"I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent."
- Revelations 2:2-5

A little something that hit me today. I may be trying too hard to puruse His ways in my own human strength, without the joy of it. When I fail, I stand up and try harder, but I keep trying and don't get far. I know His ways are good and seek them, but the irony is that perhaps His ways has come to take precedence over Him in my life.

Instead of the joys of following Him, I find frustrations in my failing to do so. In the pursuit of holiness, I fail to keep my foundations of love, grace, joy, peace, faith, hope. A relationship with the Lord. Like building a tall tower, with the foundations in disrepair, the tower is in a precarious position and cannot build further without collapsing.

And maybe thats whats wrong. There are many things in my life I am displeased with. The making a difference thing is but just one segment. I wonder why I can't accomplish these things. I wonder if I'm too lazy, if there is something inherently wrong with me, and I try to change myself but keep failing. I wonder why there are so many problems, how there are so infinitely many things that is wrong and how helpess I feel in the face of it. I wonder how am I going to solve it.

Maybe its about returning to the basics. Step by step. Maybe the answer to my question of not knowing where to begin to help myself is to start over. To tackle the problem at its root. Return to that first love. Relearn what it means to trust God, his santification process, isntead of complicated plans and theology. Simply reading the word instead of books, articles and even devotionals.

I don't know why I didn't see this before. I lost touch with my roots. Living a holy life, a life that makes a difference became my primary focus as opposed to loving Him. Andy spoke yesterday about pursuing sexual purity as opposed to avoiding sexual immorality. I realise this is applicable to everything else too. I've been dwelling too much upon how I have not made a difference, all the pride, all the sloth, and all these negative things. I've been trying to avoid them rather than pursue what is good. I talk far more about pride than I ever do about humility. Even though I never tell myself I am not good enough or that God doesn't love me, the subtle implication that the current state is not good is there. Its the attitude of 'yes God still accepts me, but I have to work harder, then it will be better'. So much so that I wondered if I was worthy to call myself a Christian.

Of course I am. I am not a Christian because of what I have done, I am a Christian because of what He has done.

Faith without deeds is useless. But you know what is even more useless? Deeds without faith. Let the deeds spring forth automatically from the faith, from the love. I was blind to the root of the problem, and now I humbly repent.

Journey with me. Its not going to be easy, its scary how long I've been stuck on this that to change suddenly will be a challenge. But at last I know what needs to be done.