Background
Leading up to the camp, there were some things about the youth ministry I was concerned about. Frustrations building up, unsure how we should go from here. Worried about it's future. It's a ministry I have been part of for ten years, from a new member to now being a soon to be retiring leader.
One of the things I was afraid of was handover. Is the next generation ready? Are they willing? Do they even have a heart for it? Yes it is necessary to handover for things are unsustainable the way they are, but I was uncomfortable with handing over to a team that may not be ready, willing or even believe in the work. What if it collapses? And sure I believe there are a few whom I felt I could trust, but do we make them shoulder all the responsibility? I do not want to crush others under the weight of ministry and end up having them feel burnt out like some of us feel now.
I carry these burdens with me as I prepared for camp. Certain things that happened during the camp planning process and the way the camp planning was approached by certain members made me feel more uncertain of handover. Can I trust entrust my youth ministry to this team in the future? I kept stepping in, cutting in to tell people to do things or to do it myself, because I felt it wasn't good enough. Which isn't exactly the role I was supposed to play in this camp but it became it.
Eventually we reached camp. We came together, worked hard to make it work. Overall I was satisfied, thought it was pretty good job, much better than whatever we had last year by a mile anyway. There were a couple of things worth rejoicing. I had the privilege of journeying with one of the campers as the camper opened up on some details about his life with me, and I could support him in tangible ways. There was also another who responded to the altar call and I was particularly thankful for that because I know the difficult times he has been having, and I also know he's not one to respond to altar calls so to be someone who almost immediately responded was indicative of where his heart was. Finally I had doubt on how the younger boys would respond to the prayer walk and finale night, but they surpassed my expectations and I believe they were meaningfully engaged.
At the same time, my doubts of the future of the ministry remained. Another area of concern I had was whether the people in this youth ministry genuinely desire for God and want to live for Him, or are they too caught up with the things of this world. I remember on one of the nights, when I talked about how I wanted to approach the finale by having a time where people could share their camp experience, someone quipped that it was useless because no one will want to do it. I refuted that statement, but I 100% understood where it came from. For some reason, the current generation just doesn't like to sing boldly or lead others in prayer. I believe that both of us saw it as a lack of how real Christ is in these individuals, because why would you be afraid otherwise? When I made my refute, it was more on how it helps to give abit more time and how I thought sharing would be less intimidating than singing or praying. I didn't actually disagree on the underlying sentiment in his comment.
Finale Night
So the finale came. I guess I fully expected people to get emotional because that always happens, 4 days 3 nights with no other worries, just seeking God together, of course the response would be stronger. But what's the point if everyone just got emotional and high and all hyped up, and then once the new year starts it's back to defeatedness, tiredness and living as though God is not real in our lives. But okay, better than nothing. Communicated between my generation of leaders, let's take this time to minister to people, maybe for some it will just be hype but we've seen every year there are at least a couple whose lives are really transformed. So it's okay, I'm okay with one or two, heaven will rejoice all the same.
Sharing began, slow and not much at first as expected, but eventually picked up a little. Ended with one particularly emotional sharing (which actually wasn't all that relevant to camp lel). That one really gave me a pause. Not because I resonated with the sharing, but because it came from one my my comm members. As I listened to it, my main thought was: what have I done to support this comm member throughout this period? Yes when the incident first happened, I reached out to check in if he was alright, but that was about it. Other than that, our communications have mainly been 'hey you need to get this done'.
So we finally got round to the time of endless musical worship and praise. From past camp experiences, we would all participate, pray for one another and so on. I would participate, singing songs of praise and worship to God loudly and boldly. Praying for others as well since as leaders it was our responsibility to look at what is happening around us and minister to the campers.
This time though from the moment the first song started. It was all off for me. Other people sang and praised God, but in my head there was something nagging at me that I couldn't figure it out exactly. And I just couldn't sing, because at that moment all the lyrics on the screen looked completely irrelevant to me. I knew those words on the screen may be ministering to others now, but they were not want God wanted to tell me. So i just stood there, and I can't really remember but I don't think I sang a single word that entire night.
The Individuals of My Generation
I stood there, and I was asking God, okay so obviously something is up. What is it that you want to tell me? There was no powerful wave sweeping over me, no strong emotions, nothing. I just stood there and listened to others, watched others. People had their eyes closed and arms raised and mine were wide open surveying the room. I knew part of why I was in this mode was because of the sharing by the camp comm member earlier. So I asked, is it about how I have been treating this comm member? Not that I think I have been mistreating him, but I suppose I could definitely have journeyed better with him. Is that what you would like me to do better for others next time?
