With tears

Its a bitter feeling. Back here on a saturday, didn't even get to spend time with my cell before I had to rush off. It was still alright the other time because that was the inevitable burnt weekend which I would get an off in lieu for, book in wasn't so early and there was a promised sunday nights out. This one's different. It could have been avoided. We shouldn't be here. We should never have come to this point.

Its a sinking feeling. Week after week things have been happening. There hasn't been one week since about a month ago where some new terrible thing didn't surface that pains me, that makes life here so much more intolerable. I mean, in the first few weeks I recognised that things here wouldn't be as good as back then, but at least it was better than BMT. And that much remains true, as messed up as this place can be, it isn't half as bad as back there in tekong. But far too many incidents have occured and turned this place into a complete wreck. I can no longer find myself to be at rest because I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't know what new things this week will bring and it makes me afraid. Not to mention people don't forget.

Its a stressful feeling. All that suspense, and verdict's not out. And now I'm waiting for two verdicts and two sentences. Don't know whats going to happen, and the suspense is killing me. Except that expression usually implies excitement, but I'm talking about the feeling of a slow heart rending, literally killing. I'm already in here early, I'm already going to be out late on sat noon because of sports day. Now I don't even know if I'll be getting SOLs or extras. And I'm waiting. And I don't know if some new thing this week is going to add more fire to that. It hasn't been a peaceful weekend, just time distracting myself away from things but never quite able to run away from the reality that the debt has to be paid soon.

Its a fleeting feeling. A long weekend shorterned. The small little enjoyments I partook, catching up with friends, dining, spending time well, lying on my comfortable bed after nights of dirt and concrete, hot showers, air conditioning, all these things now seem like a distant past stolen from me. Welcome back from your little vacation to your home. Nope no sunday for you this time.

I'll be honest, I feel so small right now. Trying to hold on to the big big God but many giants pin me down. Like the lighthouse skit, helpless against the forces coming against me.

I know God will make a way, I know He is soverign, I just wish I could see the master plan right now and be comforted.

I'm blacklisted now in this company, and it will remains one of the great mysteries of life how things ended up this way. I never wanted it to be this way. And I struggle to find a way to be a light in here when I'm barely surviving. Right now, I hope when people see me, they don't link me to Christ, because that will be a bad reflection of Christ they see.

Its not true of course. But I feel so judged and wrongly perceived. I wonder what they think when they think of me. I don't need anyone's approval of course, but I'd hate to damage people's perception of Christ.

So heres to another week of challenges. I'll take it one day at a time. I don't know what the future holds, and its downright intimidating.

But I know who holds the future.

Still uncertain though. I'm trusting God to take me through but I'll be lying if I said I'm not afraid. The primary emotion I feel is a mix of resignation, restlessness, uncertainty and teardrops.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"
- Hebrews 13:5b-6

P.S. It would appear that in addition to the old problems my phone has, it now has also lost the ability to type 'e', 'r', 't', 'u', 'i' and 'o' without automatically sending out the msgs. Which kinda sucks because there are 4 vowels and 2 very common constanants in them. Definitely stage 4 cancer for phone.