Shattered mirror

(You might find this post incoherent. The way it jumps around. I know it is and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it but the inability to do so frustrates me further. Its like entering a room that is in a disaterous mess, knowing you need to clean it up but not knowing how to begin.)

"The test of observance of Christ's teachings is our consciousness of our failure to attain an ideal perfection. The degree to which we draw near this perfection cannot be seen; all we see is the extent of our deviation"
- Leo Tolstoy

There is just so much to understand. So much to learn and apply. So much to do.
Have we ever paused to consider what is the maximum potential of a Christian? Compare that to where we are now, what are we?

Someone said that the church today is a mile wide but an inch deep. I'd like to think that for myself, I'm not that bad. I do know more than the average person who would consider himself a Christian. But even if assuming that were true (and perhaps we need to be hesitant about saying that), it still doesn't matter. Maybe I'm not one inch deep. Maybe im two or three, or if im generous, ten.

So what? In a mine that goes down for miles and miles, the difference of inches is not even noticable. If we strike gold only at the bottom, then truly all we see is the extent of our deviation.

And I dont speak of just knowledge of the Word. Im speaking of living out the Christian life too.

I am blind and deaf, I live out the Life but a little. When I walk across the bridge from WCRC to clementi sports complex, the sunlight shines down on me illuminating everything around. I see everything clearly. The trees swaying in the wind. The birds flying across the blue skies. Yet simultaneously as I tread upon the tiled floor, I am treading upon another world, a spiritual landscape. Where the soul thrives and the body is nothing. Where it is reality because this world is fading. I see nothing of that. Nothing.

We notice this world so much. Perhaps too much. And at that moment it seemed that all the idle chatter around me was worthless. Inconsequential. We're discussing things that are here today and gone tomorrow.

Everything suddenly seems meaningless.

Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless!

The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

The whole duty of man.

Something needs to be done. Yet, I don't really know how to begin. I just feel like, there is so much wisdom that needs to be gained, so much of that wisdom that needs to be translated into life, and I have such an impossibly long way to go. I feel rather helpless in the face of that.

The unfathomable mysteries of God are so vast. Take all the knowledge in the world combined, and its infinitely far more than that. Imagine a billion times all the knowledge in the world, and its still infinitely more.

Be slow to judge. How? I don't know how I can stop myself from sticking labels when it has become such an integral part of me. If I were to take that away, then it would seem like I would lose my ability to even interact with people. And thats just one, then theres spiritual pride and humility, and all of the impossible infinites of things that are not perfect.

Like an ancient jungle with thousand year trees, their roots intertwined. Try to remove on tree wholly, and you'll have to uproot the entire jungle.

Renew your mind.

Its intimidating. I don't know how. I don't want to say 'I trust God' because more often than not that ends up as nothing more than a lazy excuse. I know santification is from God, but you need to feed yourself right still. Maybe I havn't been doing that. Reading things and forgetting them, not paying close attention to things I feel I already know but probably only in a superfical sense. Familiar verses are not reimmersed and their depth explored. Application to life is absent.

I feel stunted for a long time now. A long, long time. So long it scares me. Gone are the days of actively discovering new mysteries, searching from cover to cover. Christianity has become too familiar. I've gone from raging passion, a fighter, always striving to learn more, to a solider on reserve, occasionally having the eureka moments but otherwise not undergoing much of any new training.
Maybe I need to memorize scripture daily. Spend the day medidating on it. Even if its something I've seen a million times before or something mundane. Maybe its time to put that verse of the day to good use.

But I'm afraid to make promises.I don't know how it will go. After countless times of saying things like this, I am very tired. I may be zealous now, broken now, but I can't promise that tomorrow. I just feel that all these things I write will be in naught and it wouldn't matter and nothing would change and, it's terrible. I'm terrible.

I know I can't reach perfection, but the sheer amount of unholiness disgusts me.

I honestly have no clue how to go forth from here. I'll say I'll try, but I won't make promises.

Lawlessness abounds, so we must learn to love the truth. How?

It seems like it might be easier if I pretended everything is alright.

Cause my comfort would prefer for me to numb, and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong.

"Everyone must carry two pieces of paper with him and look at them every day. On one it is written: 'You are as dust and ashes.' And on the other: 'For you the universe was created.'"
- Rabbinic saying