More than one month later, I've gone from somewhat shaken to a great sense of helplessness and wondering if I've messed up my life with poor choices in what I choose to study.
I really never thought I would face something like this honestly.
A friend of mine went through something similar but instead of not reaching a conclusion, his was more of a ticking time bomb where if time's up, he would have no choice and had to go somewhere he didn't want to.
Mine's a little different. I don't have a time limit, so it's more of an endless searching until I don't know when.
So a little different. His case is a little more like the exiles at Babylon, stuck somewhere they don't want to be, and God says 'I have plans to prosper and not to harm you'.
I guess I'm a little more like Abraham, heading into the unknown, not sure where to go. Later promised something wonderful but never knowing how it was going to be fulfilled against the impossible odds.
Regardless, the same themes apply, faith and hope.
I don't know man. It feels pretty dumb why it's like this. But all the more we have to cling on.
So even as I lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling, with a kind of suffocating heaviness in my heart, I remember to have faith. Even if I understand nothing and know nothing about what is to come, and it all seems stupid and frustrating and despairing, I hope.
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