I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
- Psalm 121:1-2
Following the past week's blog posts, some people got concened about how I'm doing. I'd be lying if I said I was perfectly fine, but don't worry. Not being fine doesn't mean its all bleak. Like I said, I'll live.
Anyway, holiday season's over. Not that the confinement period was really much of a holiday, it just seems that way when you compare it to all that I've been through this week. I won't talk about it here, you can ask me in person if you really want to know. Just know that, shit got worse. Like, alot worse.
Not just that, it makes me really apprehensive about next week. If you don't know yet, next week's field camp, and if you have no idea what's field camp, its the toughest part of BMT. Its not just the camp itself thats tough, its also because thats when the commanders will just go batshit crazy on you. I've seen what they have done this week, and I don't want to begin to imagine what can happen.
The army experience so far has been like a bad job you can't quit. Except worse. You're stuck there for two years with all the restrictions, regimentation, physical and mental torture, long working hours and forced isolation. Thats why some people call it a jail.
Frankly, I don't expect most people to be able to understand. Its something that has to be experienced. Its all the collective things, the little ones and the big ones, coming together and just tearing through you. The psychological impact it has can hardly be understood by those who have not gone through it.
Each day seems so long. I remember how time seems to fly back at home. Heck, time flew by so quickly since book out I can't believe that I have to be back there in like 18 hours time. Time slows down so much it takes forever to get through. You do so much and discover its only lunch time, friends at home probably just woke up. At the end of the day, the morning activities seem so distant. In the midst of everything, you think of those back at home and realise that they won't be thinking of you as much. After all, they have things to do. Other things to focus on, that will capture their attention. You don't.
On book in day, I was feeling down in the dumps. I just went through weeks of all that nonsense and having just barely tasted the life I was meant to live once more, I just forcefully thrown back into the environment I did not belong in. Im not a solider no matter what they try to make me. Monday was just terrible as I personally came to appreciate what they meant when they said that confinement period was nothing compared to what was to come. I even considered ways on how to get myself out of it all. Perhaps, I'd fall and break my legs, then I'll down pes and be out of there. I wanted to fall sick so I didn't have to go through with it. I think its pretty scary when you think of hurting yourself just to get out of the current situation, as if to say its worth it because having that injury is better than staying put.
I felt terribly alone in there. No one I can really lean on, who can understand my struggles fully (my section mates can't because what we value in life differ). Whatever contact I could have with people back home (who can't understand it all anyway) was severely limited. While in the middle of all those terrible moments, there was no one to rely on, no one to stand with me, no one to fight along side with me. In my battles in the Kingdom, I have comrades who fight alongside me, so even though there are tough times, I would never be alone. Here, im going solo.
So yes. Its terrible. Im not happy here. I have no wish to be part of this. I wondered why I couldn't be in some other company. 2nd coy is evidently having a good time for one. I've heard many people say that BMT was the best experience of their army life but I guess I won't be one of them. I'd like to thrive, not be barely surviving, hanging on for dear life.
And monday comes to a close. It was late at night, I was exhausted. Yet I lay awake on my bed. Not because I couldn't sleep, but because I didn't want to. I wanted to think things through, to make sense of everything. I remained still, and sought for an answer.