Around this time, something grabbed my attention. I saw my current generation of leaders. Some were praying for others before this, but at this point in time, they all stood alone. There was a certain way in which each of them stood out in the midst of everyone at this moment. It was almost as if each was in silo, in the midst of this time of communal worship each was alone. And the question that came to me then was, don't look to your next generation, how have you been journeying with this generation?
Truth is, not much. There's one who went through a pretty rough time this year and even I didn't do much and assumed things were okay until I was effectively told that I wasn't doing my job as a friend. Even then, I think there are things I can do to journey better with this individual. Then on to the rest, what do I even know about their lives? Hardly anything really. When was the last time we really came together to share our lives and pray for one another? It was just meetings after meetings, talking about what we need to get done because we were all so busy. We talked at length about youth ministry and what we're trying to do for those under our care, but we never talked to each other and journeyed together with each other despite being the leadership team. Well maybe they did privately between themselves, but I didn't.
We encourage this so much among our cells, and among our next generation of leaders, but we don't practice it ourselves. We make the commitment that despite our lack of time we will meet to plan, but we don't make the commitment that despite our lack of time we will meet to share and pray for one another. We literally only ever pray the opening and closing prayers for meetings (unless we're involving the next generation leaders).
I recalled what we shared. One of the leaders was quite affected during the sharing as well because of the relevance of what was shared by the camp comm member in his life. Another had to leave camp earlier because a student passed away and had to attend a funeral (which I didn't even know why she had to leave camp). Another I know has been wrestling with burn out and other things so it wasn't an easy period. How well have I journeyed with these individuals? Have I been so focused on working together, about the ministry, that I neglected those who were serving alongside me?
And it is with that thought in my head, looking at them still standing in silos for a period of time, that I requested that we be prayed for. I don't know when was the last time each of the leaders had someone pray for them. I can only hope it isn't as an uncommon an occurrence as I think it could potentially be.
I told myself, I need to journey better with this generation before we even talk about anything else.
The Leadership of The Next Generation
I stood there again, still tangled. Not done yet. Okay. Was this not it? Did I understand wrongly what God wanted to say to me? Or is there something else. I still felt a total disconnect from any songs that were being sung. Then I observed. In the midst of my standing there the whole time, I didn't pray for anyone I just stood there, it was the next generation who started to go around praying for others. At one point in time, they prayed for each other as well, something the people in my generation clearly don't do. And then the question came to me, why do you assume they may not be ready or willing, just because they are different?
What do I base my thoughts on this on? I know that they don't sing as loudly as I do. They don't pray fervently and declare God's word. They don't seem as invested in planning as I am, sometimes with last minute work or things not fully planned out. They don't have as strong a grasp on theology as I do. They drop the ball sometimes, which makes it seem like they don't care enough. They don't seem to have enough faith to believe God will make a way sometimes.
At this point I felt a little unsure. Aren't these legitimate concerns? I wrestled with it a little, couldn't really figure it out. So I did what I do when these things swim in my head and I can't figure it out. I left the main room though the connection to the prayer room, took a piece of paper, sat down and tried to figure out what was going on. A couple of people were already here, writing letters to themselves or other people, but there I was with pen and paper trying to figure out what is it that God wants to tell me.
And the first words I wrote were 'why are you a leader?'
The answers?
1) I do genuinely have a heart for the things of God and want to see His Kingdom come
2) I have a good grasp on theology
3) I can talk decently well (not excellently, but passable)
4) I am good with planning and admin
Great. These are important things. Especially the first, can't be a leader if you don't believe in the work.
But then I asked myself, why do you look down on those who can't do some of these things as well as you do? What about the things you don't do as well?
During the evangelism equipping activity, I wasn't a very good facilitator and even though I was supposed to be the main one facilitating, my co-facilitator had to step in and eventually took over. There were others in the group who could easily have been the ones who could facilitate that group better too.
I don't generally know what's going on in the lives of others that well. I do things like buying things for people hence earning the title of best welfare, but what sacrifice is that when in the first place I'm not one who places much value on money? How different is that from the asian parents who buy things for their kids but don't spend time with them? Is it not ironic that the welfare role this year specifically also involves spiritual welfare, but that has not been a focus in my interactions?
I don't really understand or take the time to understand others sometimes, I just try to get work cleared.
I don't pray for others as individuals much, whether in private or with them.
And that criticism that sometimes they don't have enough faith to believe that God will make a way, is that not how I treat this whole thing with youth ministry? Sure I'm generally chill with personal things in my own life, but am I not worried, concerned about this ministry and whether it will fail, and not trusting that God will make a way in what is not my ministry but His?
