In between

And so confinement ends. For the uninformed, conquered by none, fifth coy.


Pickings of scribbles:


Its a very sad thing to find yourself too tired to think. To want to write but you can't because the lights are out, to what to see those photos but all is pitch black. To sms and to talk is not enough, I want to see and touch everyone back at home. I really do miss everyone and feel so helpless that I cant even afford the time and energy to think of those I love back home. Its poignant, especially when I know none of them can really understand the struggles faced. They think they do, they imagine the tekan, the scolding, the harshness, but except for those who experienced it themselves, they cannot emphatise. I pick up my phone at night sometimes, I want to call somebody, message them, but I know they will not understand this heart. They can ask but I will not be able to explain, they will encourage but I will not be encouraged. So I am alone, except for section mates of course, but I don't think I'll speak to them about things that weigh upon my heart, and they aren't Christians too. I want to go home. This is a foreign land. I don't belong here. Fifth coy is crazy, but thats not whats killing me. Its being away and not being able to properly express it.


DI is ongoing now. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder if they are thinking of me as I am thinking of them.


Yes, the cold cold wind. There's an army song on that, when the cold wind blows. Something about how then I'll be home. The cold wind reminds me of a day at a BB camp. Can't remember which one, maybe its PLC. It was so cold and I wrapped a jacket around myself, surveying the early morning scene. This morning I was reminded of it, except I had no jacket to keep warm with. It was freezing and far away from home.


I don't feel like I quite belong anywhere anymore. On one hand, im a soldier now. This isn't a completely foreign lifestyle and it wasn't that hard for me to get into it. Yet on the other hand, I know I'm not one. That though I would protect the ones I love, in me I don't have the soldier's heart. The military lifestyle, though I could adapt, it forces me to be someone else. I am another man. And I feel distant from the real war I should be fighting. The spiritual war for souls. I feel estrangled from DI and though some calls help, ultimately I still feel like we have walked different routes and are separating. Ten more days. Ten more. By then, it should be alright, I hope.


Im a freaking ninja. I killed about five mosquitoes with my one handed death grip today. About ten more through other means.

Out of batt right before end of time out. Guess this is it. I'll be strong. I'll try.


During the firepower demonstration, the officer mentioned Singapore and how we represent them. It occurred to me at that I am in Singapore. This is the Singaporean army. That thought has never crossed my mind. Tekong has always been a foreign land that there is a dissociation when I put the two islands together. I can't reconcile it. This is not the homeland I come from. This is not my country. It has nothing which the nation to which I sing the national anthem to has.

I miss my country, I miss my home, I miss its people.


One week more. No idea what I should do on Friday.


When the cold wind blows,
When the cold wind blows,
When the cold wind blows,
When the cold wind blows,
I know, I know,
That I'll be home,
When the cold wind blows,
When the cold wind blows.


Leadership. Professionalism. Ethics. Care for soldiers. I don't see that. I see people entertaining themselves, playing rank, competing with each other to make themselves look more successful. I see disdain, judgementalism and arrogance. Our values differ. I believe in significance over success.


With the days counting down and the weekend having just passed, I'm missing everyone alot again. Its tough especially when I can't contact them. While my section is pretty nice and all, its not the same. Its lonely in here.

Didn't even realise its my birthday today until we wrote the date down fro the CPR + AED form. Its pretty surreal.

Now that the day is nearing, days feel increasingly draggy. I can't wait to be out bt its taking forever. I encourage others, tell them we're almost there, but I myself am not encouraged. This military life is stifling. I tell people after this week, its only five day weeks, but in my heart I know they will be five draggy days. I know I'll remain alone in a crowded room.


Book out tomorrow yes! Can't wait =).

Ha, thats my first smiley in the whole book.

Airplanes often fly pass the school. Often I look up and wonder who are the strangers in there, what are they like, and what are the struggles they face.


From time to time, I've been dreaming of things back at home. When I awake from these dreams, the first thing I sense is the oddness of the texture of the pillow and the mattress im lying on. I open my eyes and in the darkness I see a bunk and not my room. A despair immediately grips my heart. Today, I dreamt of the people back at home once more and when I awoke, I felt a silent resignation.

As book out timing draws closer, I start to feel more apprehensive about it. Im neither here nor there now. I don't know who I am anymore.

The sunset over the horizon at the ferry terminal is beautiful. I wish I had my camera with me.

Mainland. It feels strangely foreign, even more so than tekong. It frightens me that my home doesn't feel like my home anymore. All the time I spend thinking of home, now that I actually am here I feel lost. Whatever I wanted to eat I have lost my appetite for. How I wanted to converse with people, to catch up with them, but now I sense an emotional chasm between us and I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I just want to be left alone, but that too doesn't feel right. Im neither a civilian nor a soldier now. Im a man who doesn't know who he is. Im disorientated, I've lost myself in this crazy spinning world.