This week, words I am glad I didn't say even though they were close to coming out:
1) Can you wake up your bloody idea
2) I don't have time and energy for your nonsense
3) Bullshit
4) I don't even know why I bother with you, maybe I really shouldn't
It is an accumulation of tiredness, frustration and a sense of loneness over time.
Tiredness because working 7 days a week from morning to night for a couple of weeks takes its toll. While there is physical exhaustion, mental and emotional exhaustion is the bigger factor. Theres always work to do, if not office then LB. Its a good thing that they haven't really clashed, and one can be fun while the other is meaningful.
This week however had been especially bad. Thankfully there wasn't much LB issues to do. Reached home past 10 for three of of five days, almost 10 for one of the days, and the only day I reached home by 8 I had to give tuition. Generally this work, sleep, rinse and repeat cycle is something I really hate and cannot sustain in my life. To compensate, sometimes I stay up a little to spend some time doing the things I enjoy but then physical tiredness takes its toll.
Frustration because of mess ups, emails, and last minute work, all while already feeling tired. Mess ups happen of course but it seems that my tolerance for them steadily declines and I am expecting more and more from everyone, becoming upset when these expectations are not met.
Stress builds up and I enter into my 'work mode' where I lay emotions aside and simply treat everyone including myself as robots, with information to take and process, orders to give and expected to execute. Feedback is that I sound unfriendly, demanding, and all in all unpleasant. It works for me I guess, I have always been able to seperate my work side and personal side, but it doesn't work for all people so I can't just do that.
The last minute work really ruined my plans. To rest, to spend time with people, to participate in LB, to laugh and have fun. It wasnt a very interesting part of work. Whatever fun it could have been was sapped away by the tight deadline, becoming no more than an irritance.
A sense of loneness. Not loneliness, which would be a sadness that comes from lack of companionship. Loneness in that lack of meaningful social interaction with the people I care about, and in the distance that I have created between myself and others.
For the third friday in a row, I asked to not have dinner prepared, and went home to cook noodles eventually. It keeps happening. Sometimes after everything I just want to sit down and enjoy a meal together because it goes a long way in making everything better. That feeling of expectancy which is quickly crushed when everyone has to leave just as you arrive (or even before you arrive), it can be such a mood damper.
While people bond though serving and building shared memories, I sit distant, monitoring everything as if they were statistics, planning, working on administration. How much time have I actually spent on the ground? How well do I know these families we served?
Detailed LB reflections will come another time, now is not the time for that.
The distance. I have set myself up as the boss it seems. Sure in title I always kinda was, but things should work differently in the Church and especially in this project we are all a part of in which I merely serve as a facilitator. The kind of relationship between boss and employee in a corporate world is what it seems to be now. It was never my intention but that seems to be how things have developed. Its funny because I have a co-director who in fact was originally meant to be my boss, but things get directed to me, like I am the sole veto factor. I guess, between the actual authority, the tone I take, the tight rein over finances and strong opinions held, this develops naturally.
I have much to say about finances and those strong opinions. But again, this is not the time to speak of it.
So here I am. I need a break soon. Was considering taking an entire week off but that may not be feasible, we will see how it goes.
May God give me the grace and strength to go through each day, and may everything I say and do be not born out of frustration but be words and actions which are pleasing to Him.
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