I've upgraded my phone recently, and as part of the process I had to sync photos from my old phone to my new. There was an issue with that and a couple of photos didn't transfer, so I went through the process of finding out what the missing photos were. As a result, I spent a fair bit of time scrolling through old photos. Looking at old photos felt a little...weird. I felt this strangeness towards how these are key moments in my life, but yet most of what I remember of them is blurry. How much of these moments would I remember if not for these photos? How much of what I remember is accurate? Sure I remember the general thoughts and feelings and how it was like, but much of the details are just a haze.
Weathering with you, another film by Makoto Shinkai, is also coming out soon. Which got me to go back to watch bits and pieces of Kimi No Na Wa again. It got me thinking even more about memories. Two reasons. For one memories is an important part of the plot itself. That kind of fuzziness the characters felt although more extreme, I suppose it's not entirely different from what I feel about the past. That strange haze.
The other thing was, back when I watched Kimi No Na Wa and fell in love with it, I feel like I was living a different life altogether.
I have a tendency to procrastinate sleeping. It's not that I hate sleeping, being able to sleep in is great, but it always was a very strange feeling to me. One moment you're lying in the bed, and the next it's morning. It's like an entire portion just disappeared. And whatever happened the day before feels fuzzy, almost dreamlike.
Amplify that over many days, and over significant life changes, and some things that happened in the past just feel like they were the life of someone else altogether. Well it's true, I am not the same man today as I was in the past, but it just feels so strange. This sense of, I am not me. The past me was a different person, and I don't say that to mean that I have changed. I mean that it literally feels like the past me was someone else, and it's just...weird?
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I find it hard to explain, so maybe I can try with a chronological approach first.
I remember the younger days which a certain nostalgia. Experiences in primary school, secondary school, JC. Most of the strongest memories of these things were things, moments and events. And these don't feel weird. They're just, part of my life and how it used to be. I could accept these as a part of myself and who I am. In a way, they're like old photos and videos that play in my head, it's just what happened. When it comes to the things I felt, it still gets a pass at this stage somehow. I just chunk it off as immaturely of a younger person, and move on.
Things start to get weird when we start going into army territory. There were all sorts of strong emotions then, and now looking back it feels slightly weird. It was also a very different life, something carved out quite separately from the ordinary life that I'm used to. It sticks out, and so it feels a little weird. It's still fine though, many people went through army, we share stories, we laugh, it still feels somewhat real.
Phase 1 of uni is where things really get weird. It's a combination of a few things I suppose. It being recent, me being an adult, but yet how different this phase of life is from where I am now, and a sense of how few people can truly validate that this part of my life ever was. Without any close friends in biz school, the whole thing feels off. I know it happened, of course it did, but no one close to me in my life can validate it. And there was things that happened in that period as well that fundamentally changed my life. Strong emotions that feel so distant and strange when I look back at them now, what was that even all about? It doesn't feel real. I know it happened, but it doesn't feel real.
Then I went on exchange. And exchange just felt like a dream. It was a very different life. More so than army, it was a period of few months that is carved out from the ordinary flow of life. If life was a jigsaw puzzle you fit the pieces together, that was a period that just doesn't make sense in the puzzle. I left everything behind, lived a different life, and then returned back to my original life and continued where I left off. It is very strange indeed. And exchange was when I watched Kimi No Na Wa. I vaguely remember the emotions I felt back then, but it's all so surreal now. I know logically it happened, but it truly just sticks out in a weird way, and it feels like it was a different person living a different life.
Come back from exchange, life was different. The connecting dots were there, back to being around friends and family I know for so long, familiar environments, so yes the continuity was there. But significant fundamental changes happened in my life from this point on. Many of these things that started then continue on today, things that I feel in this period still resonate within me. Because of that, the period since I have returned from exchange still truly feels like it is my life. The things that have happened since then, the emotions I felt, they feel real, they feel like they are part of me.
What were those things in the past though? Much of the past is lost in time and have ceased to exist. It is gone forever. The past is just... an intangible that I cannot grasp. Especially so when I feel that the past me is not me. Living another person's life. In the first place, how much of it is even accurate?
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The chronological way of looking at it is just a simple way of trying to break things up in general patterns, but there are outliers. I mentioned that the young days are still okay, but that being said when I look at certain photos, it just feel weird. Who is this person? The things he felt then, the things he did, they're not what I would feel and do. This person isn't me. But yet it is. Just that the effect is amplified the most in the early uni up till end of exchange period.
For the 'modern me' phase, I don't feel that weirdness when I look at photos. I know it's me, it's real. But it does still have some of that dreamlike element. Those holiday trips, they're me alright but how was I feeling in those moments, what was I doing, what was I thinking? Just bits and pieces I remember, but most of it is a blur.
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Is there a point to this post? Nope. It's just, the weirdness that is life. What is real? There's an obvious logical answer to that, and then there's this. Would I consider my past real? Yes in the sense that it truly did happen.
But it has ceased to exist. The past me no longer exists, the past life no longer exists. It can never be retrieved. There are gaping holes in memories, and the actions and feelings of the 'me' do not feel like me. So it may real, but for all intents and purpose, it may as well not be.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
If something happened in the past and no one remembers it, is it real?
Yes. The answer is yes. But it doesn't matter because it is as good as a no.
If a ship gradually had all it's original components replaced over time, is it still the same ship?
If the person that I once was is no longer who I am today, are we still the same person?
Don't know. It's weird either way.
Do these questions matter? Probably not. Some will say I have more important things to focus on, and I fully agree. But tonight, I am gripped by the weirdness of life, of memories, and what is real and what is not.
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