Today's playlist: the rest of Brooke Fraser heh.
The first song I posted by Joy Williams yesterday is a really interesting song.
I am very much frightened and disillusioned with ns again because I realise that even if I were in the slackest coy, I wouldn't feel a lot better. Its the simple things like not being able to lie on my own bed, daydream, to surf the net, to use my phone, to write, to cycle, to cook, to read, to meet up with friends, these are the things that affect me the most. I realise the biggest issue I have with 5th is not the punishments but the lack of admin time. The feeling of forever being rushed, having no time to even take a shower, much less my much needed time of silent introspection (which I sacrifice to reduce my sleep deprivation). The lack of choices, facing the same cookhouse food every day, the strictly enforced sleep and waking hours. And it hits me hard that its going to be the same after POP. While I could tolerate the notion of going through all these for another 3 weeks or so, 1 year 9 months is far too long. The past month was forever. I can't imagine going through so much more of this.
The decision to opt for command school is coming soon and I find it very saddening that the main question im asking myself is which would grant me greater freedom. Unfortunately, the answer isn't obvious as both scs and men have their benefits in this area. I might have to make a decision this week. Perhaps the most scary of all is that I suspect I may know where I am to be. And I don't like it. I don't want to be the one who has to do it.
Its quite screwed up. I can't remember who wrote it and where, but someone commented that its pretty messed up when the best reward ns can give is less of itself (early admin time, early book out) and its greatest punishment is more of itself (confinement, SOL).
Somehow each time I return, I feel more and more distant from everyone. I don't know if we're actually really drifting apart because our lives are going down different paths or if im subconsciously trying to make book in more bearable by forcing me to hold myself back.
Its ironic, I just don't feel like talking to anyone when I see them even though that's what I yearn for the most during the week.
Sometimes, I even feel like I shouldn't intrude because as of right now, I don't matter. I'm sure no one actually thinks that, but I do.
I feel stupid and shameless to say this but hey people, contact me over the week kay.I may not always be able to reply, but I always read everything sent to me even if I have to forgo sleep. It means that much to me. I want to converse with you guys but I often find that I don't know what to say and I feel like im being a nuisance and bothering people who actually have a life. So if you would, do contact me of your own accord because its terribly lonely in there. Only if you want to though, I'd hate to be contacted because you feel obliged to do so.
And when we talk, let's talk about something meaningful alright. I admit I don't have much to say myself, I don't know where to start. Tell me what you've been thinking of recently, share with me what are your feelings about recent experiences. It seems like forever ago that I really had a heart to heart chat with anyone about something that matters and does not involve the army.
Lets start the ball rolling. In relation to denny's marriage yesterday, if you had a choice, what would be the ideal age you would want to be married?
Let me clarify why I say its terribly lonely in there. My platoon is humorous, kind of like 4.11 and thats great. But while I always laughed at all the antics and the jokes, I never was a participant. Its the same here, they're hilarious, but I wouldn't join in. As for my section, they're nice people. In a company like the 5th, I couldn't ask for better comrades who are on the ball, supportive of one another, covering for one another and pushing one another on.
There is a problem though. We have our private jokes and everything but our conversations are meaningless. None of them really know me. Which is where I beg to differ about today's speaker talking about quantity time being more important than quality time. We spent so much time together but I know that there will always be that barrier between us. The only thing we ever talk about is the army because other possible conversation topics are sex, girls, porn, masturbation, clubbing, and strange ideas of what a relationship is all about. And gossip of course. The funny thing is, I hardly think thats all they ever talk about when they're out there. Its as if everyone is obliged to behave like a sex obsessed monstrosity within the army barracks.
There isn't anyone I can really share anything with. In the army, there is no time for you to talk about your thoughts and feelings, they're just dismissed and relegated as unimportant. No one wants to hear about it. People only want to either complain or talk about happy things that everyone will laugh about.
There are other things weighing on my mind too, but I won't talk about them here. Gotta take each day at a time, press on and thrive. Looking forward to POP to signal the end of my time here with the 5th (though that merely means moving from one place to another place which is quite possibly the same, maybe better maybe worse) and to block leave where I hope to do a whole bunch of things.
Im finally bringing in the photograph birthday present into camp. It has been sitting on my table at home for awhile now and I have been honestly afraid to bring it in for fear that it would cause greater distress than offer help. I don't actually know why I want to bring it in now. I just feel like I really should do it.
Tough week ahead. The last of the tough weeks I believe, but like I said, the physical is nothing, it can only do to you that much. It was never about that.
Be joyful, be thankful, believe.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.