Perhaps the biggest one. We think sometimes that the planning team sits above the zone/cell leaders. But truth is, I am not a zone leader precisely because it's not my forte. I would struggle much more being one than managing all these planning. And in this key area, I suspect many of the next generation leaders would fare better than I do.
I don't think I'm a bad leader, but I have many imperfections and areas that others do better than me in. In the light of that, I have no right to consider whether I am 'better' than someone else, that is all foolish pride.
Even not as a leader, simply as a Christian, I have much left to be desired. Just because God has given me some talents, it doesn't make me better. It just means I damn well better make good use of them because that's what God expects of me.
When I think about my relationship as a leader to the NG, the image that comes to me is that of a parent trying to instruct the children, imparting things. I realise that image is completely false. We are merely fellow fallen human beings with our own flaws and weaknesses looking to God, and letting Him use us as His hands and his feet. Sure there are things that I'm better at that I can guide, but I realise that there are also plenty of things I have to learn from them.
I know that I have always struggled with pride. It seems to have gotten better, I practice things like not talking about the things I do or talking about things I mainly did as though it was a team effort, mainly so I don't have the opportunity to boast. Sure that can continue to work, but I think pride can be subtle in other ways like this too, the way I think about myself in relation to others, even if my actions have the appearance of humility.
I finished penning all this, and as I related it back to what it means for the next generation of leaders in DI. What came to mind was a conversation I once had with a musical worship leader from my generation. Then, I shared my concerns about how this next generation doesn't sing or pray. She told me then that they have their own way of worshiping God that is different, and we should not place the same expectations on them. I didn't really agree with her then, but I now realise she was right.
I realised what it was that I needed to know. There, I penned the finals words.
Moving forward, this youth ministry will not take the shape and form I am used to. And that's okay. This youth ministry will be alright because it's not in my hands or the next generation leaders' hands, but it's in God's hands.
The Individuals of The Next Generation
For me I was still meditating on these reflections and eventually I went back into the prayer room and sat down. I had two objectives. One was to turn my convictions into concrete action plans so it doesn't just get forgotten when the hype fades away. The other was to write the cards I took earlier that morning which I intended to write for my comm and some others.
As I stared at the cards with their names on it, I realised that I had to throw away everything I wanted to tell them. I planned to write something encouraging, thanking them for their effort in serving. The intention was to help them feel appreciated for what they have done and to encourage them to keep going strong. I realise though, that that would be exactly like a parent instructing a child. No, I don't want to tell them something along the lines of 'good job keep it up'. I don't have the right to do that.
What I really should be saying are heartfelt words having worked together on this project for the past few months together. Those who inspired me, those who struggled but gave their best for God anyway. And how we are indeed nothing much, but God can do great things through us.
At this point as I reflected, I realise I have made a critical mistake in the way I approach youth ministry. I always saw the whole thing as an entity, I saw zones as an entity, I saw the young boys as an entity, I saw the next generation leaders as an entity. When I plan, I plan with that approach in mind.
What I really need to do is to see the individuals.
One particular comm member really gave his best. With the limited time he had, even as he reached back home tired after a really long day, he worked hard on the project. But at one point in time I was just concerned about trying to make the final product as perfect as it could be, and I effectively told him, with zero empathy, over and over again, that it was not good enough.
I had failed to journey well with him as an individual. I was focused on us the committee trying to achieve the objective, that I failed to understand the challenges he faced nor acknowledged his efforts. There were definitely others, this is but one example.
I am also convinced, that when it comes to this ministry, if they have the heart that is enough. Whatever skills is still lacking can be learnt. On my part, I need to learn to journey better with them as individuals rather than as an entity.
My Commitments Moving Forward
1) Remember all that you are not, lay down your pride
2) Be gracious and understanding, recognise that different people have different strengths and circumstances
3) Journey with people better, love better, do it life on life and not just by giving gifts. Don't worry about it being an area of weakness but trust in God to enable you
4) Pray for others, listen to them, instead of just giving instructions
5) Recognise talents for what they are - gifts from God, do not despise those without the talents you have, instead simply serve well with them
6) Do not be focused on ministry or any group as entities, but see the individuals within
7) Key focus on supporting the next generation of leaders, but not directing them, instead let them do their thing and let God lead them
8) Don't look to the past on how things were and try to replicate it, but look to the future
9) Truly seek God, live for the audience of one
10) Trust God that this youth ministry is His and He will take care of it
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