It is said that a Jewish rabbi often carried with him two slips of paper, one in each pocket. One says 'the universe was created for me', and the other 'I'm nothing but dust and ashes'. Both true statements, but with opposing implications. It is said that the rabbi would take out each slip of paper as and when needed, to remind himself of whichever when it is needed.
My job search so far has been less than pleasant. There were a couple of companies I was really interested in but didn't manage to secure a role with them. That sucks but alright it's a competitive world. But coming into July soon, this constant rejection takes its toll.
I try not to talk too much about it nowadays, because I don't want it to seem like the center focus of my life. And it isn't, I don't spend all that much time on it. But I think increasingly I've been feeling this disappointment eat at me. So much so that even as I begin to prepare for two coming interviews this week, I feel a sense of apprehension.
I know there have been people praying for me and I am thankful for that. I know to trust in God, He has always been faithful. I know not that I'm not supposed to compare with others. But you know, it still sucks.
I have been wondering if this is a season that God is trying to teach me somethings. Perhaps for too long I've placed too much pride on my own abilities, confident that I can excel, and God is humbling me. Perhaps God is trying to remind me of what's important in life, lest I jump into some prestigious but ultimately time and energy consuming role which leaves me little to spare. Perhaps these experiences will enable me to have a greater empathy for those who go through similar things.
So, I do feel shaken in my confidence and my abilities, but perhaps that's actually a good thing. I do feel less focused on trying to have a good career now (since you know, I kinda have to grab what's available if there even are), and maybe that's a good thing.
It's been a whole lot of disappointment though. I mean, even as I write this I feel rather down. But in the midst of it I shall trust that God knows what's best for me better than I do. It is with some wrestling surely, but at the end of the day even if with sighs of resignation, acknowledging that God knows best.
If it be pride and chasing after the things of the world, may I remember that I am but dust and ashes.
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