm? Is it the same as 1930?
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It feels like an illusion, a temporary escape from reality.
Or maybe two separate realities. Im an alien to both. I feel schizophrenic.
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When we gather, its like there is a fine barrier that separates us. We continue on as if nothing has changed (and surely for them indeed nothing has changed), but no, everything's changed.
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People have gone through it. You're not the only one. I'm sure you're stronger than that. Hey you have NPCC experience it will be a breeze for you.
Now, really.
I never said I wasn't fully capable of taking whatever they want to throw at me. It has nothing to do with that.
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Sorry were you calling me? I don't have a name, just a four digit number.
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Trapped in a soundproof room. The silence is deafening.
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I find it so pathetic to be at a point where you feel so alone that you need to pull yourself away to actually be alone in order to feel less alone, but you can't do so because thats about all the time you're gonna be able to spend with them.
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Sorry but how have you been? I've ceased to exist for two and a half weeks and I don't actually know whats going on.
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How have I been? Uhm. Honestly, I don't know. Thats the problem.
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Someone mentioned on facebook he doesn't recognise the chao recruit in the mirror. Its funny. I do. The mirror only reflects the outer appearance and seriously, its just a little tanner, a little less hair. Whats so hard to recognise about that man. Its more of, I don't know who he is anymore.
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I've got soul but I'm not a soldier.
Or was it the other way round. I can't remember.
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After a point in time, you stop pretending its alright. Its not.
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Platoon one platoon one all the way!
We like it here we like it here we've found ourselves a home!
A home!
A home sweet home!
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Time to go. Heres to another week of brain damage and heartbreak.
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If theres one semi positive to say, it is this. I don't know if im soldier or civilian or some degenerate bastard, but I know im a spiritual soldier. I don't have any other identity to hold on to so this is it. I stand in the midst of a rushing river where one man's values are in opposition to the rest of the flow. I stand on the Rock and cling on tight. I know I'd rather die from exhaustion than go with the flow. I kick hard at the waters but I can't change the course of the river. Hopefully, in time to come I'll at least carve up a new stream. Until then, I'll survive. I know I will. Its just a matter of what I will have become.
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You know, this all sounds so pathetic. I wouldn't post it except right now I couldn't care less. Don't get me wrong, im not whining about life. I know each trial strengthens us. I just need a medium to express it all while in the midst of it. If not, I'll go mad.
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So, see you all in a week. No scheduled posts this time. I'll live.
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