When you're in the army, its easy to be distracted by other things and lose your focus. Yes, you certainly remember to depend on God, its becomes quite a necessity actually, but you may end up forgetting your purpose. God is your strength, your shelter, your strong tower, yes its true. Don't ever forget though, you're a soldier for the kingdom, not a mere refugee. Its not enough to survive with God, you're going to have to thrive, you're going to have to reign.
So yes, field camp's over. I went through the six toughest days of BMT and came out strong. Like I promised, I return stronger, not broken.
I wonder what everyone else thinks actually. I suspect perhaps for many of them, they don't see any difference. I'm still the same old me.
Honestly, I found field camp easier than confinement. In part because it really was easier with everything toning down significantly after the letter and the fact that we didn't have it as bad as ninja did the last batch. The other part is as like I have said, the physical is nothing, they can only do to you that much. The mental and emotional struggle of confinement period was much tougher. They tried to break us of course, but I guess we were much more prepared for it. Additionally, with each passing day we knew we were closer to the end, unlike confinement which the end was so far away.
Towards POP, here we go.
Fourth night was a very special night. It was the end of the field camp segment and with daybreak it would be the start of SIT test. The toughest part was over and we were going home soon enough. The SIT test site was next to the shore but some distance away. At night, the commanders brought us to the beach and we had maggie dinner there. There was supposed to be a sunset but unfortunately it was cloudy and we couldn't see it.
It was beautiful all the same. The waves were lapping on the shoreline, a hermit crab was running about near us (it tumbled down a slope once and took awhile to get back up on its feet) and stars filled the unpolluted night sky. Most amazing of all though, was that across the waters, we saw our land. Planes come and go and land at the area where we can distinctively see the familiar tall tower of changi airport. I gazed at it for a long while, wondering what the people back home are doing.
Speaking of which, the first two and a half days were the toughest. And through the tough periods, I was always wondering what was happening with the others. It was extremely frustrating to be leopard crawling through the mud and having people screaming at you while knowing that concurrently, people dear to you are out there somewhere in batam, probably having games. That really felt far more terrible than the actual thing that was ongoing. To sit in the basha at night, cold, wet, uncomfortable, muddy, dirty and thinking of how they're at a resort with nice comfortable air conditioned rooms. Chit chatting and laughing while we had to be silent in the name of noise discipline.
And as always, I'd wonder if they were thinking of me. I don't know, but more probably no. They're enjoying, having fun, they have company, why would they? Maybe a brief thought, 'I wonder hows he' that goes away as quickly as it had came. Its me whos alone and wishing I weren't here. I find it a little difficult to smile when at the end of the field camp, I receive smses like 'I missed you' because I can't help but feel that its imbalanced.
I know it cant be helped. I dont doubt that they care. Yet it still does sadden me and makes me wish it weren't so.
And when I finally see them on the weekend and they ask hows field camp, I dont quite know how to answer. What is there to say really? It doesnt really matter how it was, what matters is im home.
Tell me how you've been, that im more interested. Its been a week lets catch up. How was church camp? What exciting things happened this week? What did you do? Whats new?
Lets not talk about me and the army though it takes up a whole chunk of time, its a part of my life that I dont care for.
I didnt get my letter though my parents mailed it out. It was sad, and after returning hope and finding out what happened, im annoyed. Perhaps they should know how much those things matter to people like us and handle it with greater care. Do you know how it feels to anticipate it, to go through all that shit to await that reward, just to open that envelope and receive a letter from your sergeant instead? I dont care how encouraging or humourous he can be, its the origin not the content that matters. It was extremely demoralising.
What to do, sigh. At least they typed it out so I get to read a soft copy but its abit too late isn't it.
Today someone commented on the weather being hot and I instinctively replied sarcastically about how cold it really was. On hindsight, that was probably a pretty bugger comment to make, it sounds as if it was meant to incite pity for the shit I've been through or just saying with contempt that I've been through worse.
Its true though, It didn't even occur to me that it was hot because I've been through much hotter temperatures. I realise how much army has actually trained me in resilience. I still would rather not have to go through it, but thats the way with things. When you've been through the really tough stuff, everything else becomes comparatively easier. Once you've done it once, you know you can do the other easier things.
So im stronger. And to make full use of whatever is ongoing, gotta translate that into living well.
My platoon's humour reminds me alot of 4.11 heh.
Book in's on monday this week because of field camp. Im assuming a normal friday book out so that makes it one day less this week whoohoo. Anyway, I'll post five more songs this week. This time, they shall be the ancient chinese songs I used to love yay. Its was a little hard to pick because I don't listen to these songs anymore, but in the end I picked five special songs that were not just pleasing to the ear but very close to my heart. First one starts tomorrow night so enjoy.
Its scary how its already past midnight. Book in day. So quick. I just returned man im not supposed to be going in again so soon. As much as im glad field camp is over, this whole ns life is still extremely stifling. For example, Joy's returning on tuesday I think and I'd be there except I can't. For me, more than regimentation and all the other nonsense, its all these little things that are taken away that really makes you detest the life of a soldier.
Theres nothing you can do about it though, so make the best of whatever is given to you. My combustible lemons are going pretty strong. I'll thrive.